©¿©<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->©¿© and ©¿©<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->©¿© presents
<---------------------PHWeekly Joke Ezine!---------------------> <-------The Little Sister Of Purehumour Joke Ezine------> PHWeekly (aka Purehumour Weekly) is now residing at the home of Paul's Fun House (http://www.paulsfunhouse.com) PHWeekly features the BEST Adult humour on the net...in the unlikely event that you no long wish to be a subscriber... please see the bottom of this mailing to unsubscribe. *please note...all replies to this ezine are discarded without being read...for contact info...please see the bottom of this mailing also. Welcome back...it has been a few weeks since the last issue of PHWeekly...the months of April and May have been crazy for me...I have not had a weekend at home since March 30th... and I am off on the road again tomorrow. I am try to catch up on my schedule...so this issue is a day early. You'll also find all the "Dog's Worlds" that you missed and a new addition to PHWeekly...toons from Ugrin are back! And PHWeekly will feature a large selection of them in each issue...to make the Ugrin program successful though you must support it by clicking the toons. Thanks for your patience in sticking by me over the past few weeks...I'll try to be a little better prepared next time! Today's issue includes contributions by: Melissa, SunAmy, The Posens, Marsha, Marina, Ken. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ©¿©-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------©¿© Lets start with a quickie: Who was Tonto looking for in the bank? The Loan Arranger ©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿© One sure way <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.1000 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.1000 Say's nothing about pants... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.999 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.999 ©¿©------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------©¿© Today's issue is brought to you by: Real people...real cameras....24 hours per day...right into your house! Watch what really goes on behind closed doors! This is NOT a porn site...this is where YOU go to meet and be with people with similar interests...chatrooms, message boards and much more! <a href=" http://www.anywebcam.com/a.nsf/a?ReadForm&AID=015932 ">Click</a> http://www.anywebcam.com/a.nsf/a?ReadForm&AID=015932 ©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿© An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not much trouble. The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her and guaranteed her it would be a wonderful companion. The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays. The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder, and he would stay there. She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know him. Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church. Just as everyone quieted down, and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It's goddamned cold in here!" Everyone turned to look at her, and she ran out of the church in total embarrassment! All the next week, she talked to the parrot, explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church. The parrot understood, so she put him on her shoulder, and went to church the following Sunday. Once again, just as everything got quiet, and the sermon began, the parrot squawked, looked around and loudly proclaimed, "It's goddamned cold in here!" And again the woman ran from the church. The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner. Since she didn't want to get rid of the parrot, the owner offered the following solution: "If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times and return him to your shoulder." "That'll work?" asked the woman. "Guaranteed!" exclaimed the owner. So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church, and, sure enough, just as the sermon started the parrot squawked, "It's goddamned cold in here!" Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 or 6 times, and placed him back on her shoulder. The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, "Pretty fuckin' windy, too!" ©¿©--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------©¿© LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ©¿©------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------©¿© Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿© They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before the last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona. ©¿©----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------©¿© To drink or not to drink...that is the question! Check it out <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ©¿©-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------©¿© Someone is going to make your product obsolete. Make sure it's you. -Edwin H Land ©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿© Ugly Sod... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.998 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.998 Jerk in the box <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.997 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.997 ©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿© It was a really hot day at the office. There were about 20 people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on. All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odour passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever experienced. One lady said, "Uh oh, someone's deodorant isn't working." The "not so bright man" in the corner replied, "It can't be me. I'm not wearing any." ©¿©-------------------------A DOG'S WORLD------------------------©¿© A Dog's World is a continuing story that will appear in each issue...miss a segment?...then check out the archives at: http://www.escribe.com/humor/pj [Since it has been a few weeks since PHWeekly has been published....I need to catch you up...so here are all the installments that you have missed!] "This place is full of fruit." Sam said. "They preserve it down here for the winter." "How do you suppose we open the jars?" Asked Shep, a dalmatian. "We can't open the jars but we can break them" Answered Sam. As carefully as they could the began searching for a jar on a low shelf. Rex found one and using his enormous jaws he picked up the jar and placed it on the floor. After some thought he picked it up again, stood on hind legs, and dropped the jar, shattering the contents on the dusty floor. The six dogs stood motionless, afraid the farmer had heard and would soon be down to investigate. They were starving and wanted eat. But they didn't. Finally, Ralph, the pitbull edged forward and began to lap up the mess. -- The rest of the dogs joined in. The jam spread across the floor would keep them through the night. This was all they were sure of. As the next day came, the dogs became more comfortable in their surroundings. They ate the preserved fruit and began to talk more freely, as they realized the family couldn't hear them. The only dog that didn't seem to relax was Rex. He sat in the corner, by himself and hardly said a word. Sam knew something was wrong. Rex was normally loud, abrasive, and head strong, just like Doberman's were supposed to be. Sam was afraid to ask Rex what was the matter, he cared but didn't want to hear the answer. -- The answer to Rex's silence came not in words but in odor. The five other dogs were all at once hit with an aroma like they had run into a wall. "What the Christ? Rex what are doing over there?" Sam asked while trying to hide his eyes. Rex remained silent. "My God, I can't breathe." Porky, the Yorkshire Terrier added. "What the hell is the matter with you?" Ralph, the Pitbull, demanded to know. Copyright 2001-02 D. Scott Check out more at: http://www.humorcorner.com ©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿© Oral Sex Coupon <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sc.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sc.html Computer Tip Of The Day <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/tip8.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/tip8.html Computer Tip Of The Day <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/tip16.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/tip16.html Kissing The Golf Trophy <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/golftrophy.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/golftrophy.html Subtle Sex Card <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sexcard.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/sexcard.html He Was Twice My Age <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/whtlw54.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/whtlw54.html Happy Meal <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/meal.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/meal.html Necessity Is The Mother Of Invention <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/invent2.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/invent2.html ©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿© Aboard the USS TARAWA for six months, my brother Don posted a picture of his beloved truck in his locker. Since his fellow Marines had pictures of their girlfriends posted, they often ridiculed him for his object of adoration. "Laugh all you want," Don told them. "At least my truck will still be there when I get home." ©¿©--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------©¿© Put your brand on everyone's desktop...See You Again software gives you the ability to get your logo right up in front of the people you need...bringing them back over and over again to YOUR site! Get a jump on the competition...See You Again! <a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/23.html";>Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/23.html ©¿©------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------©¿© If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿© Greg was telling Sam how his uncle tried to make a new car for himself..."so he took wheels from a Cadillac, a radiator from a Ford, some tires and fenders from a Plymouth..." "Holy Cow," interrupted Sam, "What did he end up with?" And Greg replied, "Two years in jail." ©¿©--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------©¿© If women can have PMS... then men can have ESPN. ©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿© A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?" "I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough ©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿© Please stop... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.996 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.996 Anatomy 101 <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.995 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.995 ©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿© I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The triage nurse asked for my height and weight. I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight and 125 pounds." While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me. "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is NOT the Internet." ©¿©--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------©¿© A man was in charge of off loading the grain from the ships at the harbor. Unfortunately the grain was very moist and did not get sucked up by vacuum too easily. He approached the foreman for some advice, and was told: "If at first you don't suck seed, try a drier grain." ©¿©------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------©¿© Glue Gun Uses <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/glue.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/glue.html Head and Pelvis Shampoo (audio) <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/headpelv.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/headpelv.html Need A BeerHolder <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/beerhold.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/beerhold.html GraveStone <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/grave.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/grave.html How Moustaches Were Invented <a href=" http://www.jillsjokeline.com/moustache.html ">Click</a> http://www.jillsjokeline.com/moustache.html Whats On Freuds Mind <a href=" http://www.pottedpenpals.com/april.html ">Click</a> http://www.pottedpenpals.com/april.html Road Sign For Guys <a href=" http://www.pottedpenpals.com/potted2.html ">Click</a> http://www.pottedpenpals.com/potted2.html Some Men Don't Mind Mowing <a href=" http://www.pottedpenpals.com/potted1.html ">Click</a> http://www.pottedpenpals.com/potted1.html ©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿© There is this American tourist on a trip around Ireland. When the tour arrives at Belfast he decides to go for a stroll with the aim of taking in this new culture. After he's been walking for a while someone rushes up behind him and sticks a gun in his back. The person says to the tourist, "What are you, Catholic or Protestant?" The American thinks to himself "Great -- if I say I'm Catholic, this guy is sure to be Protestant. If I say I'm Protestant, he's sure to be Catholic. Either way I'm dead." Then he has a brain wave and says to the guy, "Actually I'm Jewish." This, he thinks to himself, will surely keep him safe. The guy behind him then replies, "Gee, I must be the luckiest Arab in Ireland." ©¿©--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------©¿© Get your condoms here! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/5.html ">Click</a> ©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿© Sometimes ... when you cry ... no one sees your tears ... Sometimes...when you are worried....no one sees your pain... Sometimes ... when you are happy ... no one sees your smile ... But fart just one time... ©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿© It wears off... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.994 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.994 The mens Room <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.993 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.993 ©¿©-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------©¿© A Brazilian town celebrating Orgasm Day put an 'orgasm urn' in its square for people to post messages about their sex lives. Esperantina's special day ended with a seminar chaired by 63-year-old prostitute Raimunda Alves, who spoke about her clients' sexual preferences. The town was decorated with flowers and signs - one said: 'Orgasm is a gift of God.' Promoter Arimatea Dantas - a socialist member of the town council - financed the celebrations. He told El Comercio newspaper: "We want people to feel free to talk about their orgasms, and we ultimately hope that they'll have better sex lives." He added: "Most women here have never reached the apex during intercourse - they don't even know the word 'orgasm'." Mayor Ivaldo Franco said the village has more important issues to deal with than orgasms. "I can't support something like this. Our town is very poor and has other priorities," he said. Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿© <A Classic!> A gay couple is driving along one afternoon, and while stopped at a stop sign, they are rear ended by a big semi. Furiously, the guy in the passenger side throws his purse on the seat, gets out of the car, goes back to the truck and starts banging on the door. The truck driver opens the door and the gay guy, standing there with his hands on his hips, says, "I'm gonna sue your ass, Buddy!" The truck driver, laughs and says, "Suck my dick!" The gay guy stands there for a second, then his eyes get really big and his face lights up. He runs back to the car, and says excitedly to his lover, "You won't believe it, he wants to settle out of court!" ©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿© It Can Ruin Your Eyesight <a href=" http://www.pottedpenpals.com/potted4.html ">Click</a> http://www.pottedpenpals.com/potted4.html Toxic Fumes <a href=" http://www.pottedpenpals.com/potted3.html ">Click</a> http://www.pottedpenpals.com/potted3.html No One Will Notice <a href=" http://www.j-j-c.net/pic3.htm ">Click</a> http://www.j-j-c.net/pic3.htm Anatomy 101 <a href=" http://www.j-j-c.net/anatomy.htm ">Click</a> http://www.j-j-c.net/anatomy.htm The Male Brain <a href=" http://www.j-j-c.net/mbrain.htm ">Click</a> http://www.j-j-c.net/mbrain.htm The Female Brain <a href=" http://www.j-j-c.net/fbrain.htm ">Click</a> http://www.j-j-c.net/fbrain.htm Synonyms <a href=" http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/004.html ">Click</a> http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/004.html Because You Are My Friend <a href=" http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/005.html ">Click</a> http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/005.html ©¿©-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------©¿© [||||] B A C K B O A R D B O R E D O M [||||] Researchers at New York State and Drexel Universities have developed a method of implanting electrodes in the gray matter of rats that allow precise direction by remote control to insure repetitive behavior through a system of rewards. (USA Today) We've had that for years. It's called the NBA. Copyright © 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿© A stripper had a parrot that she kept in her bathroom. Everytime she would undress to take a shower, the parrot would screech, "I see your ass.... I see your ass!" Finally, one day she got tired of the parrot's screeching; so she rung his neck and threw him out the window into the backyard. As the parrot lay there flopping around, the neighbour threw the evening dinner chicken off the back porch after ringing its neck. The parrot raised up, looked over at the chicken and said... "Whose ass did you see ?" ©¿©--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------©¿© HE'S SO CUTE !!! Get your own interactive DeskMate for FREE <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/13.html";>Click Here </a> !! FREE !! DOWNLOAD NOW !! FREE !! Tahni. The world's cutest digital Supermodel! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/14.html "> Click Here </a> ©¿©--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------©¿© Don't play with that... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.992 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.992 The Winners... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.991 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.12.991 ©¿©--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------©¿© When Keli decided to improve her computer skills, she threw herself into it with enthusiasm. Every week she'd check out five or six instructional books from the library. After about two months the librarian commented, "Wow! You must really be getting knowledgeable by now." "Thanks," Keli said. "How can you tell?" The librarian explained, "Only two of the books you're checking out this week have 'For Dummies' in their titles." ©¿©---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------©¿© How do you turn a Stallion into a pig? You marry him ©¿©--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------©¿© Like Mother, Like Son by Dave Glardon Okay, so I'm a clown. Those who know me best are pretty sure I was dropped on my head at birth. Maybe I was. But if you want to know the real source of my insanity, you'd have to know my mom. It's hereditary. I learned a lot from Mom over the years. She imparted a strong sense of values, and taught me to share my toys, lend a hand, and not to hit girls (or boys who were a lot bigger than me). But the most important thing she taught me was not to take life too seriously. With Mom, you learned to expect the unexpected. I'll never forget the day we were all sitting in the family room and Dad was watching TV. Mom sat at the table with a cigarette in one hand, a firecracker in the other, and a thoughtful gleam in her eyes. I should've run. "Dare me?" she asked with an ornery grin, holding the fuse next to the glowing cigarette. "You wouldn't!" I laughed. Famous last words. As the fuse hissed and fizzled, she tossed the firecracker nonchalantly across the room and plugged her ears. "Mom!" I gasped in utter disbelief. Less than a second later, it went off. So did Dad. I never knew he could move so fast. Mom and I got a good laugh out of it. Dad got a pacemaker. With Mom around, you never knew what to expect. Of course, this is the same woman who, as a young girl, jumped off the barn roof with an umbrella. She'd seen Mary Poppins, and decided flying was the way to go. Well, it was definitely faster. She was the first one to the ground. Mom grew up in a family of twelve, in the deep woods of northern Florida. There were times we'd speculate about the family tree, but never in her presence. Okay, I'm kidding. We knew better. But the rest of those stereotypes are pretty much true. I remember Mom sitting at the dining room table one night drinking buttermilk, and a small belch escaped. My sister gasped, but my brother raised the ante. Within seconds, he and Mom were belching the alphabet as my sister turned the color of broccoli. Mom also taught me there are times when you shouldn't laugh. Of course, these are usually the times we laugh the hardest. One of my favorites was her story of a small church baptism. Okay, let's face it, baptism is a sacred event, and the slightest hint of disorder is an instant ticket to Hell. This is the way she was raised. But no one was ready for what happened that night. It was a small country church, where baptism was done by full immersion. There was a large pool of water behind the choir, with a glass front so the entire congregation could watch. The person being baptized sat on a seesaw and was dunked. On this particular occasion, a rather large woman was being baptized. Okay, she was huge. It took three men on the other end of the seesaw to lower her slowly into the pool. Everything went according to plan until they raised her back up. As the water ran down the seesaw, they lost their grip. Gravity took over, and the woman fell back into the water, sending a large wave crashing over the edge of the pool and onto the choir singing softly below. And no one laughed. Yeah, right! Yes, Mom could laugh with the best of them. And she taught me at an early age that the best laughter is that which you direct at yourself. Words to live by. As we celebrate Mother's Day this weekend, my mind is full of wonderful memories. Mom left this world seven years ago, but her spirit lives in everything I write. You see, it was Mom who first encouraged me to write. She would have been proud. And to the woman who once stood in the yard talking softly to the neighbor's marijuana plant, warning it of its impending fate, I once again give thanks. Yes, it's possible Mom was a little off balance. And if that's true, I just pray to God it really is hereditary. © 2002 Dave Glardon - All rights reserved -- Dave Glardon is a product of the fifties who came of age in the seventies and is still trying to make sense of the nineties. You can visit his Website at http://www.daveglardon.com Your article length submissions are welcome...send your humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a> Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour. ©¿©----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------©¿© The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such material...then DON'T click them! This is your only warning! 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None of this material is considered copyright...it is considered in the public domain. If any material is copyrighted please notify me at <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Copyright</a> and proper credit will be given. It has been collected from various sources and submitters names have been included when given. Paul Croft - Owner/Editor-In-Chief/Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour! Contact me: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Paul's Address</a> Do you have a product, website or mailing list?? Interested in advertising on PHWeekly?? Ad rates are only $2.00 CPM More details? <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Ad Rates</a> Email submissions to: Jokes: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Send Jokes</a> PHWeekly Joke Ezine as a whole is copyright © Paul Croft-2002 All Worldwide rights reserved! PHWeekly is published in small town Canada...all views expressed are not necessarily those of the publisher and should not be taken as such...they are meant in the spirit of humour and nothing else! 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