Thank you, President [Al] Hunt, members of the
Gridiron . . . at one point during your skits, I had a little
scare. I felt a tightness in my chest. I started gasping for air
and breathing irregularly. Then I realized it's called laughing. .
. .
Lots of familiar faces here tonight. I always feel a genuine
bond whenever I see Senator Clinton. She's the only person who's
the center of more conspiracy theories than I am.
But enough of this camaraderie. This is the absolute truth: my
last full-blown press conference was when I was Secretary of
Defense in April of 1991. . . . Although it's only been 13
years . . . I thought you might have come up with some new
questions by now. And I have here some cards on which you have
done just that. . . .
Here's an unsigned question. "Mr. Vice President, don't you
think it's time to step down and let someone else add new energy
and vitality to the ticket?"
No . . . I don't. And Rudy [Guiliani], you need to do a better
job disguising your handwriting.
Oh . . . and Rudy has a follow up. "How can you be so sure
you'll be on the ticket?"
Because the CIA told me so! . . .
Dave Broder: "How would you accurately describe your role in
this administration? Be honest."
I would say that I am a dark, insidious force pushing Bush
toward war and confrontation. . . .
Helen Thomas wants to know, "How do you justify attacking
innocent dictators?"
Helen, let me get back to you on that. I need to talk to
Richard Perle.
Terry Hunt of AP wants to know, "Has Senator Kerry had Botox
treatments?"
Terry, I have some guidance on that from Deputy Secretary of
Defense Paul Wolfowitz:
"The Administration takes this development seriously. Botox, of
course, is related to the botulism toxin, which can be processed
into high-grade biological weapons. We have dispatched Dr. David
Kay . . . to search for the bio-warfare agents we believe hidden
in Senator Kerry's forehead. If Senator Kerry has used botox as
part of a wrinkle enrichment program, he is in violation of U.N.
Resolution 752. Upon receiving Dr. Kay's report, the weapons of
mass destruction that Senator Kerry so adamantly insists do not
exist . . . may well be above his very nose." End of
statement.
Susan Page of USA Today asks, "What do you think of Senator
John Edwards?"
I think he's cute as a button. . . .
Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, it's getting late . . . and Nino
[Scalia] and I have to get up early to go duck hunting . . . so
let me say a few words in closing.
I have known some of the journalists in this room for many
years. One of Dave Broder's guests tonight is my old friend and
former Washington Post reporter, Lou Canon.
The thing
about reporters like Lou is that he is always looking for that
scoop called truth. The effort, insight, and integrity of our
finest journalists, like Lou, are especially critical to our
understanding of the dangers that face America. From the hour our
country was attacked on September 11th, up to the present,
American journalism has produced some of its finest work ever.
Some of you have been to Iraq or Afghanistan, or to a
military installation at home or abroad. And as we close this
evening, I think I can safely speak for all of us in expressing
pride and admiration for our people in uniform.
They have
seen hard duty, long deployments, fierce fighting . . . and they
have endured the loss of friends and comrades.
Along the
way, they have liberated 50 million souls from tyranny . . .
protected this country from terrorist violence . . . and kept the
nation's enemies in desperate flight. Here in Washington, we
continue to have our debates and disagreements about the course of
this war. Yet there is no doubting the scale of our military's
achievements, or the honor of the men and women who have carried
out the missions.
Tonight we can be grateful that
America's cause is in good hands.