I am a keen watcher of the Pakistani press and I came across a real literary keeper in a mainstream paper . The Daily Times has firmly grasped the "middle ground" in opinions, as opposed to the extremes that one finds in other media.
A letter to the editor follows the article http://www.dailytimes.com.pk/default.asp?page=2008/03/02/story_2-3-2008_pg3_6 Drat! — Ejaz Haider Difficult it is to reconcile with the feeling that there mayn’t be any sphere of life or national activity where we can excel, or at which having excelled, maintain our supremacy. Consider. We reigned supreme in field hockey. Teams played us not to win but hoping to lose gracefully. Today, as KH would put it in his inimitable style, even Charlie’s aunt can kick our ass. The world of squash, our bailiwick for over three decades, is lost to us. Cricket, the sport in which we have invested so much, lies unravelled. What is wrong with us? We always under-perform, regardless of whether the action is good or bad. We were supposed to be the most dangerous place in the world. And what do we do? We hold elections, elect mainstream parties, defeat religious groups and in doing all this completely disappoint the world. The world will now have to find another candidate. What a shame. This is enough to be sad about. But I am devastated since Friday evening. Just when I thought that we were the best and the most committed nation to crotch-scratching, an exercise to which the shalwar lends itself beautifully, news comes that the Italians have been at it to the point where “the phrase ‘io mi tocco i...’, or ‘I touch my...’, is still used in much the same way as ‘touch wood’ is in English”. Drat! But I should have known better. One theory on the similarity between ‘testes’, ‘test’, ‘testify’ and ‘testimony’ says the Romans, when testifying before a court, always put their right hands on the crotch. Now of course things are changing and courts do not like men going around testifying in public. The Italian court of cessation, the highest court of appeal in that country, has ruled that it is a criminal offence for a man to scratch, adjust or even manipulate himself in public, thank you. The Guardian, the paper muesli-eating liberals love to read, attributes this to Italian folklore according to which, “a swift grasp of one’s generative organs – known by Italians as their ‘attributi’ – protects against bad luck”. When the going gets tough, the hand gets going. Which is just as well because in times of crisis and utter faarigh-ul baali one can’t think of anything better to do than scratch one’s crotch. Punjabi has a special expression for attending to one’s ‘attributi’. It’s called t***** khurkana and figuratively means being idle. Idleness also has a sinister link with unemployment as the jobless in the Q League, which governed this country for five years, will tell you. When they are not cursing Mr Shaukat Aziz, they are scratching their crotches and sometimes doing both. Actually, there was at least one minister in the previous government who began practising it while on the job. He was on a tv programme and after squirming for a while decided the camera could go to hell. With the obvious itch of one in need of a good scratch, and the target area placed as it is, he raised one leg and dived for it. In raising the leg thus, the minister also raised the status of the act. It was, in all fairness, the highlight of the show. Anyway, the point was that even in diving crotchwards we have been out-dived by the Italians. Our only hope now lies in the court verdict which is likely to discourage this activity to a point where healthy Italian men will be forced to attend to their generative organs in private. And that is about as genuine as non-alcoholic drinks. The court of appeal is reported to have said in its ruling that a hand-to-crotch approach “has to be regarded as an act contrary to public decency, a concept... requiring everyone to abstain from conduct potentially offensive to collectively-held feelings of decorum”. I hope that this will, over time, make Italian men squeamish enough for Italy to fall behind us in publicly executing an act whose satisfaction can only be testified to by those who possess what it takes to testify. I am also confident of this because the Italian court’s verdict is likely to sync with the rise, post-election, of groin-scratching in this country. One reason I am so taken in by democracy is because it is a great leveller. The average Nathu in this country has always been wedded to his crotch in many ways, scratching and fondling it whenever the itch arises or the Muse comes calling which is most of the time during waking hours. With the former ministers doing the same, elections have definitely thrown up a more egalitarian society. Postscript: By the way, if anyone finds the mention of this national pastime offensive, counting out the feminazis, he may want to take a look at Farhangay Aasfiya or find a pre-partition unexpurgated edition of Feroz-ul Lughaat. This may not be taksaali but with the dawn of democracy it’s about time we brought the kharri boli into the mainstream. That’s the combination that made English what it is and Shakespeare what he is. In any case, democracy is all about the awam. So help us God! Ejaz Haider is Consulting Editor of The Friday Times and Op-Ed Editor of Daily Times. He can be reached at [EMAIL PROTECTED] Reaction: Ball games! Sir: I have just read Ejaz Haider’s discourse on the ticklish subject of crotch-scratching. (“Drat!” Daily Times, March 2) I am afraid he is misled in comparing our male national pastime with the Italian variety. While the Italian scratching is associated with good luck and possibly itchiness, in Pakistan it is more of a game without any superstitions attached to it. The simple rule here is to constantly keep re-arranging one’s “attributi” in ever more inventive positions. Like any ball game, it is important to have concentration and determination in order to excel. Indeed, Mr Haider has correctly identified our erstwhile law minister as an accomplished exponent of the game and frankly I cannot see any Italian able to match or challenge the minister’s prowess. His ability to keep the ball in play even in the most testing circumstances is a treat to watch. Finally, may I commend your readers to the seminal work on this subject, The Unequal Couple by the Chinese author Won Hung Lo. MIAN HAROUN RASHID Baghbanpura
