Blonde moment darlings.... forgot to include the message!! On 27 Jun 2008, at 23:32, Sue Duckles wrote:
> THE TIMES > > Letter of the Year: > > An elderly lady actually wrote this letter to her bank. > The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it > published in The Times and this newspaper thanks him most > sincerely.. > > > Dear Sir, > > I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with > which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my > calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between > his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the > funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic > monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, > has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended > for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting > my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused > to your bank. > > My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident > has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that > whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, > when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, > overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has > become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a > flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will > therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive > at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially > to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. > > Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other > person to open such an envelope. > > Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require > your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, > but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows > about me, there is no alternative. Please note that a Solicitor must > countersign all copies of his or her medical history, and the > mandatory > details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and > liabilities) > must be accompanied by documented proof. > > In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which > he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be > shorter > than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button > presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone > bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of > flattery. > > > Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press > buttons as follows: > 1-- To make an appointment to see me. > 2-- To query a missing payment. > 3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. > 4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. > 5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to > nature. > 6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. > 7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access > my computer is required. A password will be communicated > to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.) > 8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8 > 9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be > put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. > While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music > will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again > following > your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the > setting > up of this new arrangement. > > May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New > Year.. > > Your Humble Client > > Addendum from The Editor: > IMPORTANT to REMEMBER that this letter was written by a > lady who is a 98 year old woman; > DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!!!? > > To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
