In the spirit of Monty Python, I post this to the list.  You can insert
anyone's name (esp mine) and it will work well to give a general idea of
list dynamics.

More of these can be found at http://www.intriguing.com/mp/

Enjoy,
MJR

___

           Title: Argument Sketch

            From: Monty Python's Flying Circus

  Transcribed By: unknown





A man walks into an office.



Man: Good morning, I'd like to have an argument, please.

Receptionist: Certainly, sir.  Have you been here before?

Man: No, this is my first time.

Receptionist: I see, well we'll see who's free at the moment.

              Mr. Bakely's free, but he's a little bit concilliatory.
No.

              Try Mr. Barnhart, room 12.

Man: Thank you.



He enters room 12.



Angry man: WHADDAYOU WANT?

Man: Well, Well, I was told outside that...

Angry man: DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED EVIL PAN OF DROPPINGS!

Man: What?

A: SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT!  YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE!  YOU
VACUOUS

   STUFFY-NOSED MALODOROUS PERVERT!!!

M: Yes, but I came here for an argument!!

A: OH!  Oh!  I'm sorry!  This is abuse!

M: Oh!  Oh I see!

A: Aha!  No, you want room 12A, next door.

M: Oh...Sorry...

A: Not at all!

A: (under his breath) stupid git.



The man goes into room 12A.  Another man is sitting behind a desk.



Man: Is this the right room for an argument?

Other Man:(pause) I've told you once.

Man:  No you haven't!

Other Man: Yes I have.

M: When?

O: Just now.

M: No you didn't!

O: Yes I did!

M: You didn't!

O: I did!

M: You didn't!

O: I'm telling you, I did!

M: You didn't!

O: Oh I'm sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half hour?

M: Ah!  (taking out his wallet and paying) Just the five minutes.

O: Just the five minutes.  Thank you.

O: Anyway, I did.

M: You most certainly did not!

O: Now let's get one thing perfectly clear: I most definitely told you!

M: Oh no you didn't!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: Oh no you didn't!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: Oh no you didn't!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: Oh no you didn't!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: Oh no you didn't!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: Oh no you didn't!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: No you DIDN'T!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: No you DIDN'T!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: No you DIDN'T!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: Oh look, this isn't an argument!



(pause)



O: Yes it is!

M: No it isn't!



(pause)



M: It's just contradiction!

O: No it isn't!

M: It IS!

O: It is NOT!

M: You just contradicted me!

O: No I didn't!

M: You DID!

O: No no no!

M: You did just then!

O: Nonsense!

M: (exasperated) Oh, this is futile!!

   (pause)

O: No it isn't!

M: Yes it is!

   (pause)

M: I came here for a good argument!

O: AH, no you didn't, you came here for an argument!

M: An argument isn't just contradiction.

O: Well!  it CAN be!

M: No it can't!

M: An argument is a connected series of statement intended to establish
a

   proposition.

O: No it isn't!

M: Yes it is!  'tisn't just contradiction.

O: Look, if I *argue* with you, I must take up a contrary position!

M: Yes but it isn't just saying "no it isn't".

O: Yes it is!

M: No it isn't!

O: Yes it is!

M: No it isn't!

O: Yes it is!

M: No it ISN'T!  Argument is an intellectual process.  Contradiction is
just

   the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.

O: It is NOT!

M: It is!

O: Not at all!

M: It is!



The Arguer hits a bell on his desk and stops.



O: Thank you, that's it.

M: (stunned) What?

O: That's it.  Good morning.

M: But I was just getting interested!

O: I'm sorry, the five minutes is up.

M: That was never five minutes!!

O: I'm afraid it was.

M: (leading on)  No it wasn't.....

O: I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more.

M: WHAT??

O: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five

   minutes.

M: But that was never five minutes just now!

   Oh Come on!

   Oh this is...

   This is ridiculous!

O: I told you...

   I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you PAY!

M: Oh all right.  (takes out his wallet and pays again.)  There you are.

O: Thank you.

M: (clears throat) Well...

O: Well WHAT?

M: That was never five minutes just now.

O: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!

M: Well I just paid!

O: No you didn't!

M: I DID!!!

O: YOU didn't!

M: I DID!!!

O: YOU didn't!

M: I DID!!!

O: YOU didn't!

M: I DID!!!

O: YOU didn't!

M: I-dbct-fd-tq! I don't want to argue about it!

O: Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay!

M: Ah hah!  Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing???  Ah HAAAAAAHHH!

   Gotcha!

O: No you haven't!

M: Yes I have!

   If you're arguing, I must have paid.

O: Not necessarily.

   I *could* be arguing in my spare time.

M: I've had enough of this!

O: No you haven't.

  (door slam)



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