hahahaha........... (Apologies to those subscribed to segfault.) Jai Jai > New Distro hits shelf: Mothers hide their children > > Straight from the department of Fake News > A new Distribution of linux hit the shelf today, in what may be the first >of many "specialized" distributions. Joe Carnes and Paul Laufer released >"Penguin Linux", or "Penix" for short. When this reporter went to visit >them in their upscale dorm room/expanded coffin at Cal Poly Pomona, one >can't help but notice the stacks upon stacks of empty, flattened OS/2 >WarpR3 Boxes. "We needed cheap cardboard to ship these in." Laufer >explains. Among the litter of two-liter JoltX2 Cola bottles and large day >old pizzas, we found a seat, a comb, and a shrink-wrapped copy of Slackware >1.0 (Carnes insists that the grease from the pizzas will preserve it). I >found a comfortable seat on a 14 ich, 300 pound instruction book for vi, >while my interviewees, both Computer Engineers, fashioned seats for >themselves on the spot, using empty pizza boxes and empty Jolt cola >bottles. "What is the focus of this particular distribution?" I asked. >"Well, as with every other distribution, we stuck true to one of the >founding principles of linux: Size matters.", stated Joe Carnes, speaking >from his Pizza Hut Hammock. "Size of the Kernel, Size of the overall >disribution, memory usage, and processor time." chimed in Laufer, speaking >from his Dominos Bean Bag chair. "But mostly, we wanted to focus on >internal security" Said Carnes, "We feel that not enough people are using >protection when operating linux." "So, we've taken the initiative on this >distro. Root access is only available through a secure shell, and the >password is hidden, except for a little black-on-black sqaure that has it >written backwards and in sanskrit." "That's just one of the many features >we offer. Obviously, we haven't time to list ALL the security features, >but, just as an example, we've clocked Kevin Mitnick breaking in in just >over 5 minutes. We estimate that any normal cracker would have to spend at >least three or four hours in order to crack the security we have in place >here." They then offered me a copy, which I eagerly accepted, and bid them >a good day. I ran home, and slapped it into my laptop computer, eager to >see just what made this distribution so safe. The first difference was >immediately apparent: the fsck command came notably changed. Well, maybe >changed isn't the right word for it. Renamed, perhaps. So, after >I...er...f*ck 'ed my drive, I proceeded with the installation as normal. X >windows, Enlightenment, pppd, pine, everything clicked into place like a >normal install. I was about to discount it as a normal distro, but >something caught my eye: After installing pine, I noticed that I was >subscribed to alt.sex.* in the newsgroups. Also, when Netscape installed, >I had bookmarks for all the major porn sites. Thinking that this was all a >gag, I contacted the makers for an explanation. Laufer explained: "It's a >quirk we are trying to figure out. We have cleaned it out multiple times, >but it seems that as soon as the label for penix goes on the CD, those >things just appear." "We are currently coding a program called GNU/Bobbit >that will eliminate that. It should be in Alpha next month. In the >meantime, they are non-problem causing quirks, you should be able to work >around them for the time being. If not, simply use the server-side PINE >system, and you should be alright." So I hung up, and decided to venture in >a different direction: I started to explore what came on the X windows. >Being a Solitaire freak, I was pleased to find an X version of the game. I >started playing, and after about 3 hours, my computer started to rumble >pretty massively. Fearing that I had a disk crash of some kind, I shut >down my Solitaire game and began running some diagnostics. Before I had a >chance to do much else, my laptop start to shake and stretched itself into >a full tower right before my very eyes. Another call to Penix got me an >immediate answer: "Yes, we have noticed that behaviour before, and are >currently working on a solution. Excessive use of the mouse, or rubbing of >the screen causes the computer to expand. Just be glad you didn't start >with a server. That poor guy had a 3270 mainframe before he knew what hit >him." I decided I needed a drink. This whole thing was getting too weird >for me. So, I poured myself a can of (what else?) chilled Guinness. After >about 5 cans, I wasn't feeling to bad about this whole thing, and ready to >give it another good (If not totally cohesive) try. Well, I must have been >a bit more tipsy than I though, because I spilled a bunch of it on my brand >new full tower. The effect was instantaneous. It immediately shrank back >down to its original laptop size. Much relieved, i started to experiment. >It would seem that after it has grown after rubbing, the addition of >anything cold will bring it back down to its original size. I emailed >Penix support about this, and they sent me back an email thanking me for a >solution, and inviting me to participate in their "Penix logo competition". > I declined. But they did send me some of what they have been recieving. >Linux was right when he explained the pengiun logo as such: "Now, with >penguins, (cuddly such), 'contented' means it has either just gotten laid, >or it's stuffed on herring. Take it from me, I'm an expert on penguins, >those are really the only two options." So it can now be stated as such: >Linux: The OS that asks, "Hey Baby, what's yo' sign?" > <> > > ID: 36ffd1e8-00948d60 > > This e-mail is generated by the Segfault.org Story Mailer, Version 0.9.9. >Written by Scott James Remnant. > --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Send administrative requests to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
