this came from another group whose headers I've removed, but it's very funny
anyway, even if you don't understand all the jargon.
----- Original Message -----
Funny air controllers quotes. Real (allegedly) funny air controllers
conversations. These disturbingly funny conversations allegedly took
place between air controllers and pilots around the
world. They are included here firstly and simply because many are very
funny; secondly because the collection provides examples of not so
great communications.
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
f...ing bored!"
Ground Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the
little Fokker in sight."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end
of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the
Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return
to the airport."
Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich
overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from
Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed,
rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some
quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with
a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like
yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
Allegedly, while taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a
US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came
nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller
lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell
are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You
turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you
to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take
forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I
tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about
half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I
tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the
ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the
verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the
irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every
cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an
unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
