The Talk2 List pulled from gwb's trash
President Bush will meet this week with Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki to discuss the violence that is spiraling out of control in Iraq. Mr. Bush sent a letter to al-Maliki inviting him to discuss the crisis. Most don't know that such a letter goes through a proofreader before it is released. The proofreader checks for grammatical, factual and logical errors and returns it to the President. Normally, that document is never seen again, but we managed to get our hands on the first draft of the letter written by President Bush to Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki. Dear Prime Mister (Minister) al-Maliki, First let me congratulate you on your extreme makeover. I noticed you trimmed your moustache, lost some weight and shaved your hairline back a bit. Even those judges you're always yelling at will have to admit you look handsome. (I'm not gay by the way.) (Prime Minister al-Maliki has not undergone an extreme makeover. You are confusing him with Saddam Hussein, whom you removed from power. As a side note here, no one would purposely shave his hairline back. Also, I don't think you will have to worry that the Prime Minister will think you're coming on to him simply because you're complimenting his appearance.) A little bird told me your country is heading towards a civil war. That's cool. We had one of those too. It's pretty crazy. If you're standing north of someone and they're standing south of you, you have to fight. It's pretty confusing, but cool. (First, a President should never say that a little birdie told him about something crucial to world security. Second, a civil war is much more organized than your understanding. If what you're describing were true, everyone would be fighting.) There are several things you can do if you want to stop people from punching, kicking, slapping, pinching, blowing up, bow and arrowing (this is no longer a common practice) and shooting each other (just say if you want to stop the violence). First, have you checked your laws? Murder and attacking people without a license may be illegal in which case a lot of people could be in a lot of trouble. (Murder is illegal in every country and I am certain that the Prime Minister knows that breaking the law leads to punishment. You're telling him something that even first graders understand.) Also, have you tried shocking and awing them? Here's what you do. First you surprise them-the shock-then you disappoint them-the aw. We shocked and awed this one country, it was awesome. First we bombed the crap out of some city and people were all like Whoa man! (the shock) and then they were like Aw man, they messed up all of our buildings!(the aw). We never had problems with that country since. (First, it's awe not aw. Besides, saying the Iraqi people were disappointed with the destruction of their cities would be seen as an insensitive understatement. Second, the country we launched a shock and awe campaign against was Iraq! Reminding the Prime Minister of this will likely infuriate him, since this is the reason his country is in turmoil in the first place.) Hey, remember when we found you in that spider hole? (He's not Saddam!) Were the spiders friendly to you or were they jerks? I woke up once and there was a spider in my bed and he was a super big jerk. No matter how many times I yelled at him to get out of my bed he wouldn't. When I finally decided to use deadly force he made a sneaky getaway. Apparently this spider had tied a thin piece of string to my ceiling fan and when I looked up he had already climbed up and was sitting on one of the blades. (This paragraph must be deleted from this letter. However, this is a good time to point out some misconceptions you have about spiders. First, they don't have the capacity to be jerks. They're just spiders. Second, spiders don't tie strings around ceiling fans; you witnessed it making a web. I'm going to send the head of the Department of Wildlife to your office tomorrow to explain further.) Anyway, I want to know if you want to get coffee or something to talk about how bad your country is. If it would make you feel more comfortable, we could double up. I could bring the king of Canada and you could bring one of the presidents of one of the bad guy countries. (I'm not gay by the way.) (He's not going to think you're gay! However, this is not a date and you don't need to double up. Also, Canada does not have a king and telling him to bring someone from one of the bad guy nations implies that he is a bad guy.) I know we should meet some place neutral. I'm thinking the ocean or space. Either one. Let me know. (While meeting someplace neutral is a good thought, you can't go to outer space and the ocean is not a good place to hold an important meeting.) I've got to let you go, I have another letter, (You don't need to make up fake excuses to end a letter.) (On a positive note, I'm very pleased that you finally seemed
The Talk2 List Fw: DreamHost Newsletter v8.11 November 2006
I've decided, in the tradition of Patrick's Novel newsletter, that i'm going to forward thest to talk2. The difference? I quite like these. If anyone wants me to sease, just say so and i will. - Original Message - From: DreamHost November Newslettery [EMAIL PROTECTED] To: Nick G [EMAIL PROTECTED] Sent: Tuesday, December 05, 2006 10:43 PM Subject: DreamHost Newsletter v8.11 November 2006 0. Introduction. 1. Media.dreamhost.com! 2. Google Checkout! 3. Adsense on DreamBook! 4. FREE Hosting For Non-Profits, Forever! 5. DHSOTM! 0. Introduction. You knew it had to happen sooner or later. The DreamHost November could not be denied. I did my best to spare you all. I held off as long as I could. But the need to bore is too strong in this one. IT COULD NOT BE DENIED! I even tried my best to spare everybody from a blog post for a full month, but eventually gave in. It's a completely crass attempt to get a little Christmas gift for ourselves from everybody's favorite public internet company, Google. A gift of say, $190,000,000 or so. You can help it work! And at the same time, cement your reputation as Mr/Mrs-So-Cool-I-Used-DreamHost-BEFORE-Google-Took-Over-And-Turned-Em- To-Crap by reading the post and clicking the DIGG IT! to turn the rumor to reality. http://blog.dreamhost.com/2006/12/05/i-want-some-of-that-action/ You can also just stop reading this newsletter now, because that blog post PRETTY much covers it, but with pretty pictures and an awesome video I took last night of a raccoon who looked like my wife. 1. Media.dreamhost.com! Yes, I do think she looks a lot like a raccoon. But not one of those weird Japanese raccoons with the huge testicles. A nice, normal, U.S.A. raccoon with boobs. And I've got the video to prove it! And I've even got the Flash embedded media player to show it! And, I've even got the Flash embedded image- rotator to show it if it were a slide show instead of FULL MOTION VIDEO! https://media.dreamhost.com/ Go there and you'll see what the HECK I'm talking about! It's a way to put your OWN videos up on your OWN site in your OWN flash player, sans third party logos and linking! And yet still very easy to use. How DO we do it? Anyway, you don't need no STEENKING YouTube anymore if you're a DreamHost customer! At least until Google buys us. Then we'll probably make you use YouTube. And use Google Checkout to pay us. And put Adsense on all your sites. And give you free catered lunches every day. And a billion dollars. Twice. 2. Google Checkout! Last time I checked, Google hasn't bought us. But that doesn't mean we can't make Google PAY. So, now we accept Google Checkout just like we accept PayPal, regular old credit cards, checks, and money orders for your HAPPY hosting bills. Why would you use Google Checkout? Because you love Google. Hadn't you thought of that? And I think we don't pay any credit card processing fees until January if you do. So think of all that extra money you're making us, which we can spend on more bandwidth, disk, servers, power, cooling, employees, rewards, and blow. All at the TINY expense of giving even more of your personal information to the Google Hive Mind Grid Borg Super Computer Mesh Matrix Cluster. Please? https://panel.dreamhost.com/?tree=billing.payment (You'll only see the Google Checkout option if you actually owe money..) 3. Adsense on DreamBook! Speaking of making Google PAY.. we decided to try putting Adsense on DreamBook, because for Jack's sake that one ad with Jack's face on it sure wasn't driving a zillion people over to DreamHost. Well, we're taking in about $50 a day, baby! Pretty sweet. So, why did I put this in the newsletter? Geesh, I dunno, does everything have a reason? Maybe there's no such thing as destiny. Or fate. Or Google. I just THOUGH you guys might be interested. Does everything I write HAVE TO HAVE A POINT? DOES IT HAVE TO BE FUNNY? http://www.dreambook.com/ Is our still-awesome-ever-since-1998 free guest book service I'm sure you already knew about. And DreamHost customers can even turn that ads non-sense off! Why do we allow that? I guess we're just feeling charitable for the holidays! 4. FREE Hosting For Non-Profits, Forever! Speaking of charitable for the holidays, we've just changed our non- profit discount policy. http://wiki.dreamhost.com/index.php/Non-profit_Discount (Nce segue, Jones! Thanks, Josh! No problem, you rock. No, you do.) We used to give you half off any hosting plan as a non-profit, forever. Well, we decided to change all that. If you're a US-based 501(c)(3) non-
Re: The Talk2 List The Man of the house
sweet! - Original Message - From: Onj [EMAIL PROTECTED] To: talk2 talk2@AndreLouis.COM Sent: Wednesday, December 06, 2006 2:17 AM Subject: The Talk2 List The Man of the house My grandmother never stops amazing me. she's 50 something and quite happy to send me messages like this. And no, it's not spam. The Man of the House The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, You Can Be THE Man Of Your House. He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair? The wife replied, The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess. Did you miss a message? Well, don't. http://www.mail-archive.com/talk2%40andrelouis.com/ has it for you. Never miss a Talk2 message again.
RE: The Talk2 List pulled from gwb's trash
Although a fabrication, I found that to give me a few chuckles this morning. Nice. Steve -Original Message- From: [EMAIL PROTECTED] [mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] On Behalf Of Samuel Proulx Sent: Wednesday, December 06, 2006 8:08 AM To: talk2 Subject: Re: The Talk2 List pulled from gwb's trash Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha okay I'm done This message has three lines, and was quite pointless. TJ Olsen wrote: President Bush will meet this week with Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki to discuss the violence that is spiraling out of control in Iraq. Mr. Bush sent a letter to al-Maliki inviting him to discuss the crisis. Most don’t know that such a letter goes through a proofreader before it is released. The proofreader checks for grammatical, factual and logical errors and returns it to the President. Normally, that document is never seen again, but we managed to get our hands on the first draft of the letter written by President Bush to Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki. Dear Prime Mister (Minister) al-Maliki, First let me congratulate you on your extreme makeover. I noticed you trimmed your moustache, lost some weight and shaved your hairline back a bit. Even those judges you’re always yelling at will have to admit you look handsome. (I’m not gay by the way.) (Prime Minister al-Maliki has not undergone an “extreme makeover.” You are confusing him with Saddam Hussein, whom you removed from power. As a side note here, no one would purposely shave his hairline back. Also, I don’t think you will have to worry that the Prime Minister will think you’re coming on to him simply because you’re complimenting his appearance.) A little bird told me your country is heading towards a civil war. That’s cool. We had one of those too. It’s pretty crazy. If you’re standing north of someone and they’re standing south of you, you have to fight. It’s pretty confusing, but cool. (First, a President should never say that “a little birdie” told him about something crucial to world security. Second, a civil war is much more organized than your understanding. If what you’re describing were true, everyone would be fighting.) There are several things you can do if you want to stop people from punching, kicking, slapping, pinching, blowing up, bow and arrowing (this is no longer a common practice) and shooting each other (just say “if you want to stop the violence”). First, have you checked your laws? Murder and attacking people without a license may be illegal in which case a lot of people could be in a lot of trouble. (Murder is illegal in every country and I am certain that the Prime Minister knows that breaking the law leads to punishment. You’re telling him something that even first graders understand.) Also, have you tried shocking and awing them? Here’s what you do. First you surprise them—the shock—then you disappoint them—the aw. We shocked and awed this one country, it was awesome. First we bombed the crap out of some city and people were all like “Whoa man!” (the shock) and then they were like “Aw man, they messed up all of our buildings!”(the aw). We never had problems with that country since. (First, it’s “awe” not “aw.” Besides, saying the Iraqi people were disappointed with the destruction of their cities would be seen as an insensitive understatement. Second, the country we launched a shock and awe campaign against was Iraq! Reminding the Prime Minister of this will likely infuriate him, since this is the reason his country is in turmoil in the first place.) Hey, remember when we found you in that spider hole? (He’s not Saddam!) Were the spiders friendly to you or were they jerks? I woke up once and there was a spider in my bed and he was a super big jerk. No matter how many times I yelled at him to get out of my bed he wouldn’t. When I finally decided to use deadly force he made a sneaky getaway. Apparently this spider had tied a thin piece of string to my ceiling fan and when I looked up he had already climbed up and was sitting on one of the blades. (This paragraph must be deleted from this letter. However, this is a good time to point out some misconceptions you have about spiders. First, they don’t have the capacity to be “jerks.” They’re just spiders. Second, spiders don’t tie strings around ceiling fans; you witnessed it making a web. I’m going to send the head of the Department of Wildlife to your office tomorrow to explain further.) Anyway, I want to know if you want to get coffee or something to talk about how bad your country is. If it would make you feel more comfortable, we could double up. I could bring the king of Canada and you could bring one of the presidents of one of the bad guy countries. (I’m not gay by the way.) (He’s not going to think you’re gay! However, this is not a date and you don’t need to “double up.” Also, Canada does not have a king and telling
