©¿©<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->©¿© and ©¿©<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->©¿© presents
<---------------------PHWeekly Joke Ezine!---------------------> <-------The Little Sister Of Purehumour Joke Ezine------> PHWeekly (aka Purehumour Weekly) is now residing at the home of Paul's Fun House (http://www.paulsfunhouse.com) PHWeekly features the BEST Adult humour on the net...in the unlikely event that you no long wish to be a subscriber... please see the bottom of this mailing to unsubscribe. *please note...all replies to this ezine are discarded without being read...for contact info...please see the bottom of this mailing also. I don't know if you have heard this....but The Pope (yeah the guy in the $400 hat) was visiting Canada recently...he appeared at World Youth Day in Toronto in front of hundreds of thousands of people! Well they announced yesterday that due to the large crowds (more than expected) they are $30 MILLION in the red... so they are asking Catholics and non-Catholics to open their wallets a little to fill the void! Well I have a better solution! Since there has been such a huge sex scandal in the Catholic church ... I think they should capitalize on that! With the number of priests doing the dirty deed with all them altar boys...maybe they need to open a fund-raising brothel ... all the money goes back to the church and the priest get what they want too! I am taking a bit of a break ... PHWeekly will NOT be published next week as I take off for a few days of R & R. I NEED material for a special Sept 11th Memorial Edition of Purehumour...if you have any personal stories, webpages, articles or anything to share...please send it to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Click</a> mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Di Ann, Keli, Pat, Barbara, Rubin, Laura, Barb, Marina, John. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ©¿©-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------©¿© Lets start with a quickie: Anni: Scientists claim that the average person speaks ten thousand words a day. Sam: Yes, dear, but remember you are far above average. ©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿© Peel Me One Of Those Bananas <a href=" http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/ph13.html ">Click</a> http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/ph13.html Priceless Canada Day Romp <a href=" http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/ph11.html ">Click</a> http://ugrin.paulsfunhouse.com/ph11.html ©¿©------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------©¿© Today's issue is brought to you by: FREE ADULT CARTOONS AND ANIMATION Daily Anime Erotica movies and pictures By Email *TOTALLY FREE MEMBERSHIP! *CREDIT CARDS *NO BULL http://www.geetrish.com/freeanime <A HREF=" http://www.geetrish.com/freeanime";> AOL users click here</A> ©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿© There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion. The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said "Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin!" The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you don't have crabs,... the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies!" ©¿©--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------©¿© LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ©¿©------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------©¿© Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ©¿©----------------------TODAY IN HISTORY-----------------------©¿© If today is your birthday...you share it with: 1952 Ashley Putnam NYC, soprano (NY City Opera 1978) 1959 Mark Price bass/vocals (All About Eve, Tin Huey-Contents Dislodged) 1959 Rosanna Arquette NYC, actress (Desperately Seeking Susan) 1961 Beatrice Alda daughter of Alan Alda, actress (Lisa-Four Seasons) 1961 John Farriss rocker (Inxs-Kiss the Dirt) 1962 Dan Donovan rocker (Bad) .....and on this day in history: 1954 Sir Gordon Richards retires as a jockey with record 4,870 wins 1960 Discoverer 13 launched into orbit; returned 1st object from space 1961 England applies for membership in the European Common Market 1965 Joe Engle in X-15 reaches 82 km 1966 1st lunar orbiter launched by US 1966 Daylight meteor seen from Utah to Canada. Only known case of a meteor entering the Earth's atmosphere & leaving it again 1973 1st BART train travels thru transbay tube to Montgomery St Station 1975 David Frost purchases exclusive rights to interview Nixon 1977 Phillies & Expos play a doubleheader that ends at 3:23 AM 1977 Postal employee David Berkowitz arrested in Yonkers, NY, accused of being "Son of Sam" the 44 caliber killer 1979 Wings release "Getting Closer" & "Baby's Request" 1980 Allen, the most powerful hurricane in Caribbean hits Brownsville, Tx 1980 Jack Nicklaus wins PGA Championship for 5th time 1981 Coca-Cola Bottling Co agrees to pump $34 million into black business 1981 Pete Rose tops Stan Musial's NL record 3,630 hits 1981 The Richard Nixon Museum in San Clemente closes 1984 Mary Decker trips on heel of Zola Budd during 3,000m Olympic run 1985 Michael Jackson buys ATV Music (every Beatle songs) for $47« million 1985 Uno Lindstron of Sweden, juggles a soccer ball 13.11 miles 1986 Billy Martin day, Yanks retire #1 1987 Flight Readiness Firing of Discovery's main engines is successful 1988 UN estimates Asia's population hit 3 billion 1990 US's Magellan spacecraft lands on Venus 1991 NFL sportscaster Paul Maquire suffers a heart attack at 53 ©2002 http://www.scopesys.com/today/ ©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿© I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!" The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually just put my car in park." ©¿©----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------©¿© Under repair! Check it out <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ©¿©-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------©¿© Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty." -Mark Twain ©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿© Whats That Smell <a href=" http://www.pottedpenpals.com/subforma13mug1.html ">Click</a> http://www.pottedpenpals.com/subforma13mug1.html Gonna Make That Hole In One <a href=" http://www.pottedpenpals.com/subforma13mug2.html ">Click</a> http://www.pottedpenpals.com/subforma13mug2.html ©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿© "I'm confused," the little boy admitted to his teacher. "I went to church last Sunday and they kept telling me to stand up for Jesus! But then, I went to the World Series final game, and everyone kept yelling, 'For Christ's sake, sit down!'" ©¿©-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------©¿© A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each issue...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj Returns next issue! Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com ©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿© Chick With Big Knockers <a href=" http://www.pottedpenpals.com/subforma13mug3.html ">Click</a> http://www.pottedpenpals.com/subforma13mug3.html Turn Me On <a href=" http://www.pottedpenpals.com/subforma13mug4.html ">Click</a> http://www.pottedpenpals.com/subforma13mug4.html ©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿© Keli and Anni were having a picnic in a park. Anni says, "See my new diamond ring? My husband bought it for me." Keli replies, "Oh, that's nice! That's really, really nice!" Anni then says, "And see that shiny new Jaguar parked over there? My husband bought it for me." To which Keli says, "Oh, that's nice! That's really, really nice!" Anni then tells her, "And you know that big white house at the top of the hill? My husband is gonna buy that for me." Again Keli says, "Oh, that's nice! That's really, really nice!" Anni then says, "Oh my stars, here I am, going on and on about myself! Tell me, what does your husband do for you?" Keli tells her, "Well, my husband sent me to charm school." Anni asked, "Charm school? Why on earth would he do that?" Keli replies, "Because I used to say, 'Who gives a flying fart?,' but now I say, 'Oh, that's nice! That's really, really nice!'" ©¿©--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------©¿© Put your brand on everyone's desktop...See You Again software gives you the ability to get your logo right up in front of the people you need...bringing them back over and over again to YOUR site! Get a jump on the competition...See You Again! <a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/23.html";>Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/23.html ©¿©------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------©¿© If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿© The veterinarian told the Becky that her dog needed some exercise. "You need to make sure the dog runs around," the doctor said. "Try playing a game of fetch the ball." "I can't play fetch with my dog," Becky said. "Why not?" the doctor asked. "Because," Becky replied, "He can't throw, duh." ©¿©--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------©¿© Motto seen painted on a plumbing truck: "In our business, a flush beats a full house ©¿©-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------©¿© Which list of Canadian provinces is complete? A. Alberta, British Columbia, Manitoba, New Brunswick, Newfoundland, Nova Scotia, Ontario B. Alberta, British Columbia, Manitoba, New Brunswick, Newfoundland, Québec, Saskatchewan C. British Columbia, Manitoba, New Brunswick, Newfoundland, Nova Scotia, Ontario, Prince Edward Island, Québec, Saskatchewan D. Alberta, British Columbia, Manitoba, New Brunswick, Newfoundland, Nova Scotia, Ontario, Prince Edward Island, Québec, Saskatchewan --- Which lake is the largest freshwater lake in the world. A. Lake Victoria in Africa. B. Lake Superior in North America. C. Lake Michigan in North America. D. Lake Huron in North America. <Answers in Next Issue!> Last Issue's Answers: Which event was NOT an important factor in England and France's struggle for dominion over Canada? D. In 1850, British soldiers stationed in Canada devise modern ice hockey --- Which cartoon bird debuted in "Walky Talky Hawky" in 1946? C. Foghorn Leghorn © Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications Website: http://quizqueen.net Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED] ©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿© The current scandals over how large companies have been cooking the books reminds me of a basic accounting course I took years ago. The professor was explaining an accounting method called First In Last Out, which is useful for industries that accumulate large inventories of stuff. It explains why the oil industry, for example, reported huge profits during the 1970's when the oil shortage occured. They stopped buying oil, so they had to use oil that, on paper, had been purchased in the 1930's at 20¢ a barrel. They of course sold it at current market prices, which accounted for their huge profits. One of the students put up his hand and said, "Excuse me, sir, but that doesn't sound very ethical to me." To which the professor replied, "You're in the wrong class, son, this is Accounting 101. Ethics 101 is two doors down the hall, on the left." ©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿© Boob Job Brittney <a href=" http://www.pottedpenpals.com/subforma13mug5.html ">Click</a> http://www.pottedpenpals.com/subforma13mug5.html If Men Had Periods <a href=" http://www.pottedpenpals.com/subforma13mug6.html ">Click</a> http://www.pottedpenpals.com/subforma13mug6.html ©¿©---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------©¿© <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.> Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says; I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it." "Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?" "Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator. "Hm. Well, where do you catch'em?" "Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp." "Same here. Hm. How do you catch'em?" "Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite'em, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat'em!" "Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by thetime you get done shakin' the shit out of a lawyer, there's nothing'left but lips and a briefcase..." <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ©¿©--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------©¿© Do you love PHWeekly? Enough to open your wallet a little? If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ©¿©--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------©¿© Sal tells me that when the driver of a huger tractor trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage. Within a matter of minutes, another truck pulled up and unloaded a crew of workers. The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and good as new. "Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was that white stuff you used to get all of the pieces together?" The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste." ©¿©------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------©¿© The Man Song <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mansong.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/mansong.html The Woman Song <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/wmnsong.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/wmnsong.html ©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿© A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for services. He was asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun." The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly. "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God," The patient replies, " Then send the bill to my brother-in-law." ©¿©--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------©¿© Get your condoms here! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/5.html ">Click</a> ©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿© A blonde, tired of being made fun of and determined to end it all, grabs a rope and heads out to the park, where there are lots of trees. A couple of hours later a man is walking by and sees the blonde, hanging from a tree by the waist. "Can I help you with something, miss?" asks the man. "No thanks. I've just had it with the world and with everyone making fun of me, so I'm hanging myself." replies the blonde. "Well, you've got to put the rope around your neck if you want to do that," offers the man helpfully. "Well, I tried that," says the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe." ©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿© GEMS (Very Addictive) <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/gems.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/gems.html Play Mario <a href=" http://humorcorner.com/dmp/mario.html ">Click</a> http://humorcorner.com/dmp/mario.html ©¿©-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------©¿© An Australian scientist claims he's discovered the perfect way to urinate - and it involves both men and women sitting. Professor Ajay Rane says people should sit on the toilet with their hands on their knees, leaning forward. The James Cook University professor has spent years trying to help people who suffer from a weak bladder. He said: "It involves basically advising women - and men, in fact - to sit on the toilet with their feet flat on the ground, elbows on their knees, and leaning forward as if they're reading a newspaper on the floor. "This improves both bladder and bowel function." News.com quotes him as saying if a person "hovers", they empty only one third of their bladder. He says he's also conducting a study to find out whether a toilet with a seat or the third-world squat toilet works best. He said: "If the jury comes back saying the hole in the ground is the best way to go, I think some serious decisions will have to be made all over the developed world." Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿© A Yankee and a Scot were walking one day near the foot of one of the Scotch mountains. The Scot, wishing to impress the visitor, produced a famous echo to be heard in that place. When the echo returned clearly after nearly four minutes, the proud Scotsman, turning to the Yankee, exclaimed: "There, mon, ye canna show anything like that in your country." "Oh I don't know," said the American, "I guess we can better that. Why, in my camp in the Rockies, when I go to bed I just lean out the window and call out, 'Time to get up; wake up!' and eight hours later the echo comes back and wakes me." ©¿©-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------©¿© [||||] B U L L E T P L A T E S P E C I A L [||||] Warner Books will publish The Sopranos Family Cook Book available in September. (USA Today) Typical goodfella menu: Little Caesar Salad. . . Garbanzos Gambino in Garlic Sauce. . . New Orleans Sub Machine Gumbo. . . Roast Broken Leg of Lamb. . . and Bonanno Cream Pie. Copyright © 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿© <A Classic!> A guy stops to talk to a beautiful woman standing alone by a bus stop. "Hello, I must say, you are about the most beautiful woman I have ever met." "Thank you very much, replied the woman." The guy quickly follows up, "I was wondering if you'd sleep with me for a million dollars?" "A million dollars!" the girl responds. She thinks for a moment and answers, "Yes, I would sleep with you for a million dollars." "How about five bucks? " responds the guy. "Five Bucks!, What kind of woman do you think I am?" "We've already determined that," he replies. "Now we're just haggling over money. ©¿©--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------©¿© HE'S SO CUTE !!! Get your own interactive DeskMate for FREE <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/13.html";>Click Here </a> !! FREE !! DOWNLOAD NOW !! FREE !! Tahni. The world's cutest digital Supermodel! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/14.html "> Click Here </a> ©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿© Yesterday my son came home and said, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is - I got 18 out of 20 on my driver's test." I said, "Great! Now what's the bad news?" He said, "They were pedestrians." ©¿©---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------©¿© Bill's wife asked him to go to the video store and get 'Scent of a Woman' the other day. She hit hit him over the head when he came back with a 'Fish Called Wanda' ©¿©--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------©¿© WIN Kim Burke's new book....just by entering the Paul's Fun House contest...one lucky winner will take home a personally signed copy of Kim's book "Incidents and Accidents For Frazzled Women"...you cannot win if you don't enter! It will take you less than 1 minute to do so and you can enter once each day: <a href=" http://contest.paulsfunhouse.com ">Click</a> http://contest.paulsfunhouse.com A Girl's Guide To Condoms - by Mimi Coucher WARNING: ======== Guys cannot read this. If you are a guy and are reading this, stop immediately. The following article is chock-full of highly intimate girl secrets that will be 10 times more embarrassing than any TV commercial for feminine-hygiene products you've ever seen. So quit now. I mean it. You'll be sorry. Condoms De-mystified ==================== There are basically three kinds of condoms: unlubricated latex, lubricated latex, and lambskin. The lambskins are no good because they haven't been proven to be a barrier to infection. Anyway, they're really made of lambies and that makes us sad, especially around Easter time. (The real reason we don't like them is that they actually smell like lamb. One is tempted to lubricate them with mint jelly.) There are variations on the basic latex condoms. Some condoms are pre-lubricated, with spermicidal jelly, even. Others are not. Strictly B.Y.O.K.Y. The strangest variation by far is the ribbed latex condom. Why are these condoms ribbed? This is supposed to be stimulating? Should one attempt to play washboard tunes on it? This is just part of a big problem with condoms. Condoms were, and are, designed by men. If Girls Designed Condoms... What a wonderful world it would be. Skip the ribbing, skip the lube. If women designed condoms there is no question that they would be padded. "But size doesn't matter!" comes a chorus of voices. (The loudest voices come from boys who are peeking. Stop that right now. Turn to the sports page immediately.) Sure *length* doesn't matter. But give any girl a small dose of truth serum and ask her about width. Admit it. If padded condoms were placed on the market, hordes of screaming women would storm the their local druggists and dash out with tote bags full. Unfortunately, it wouldn't work. After all, there is that ticklish issue of boy sensitivity, which we can't overlook, even if we occasionally want to. Padded condoms would rob boys of the skin-to- skin sensation they already claim condoms rob them of. And we can't have that. No, we modern women, being kind and sensitive lovers, would design whisper-soft condoms, completely transparent and microscopically thin. The paisley, rainbow, and floral-print condoms we designed would be strictly novelty items, kept for special occasions only. Ditto the condoms with cute sayings: "Hang in there, baby, Friday's coming"; "My girlfriend went to Florida and all I got was this lousy condom"; and the classic "I'm with stupid" (arrow pointing back toward the boy). Other specialty items would include the male-ego condom, which, like black olives, come in three sizes:jumbo, colossal, and humongous. Naughty subversives would enjoy the Karen Finley assortment, colorful, decorative condoms that turn ordinary penises into bananas, hot dogs, yams, and more. But I digress. The best place to buy condoms is your local massive drugstore that has them on display, self-serve, just like corn pads or athlete's foot spray. So go shopping. Dress cool, hold your head high, read labels, make your selection. Be assured that most popular brands come with little instruction booklets much like the ones found in boxes of Tampax (uh oh --don't mix them up!). While at the drugstore, be sure to purchase at least one of the following items: Tickle anti-perspirant, Ban Roll-on, or any of the Calvin Klein line of men's grooming aids. You'll need these for important condom experiments at home. At home, be alone. Light candles. Play inspiring music; any record by Rick James will do. Remove one of the condoms from its packet. Examine it carefully. Then put it to work. Experiment with your slippery new friends; whip those sons-of-gummi-worms into shape. Recruit those deodorant bottles and practice, practice, practice. And how about some new nicknames for the old standbys? Love skins. Slicks. Wet suits. Silk stockings. Eight-by-two glossies. Soon enough, you'll be happy and relaxed, perfectly in control of those silly little slips o' sin. But wait. Something's missing. Oh yes, the hard part. I mean the good part. I mean, both. The Condomed Man ================ It is far, far easier to start them on condoms when the relationship is young. In fact, the condom is a terrific tool of seduction when you're ready to make the leap between the sheets. Call that someone on the phone and say to him, casual-like, "I just bought a new kind of condom and I'm dying to try it out... want to come over?" Or when out on the town with your paramour, and the clock on the clubhouse wall says thump thump thump, push that hunk against the wall and growl, "Listen, buddy. I've got a condom in my pocket and I'm not afraid to use it. We're going home." Welcome To The Safety Patrol ============================ Before you know it, you'll be a veritable connoisseur of condoms. You'll allow them to drop casually out of your purse in front of attractive men at cocktail parties. You'll dispense them to friends, give lessons, perhaps even roll your own. "Oh, handsome boyfriend," you'll soon sigh, "I've always wanted to see you in rubber." And he won't mind one bit. We've Come A Long Way... ======================== We thought we were pretty darn smart, all right. In the '60s we became liberated and bravely marched into our neighborhood women's-health collective, had our blood tested and our bodies examined, and marched out armed with a pink carousel of little tablets and a new attitude. We related to our sex partners, we discovered the joys of uninhibited physical thrills, we took our pills regularly. In the '70s we were sorry for it and went en masse to our gynecologists to be fitted for diaphragms. We carried them everywhere, became geniuses of delicate timing. We tried IUDs, flirted with cervical caps worn at jaunty angles. We researched and discussed the issues with candor and aplomb; ask any high-spirited modern girl and she'll tell you all about the G-spot, male menopause, the Hite report, impotence, arousal, pregnancy, the Kama Sutra, birth control. Ready for the '80s? Hell, we thought we were ready for anything. Anything but this. No woman, not even the most avid reader of sex manuals or sophisticated connoisseur of amour, is prepared for the experience of walking to the corner drugstore and asking the freckle- faced adolescent behind the counter for a package of... condoms. OLD FACT: ========= Condoms aren't sexy. Neither are rubbers, sheaths, prophylactics, Coney Island white fish, raincoats, skins, safes, rubber booties, socks. The package says, "Sold for the prevention of venereal disease." The boys say, Sold for the prevention of love. Often compared to taking a bath with socks on, the condom ritual was the classic bane to the romantic advances of bumbling '50s teens. NEW FACT: ========= Unless you can account for all the blood transfusions, intravenous activities, and sexual escapades of your partner and your partner's partners, you'd best get used to the idea, right now. "Say," you blink innocently, "shouldn't the boy be taking some responsibility for this dangerous transaction?" Yes, of course. But I wouldn't count on it. You know how they are. And here's a horrifying thought: not only are you protecting yourself against your partner, you're protecting your partner against *you*. Buy Now, Lay Later ================== Don't even pretend for one minute that you're never going to do "it" again. You will. So brace yourself for the new shopping experience of the '80s. First take: you enter a quiet, out-of-the-way drugstore that has a display of walkers and bedpans in the window. Confident that no one you know will ever spot you here, you stride over to the kindly old pharmacist at the back of the store. "Excuse me," you venture a little shakily. "Where are your rubbers?" You are gently guided to a Totes display in Aisle Three. To save face, you buy a pair of men's size 11s and ditch them in a corner trash can, determined to do better next time. Second take: the next store you choose is a little larger, and crowded. But you can't find the condoms anywhere. There is a line at the cash register. You stand in it, patiently, rehearsing your lines. You arrive. "Excuse me," you politely whisper to the surly loud-mouthed Iranian behind the counter, "where are your prophylactics?" "Right here," he shouts. "What kind ya want?" "Uh, Trojans, I guess." "Lubricated or non-lubricated?" he bellows. "Ya want ribs? We got the ribs kinds." By this time, the entire store is involved in the drama, the crowd behind you is silently hanging on your every word, and you're sure that that's your third-grade teacher who just walked in. "Oh, uh, skip it, thanks. I'll just tell my little brother that he'll have to buy his own." Don't be discouraged. Buying condoms is a tough job, but somebody's got to do it. And here's a heartening fact that I bet even *you* didn't know, Ms. Modern: marketing tests prove that women buy more condoms than men do, and have for years. That's why, ever since the late '70s, condom packages have featured air-brushed photos of couples holding hands at sunset. They thought we'd like that. We don't, but it will have to do til pictures of Mick Jagger, Mel Gibson, or beautiful shoes come along. Your article length submissions are welcome...send your humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a> Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour. ©¿©----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------©¿© The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such material...then DON'T click them! 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