The Talk2 List Another funny...

2008-07-30 Thread Amy Billman
A man takes his wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits is that of 
breeding bulls.  They come up to the first pen and there is a sign that says,
This Bull mated 50 times last year.  The wife pokes her husband in the ribs 
and says, He mated 50 times last year.
They walked a little further and see another pen with a sign that says, This 
Bull mated 120 times last year.  The wife hits her husband and says, That's
more than twice a week!  You could learn a lot from him.
They walk further and a third pen has a Bull with a sign saying, This Bull 
mated 365 times last year.  The wife gets really excited and says, That's
once a day.  You could REALLY learn something from this one.  The husband 
looks at her and says.Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow.
After nine surgeries and six years of therapy, the husband is now able to talk. 
 It is hoped that someday he will walk again.


You learn to love, not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an 
imperfect person perfectly.
Amy Billman
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The Talk2 List A Funny

2008-07-23 Thread Brandon Hicks


Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
GEORGE W BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to 
know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is 
either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image 
of the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been 
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road I am now against it!
RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by 
unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled 
habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the 
wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hard-working American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was 
getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody 
out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with 
crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this 
can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paidfor by their tax 
dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money 
the government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a 
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price 
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay --- isn't it obvious? Can't you people see 
the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the 
other side. That's what they call it, the other side. Yes, my 
friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will 
become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this 
abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless 
phrases like the other side.

DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed I've not been told
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads 
without having

their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told 
us the chicken

crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the 
chicken tell,
for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a 
serious case
of molting, and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing 
the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road 
reveals

your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2004, which will not only cross roads,but 
will lay
eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. 
Internet Explorer

is an integral part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the 
chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of 
chicken?

AL GORE
I invented the chicken.
THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and He said unto the chicken THOU SHALT 
CROSS THE

ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?


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The Talk2 List A funny.

2008-04-25 Thread Amy Billman
Two little boys are sitting In the living room, watching TV with their 
parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward 
upstairs.
The father Gets the message, and they both get up and head towards the 
stairs.
The mother turns back to the boys and says, We're going upstairs for a 
minute. You two stay here and watch TV, we'll be right back, ok? The two 
boys nod ok, and the parents take off upstairs.
The oldest of the 2 boys is old enough to know what's going on now, and he 
gets up and tiptoes upstairs.
At the top of the stairs, He peeks into his mom and dad's bedroom and shakes 
his head. He goes back downstairs to his little brother. Come with me, He 
says.
The two little boys tiptoe up the stairs.
Halfway up, the older brother turns to his brother and says, Now I want you 
to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to bust our ass for sucking 
our thumb!! 


Amy Billman
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The Talk2 List A funny.

2008-01-12 Thread Amy Billman
Still good.
A jumbo  jet is making its final approach toTampa Airport.
The pilot comes on the  intercom, This is your Captain. We're on our final 
descent into
Tampa.  I want  to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your
Stay in the  Tampa Bay area.

He forgets to switch off the intercom.
Now the whole  plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
The copilot can be  heard saying to the pilot,  So, Skip, whatcha got planned 
while we're in  Tampa?
Well, says the Skipper,  first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take  a big 
crapthen I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out  for
dinner  I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and  give her 
a ride on the baloney pony all night long. 

Aghast and  amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins 
looking up and  down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess
is that the  pilot's talking about.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back  of the plane.
She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward  the cockpit to turn the 
intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she  trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and  says: No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta land the 
plane and take a shit  first.


When I was laying up dreaming, I felt like I could just stay there and dream 
forever. But that's the thing, it's a DREAM! And that's all it was gonna be if 
I kept my eyes closed and laid there. So, I opened my eyes, got up out of bed, 
came back to reality and went out and pursued my dreams. - Alex Butterfield
Amy Billman
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The Talk2 List A funny.

2008-01-08 Thread Amy Billman
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.  Both were Faithful and 
loving wives,however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the wine coolers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the 
cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take
off her panties and use them. Her friend, however was wearing a rather 
expensive pair of panties and did not want to do that. She was lucky enough to 
squat
down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to 
wipe with that
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home. The next day one 
of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent
wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, 
These girl nights have got to stop!  I'm starting to suspect the worst..my wife
came home with no panties!!
That's nothing said the other husband, Mine came to bed with a card stuck to 
her ass that said.
From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.


When I was laying up dreaming, I felt like I could just stay there and dream 
forever. But that's the thing, it's a DREAM! And that's all it was gonna be if 
I kept my eyes closed and laid there. So, I opened my eyes, got up out of bed, 
came back to reality and went out and pursued my dreams. - Alex Butterfield
Amy Billman
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The Talk2 List TOO FUNNY!!!!

2007-10-25 Thread Amy Billman

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the very 
handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies,'I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you'.

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have 
been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about
everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would 
find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that. #1, you have to be 
single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic.'
'Ok' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills the cab driver's fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker 
blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' said the nun. 'Why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess. I'm married and I'm 
Jewish'
The nun says, 'That's ok. My name is Mike and I'm going to a Halloween party.'


Follow your bliss, and the universe will open doors where there were only 
windows.
Joseph Campbell
Amy Billman
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