If you liked that, you owe it to yourself to read Molly Ivins. Here are a few choice quotes:
“As they say around the Texas Legislature, if you can't drink their whiskey, screw their women, take their money, and vote against 'em anyway, you don't belong in office.” ― Molly Ivins <http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/98880.Molly_Ivins> “I am not anti-gun. I'm pro-knife. Consider the merits of the knife. In the first place, you have to catch up with someone in order to stab him. A general substitution of knives for guns would promote physical fitness. We'd turn into a whole nation of great runners. Plus, knives don't ricochet. And people are seldom killed while cleaning their knives.” ― Molly Ivins <http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/98880.Molly_Ivins> “There are two kinds of humor. One kind that makes us chuckle about our foibles and our shared humanity -- like what Garrison Keillor does. The other kind holds people up to public contempt and ridicule -- that's what I do. Satire is traditionally the weapon of the powerless against the powerful. I only aim at the powerful. When satire is aimed at the powerless, it is not only cruel -- it's vulgar. ” ― Molly Ivins <http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/98880.Molly_Ivins> On Thu, May 7, 2015 at 1:46 PM, Udhay Shankar N <[email protected]> wrote: > Because a truly incandescent rant is a thing of beauty. I wish someone > would write like this about the many, many idiot politicians we have in > India. > > Udhay > > http://m.dailykos.com/stories/1382733 > > Meet the Jade Helm conspiracy theory: The federal government's plot to > invade Texas > May 06, 2015 8:10am PDT by Hunter > > > The supposed Jade Helm 15 conspiracy may be the single stupidest thing to > come out of Texas in 20 years, and for a state that has reliably given us > such treasures as Louie Gohmert, Steve Stockman, Ted Cruz, Rick Perry, and > George W. Bush himself that is saying something. > > It may not even be possible to adequately convey how stupid this story is. > There may not be words in the English language—there may in fact be no > words in any language, simply because no civilization has yet existed that > ever needed to convey a stupidity as deep or as empty-headed as would apply > here. It is a stupidity so stupid that we may be able to use it as future > measure of the viability of nation-states; if a majority of any definable > population is stupid enough to believe this thing, it is evidence that that > population has lost the intellectual ability to maintain a government. > > Texas Governor Greg Abbott has ordered members of the Texas Military to > monitor federal troops in an upcoming two-month training exercise planned > for the Lone Star State. > > Let us explain. Below the fold we go, not because we want to but because we > have to. > > Let us explain. Jade Helm 15 is the latest in a very long series of > whimsically titled training exercises conducted by the U.S. military in > order to maintain troop readiness, test combat strategies, and otherwise > work out the kinks in America's reliably top-notch ability to blow the holy > hell out of any nation on Earth with a single presidential phone call. This > particular one will be a two-month-long affair meant to simulate special > operations in a the brutally harsh environment of a third-world desert > hellhole—hence the choice of Texas—and will feature some of the nation's > most skilled special operations experts, including the Rangers, the Green > Berets, and the Navy SEALs. Like all similar operations, it is likely to > funnel serious cash into local coffers, but otherwise is not likely to have > any noticeable impact on state residents aside from the inconvenience of > having to pass lines of camo-painted Humvees on local freeways as troops > make their way to and from the training grounds. > > None of this would merit more than a few stories in the local papers, had > not some of America's singularly stupidest patriots(TM) decided that it was > all a cunning ruse. Because Obama. And Muslims. And FEMA. > > The announcement follows weeks of growing public outcry over the training > event. Super right-wing news websites first circulated an Army document > describing the planned exercise in March, and since then a broad theory of > military plans to subdue Texans and institute martial law has emerged. > Indeed. There are internet websites devoted to claiming everything from > childhood vaccinations to Burrito Night at your local community center are > in preparation for instituting martial law. We call the purveyors of those > sites lunatics and morons, and we generally try to avoid paying attention > to them. Town meetings do admittedly tend to attract these people, because > lunatics and morons tend to have considerably more free time on their hands > than you or I, but yelling your internet-sourced, deeply stupid, > in-all-probablilty-drug-fueled theory into a microphone does not make it > more intelligent. It just makes it louder. > > At this point, newly ensconced Texas Gov. Greg Abbott could have done one > of two things. He could ignore the raving morons who were claiming that the > U.S. military was coming to Texas (land of many, many military bases, and > you'll shutter even one of those money gushers over every last Texas > politician's dead body) to impose martial law and ship off overly patriotic > Texans into FEMA camps, possibly via local Walmarts, while ISIS and the > Green Berets wage full-scale warfare in the state (because ISIS has a > secret military base near the Texas-Mexico border, which is the sort of > thing the "mainstream" press won't tell you but your average World Meth > Daily Online is all over), and apparently the Green Berets and the Navy > SEALs intentionally lose to ISIS because Obama, or something, hence the > need to have first rounded up the true patriots, all of whom will be > rousted from their homes just as they are sitting down in the evening to a > cool glass of eggshell white semi-gloss house paint. > > Or Abbott could say to himself hmm, this collection of obvious > paint-drinkers and doorknob-lickers has a point, and he could summon up the > state's own military forces, because that too is a thing, to monitor > whether or not the United States military starts rounding up patriots or > digging tunnels under Walmart just as the paint drinkers had prophesied. > > And we wouldn't be here if he chose the non-stupid thing, now would we? > > In a letter to Major General Gerald Betty of the Texas State Guard, Abbott > said his order was "to address concerns of Texas citizens." > "During the training operation, it is important that Texans know their > safety, constitutional rights, private property right and civil liberties > will not be infringed," the governor wrote. "I am directing the Texas State > Guard to monitor Operation Jade Helm 15." > > If even that were the end of it, it still could have skated by with being > among the stupidest things a Texas governor has ever done, but not the > stupidest story anywhere in America for a full generation. But that wasn't > the end of it. Seemingly emboldened by the new Texas governor's willingness > to either pander to crackpots or willingly lift that same can of > discount-brand house paint to his own lips, multiple Republicans fell over > themselves to express their own concern that maybe the U.S. Army was going > to mount an operation to overthrow Texas. Presidential candidate Rand Paul, > who believes the government cannot possibly do anything right, nonetheless > promised to look into it. Presidential candidate Ted Cruz, who was well in > the running for the dumbest bag of skin and cookie dough in all of politics > even before any of this came up, promised he'd get to the bottom of things. > > "My office has reached out to the Pentagon to inquire about this exercise," > Cruz, a Texas senator, told Bloomberg at the South Carolina Republican > Party's annual convention. "We are assured it is a military training > exercise. I have no reason to doubt those assurances, but I understand the > reason for concern and uncertainty, because when the federal government has > not demonstrated itself to be trustworthy in this administration, the > natural consequence is that many citizens don't trust what it is saying." > > And still the "concerns" grew, and were embellished. Chuck Norris, whose > career of late has been so devoid of accomplishment that he is still > referred to as the guy from Walker, Texas Ranger, jumped aboard to add his > own Scrappy Doo thoughts to the mix. > > "The U.S. government says, 'It’s just a training exercise.' But I’m not > sure the term 'just' has any reference to reality when the government uses > it," Norris wrote in his column. "Whatever Jade Helm 15 actually is, I > think it is more than coincidental that the FBI director just confessed in > February that the presence of ISIS can be felt in all 50 states of the U.S. > and that the Pentagon is suddenly running its biggest military training > exercise with every branch of the military across seven Southwestern > states." > > It is conspicuous, isn't it? And note that all of this is happening during > two months that will each feature a new moon—truly, we are through the > looking glass. > > Faced at this point with a theory that had been elevated from obscure > puddles in a few isolated fever swamps into a governor's office and even > onto the Republican campaign trail, the Pentagon was forced to reassure > Americans that no, the Green Berets were not coming to abduct your > fencepost-stupid Texan uncle and take away his Don't Tread on Me flags. > > “Operation Jade Helm poses no threat to any American’s civil liberties,” > Army Col. Steve Warren, a Pentagon spokesman, said Monday. “Operation Jade > Helm is being conducted by Americans – by, specifically, American special > forces personnel.” > And an always-patriotic Walmart vigorously denied that—no wait, we have to > get the flavor of this exactly right: > Wal-Mart issued a statement Monday to TPM dismissing "rumors" that tunnels > were being built by the U.S. military beneath closed stores in an attempt > to launch a takeover of Texas. > > "There’s no truth to the rumors," Wal-Mart spokesperson Lorenzo Lopez told > TPM via email. > > You can file that under things Walmart spokesperson Lorenzo Lopez never, > ever thought he would be forced to say. There is no word on Mr. Lorenzo > Lopez's condition now, but we all wish him a speedy recovery and would like > to remind him that there are support groups out there that can help. > This is not to say that there hasn't been pushback. You cannot offer up the > stupidest theory of your generation and expect no blowback, no matter how > flag-waving you might be or what office the voters of your mentally > decaying state have voted you into. > > Former Texas Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst tried to put it in perspective for > outsiders when he explained, "Unfortunately, some Texans have projected > their legitimate concerns about the competence and trustworthiness of > President Barack Obama on these noble warriors. This must stop." > Another former Republican politician was a bit more pointed. > > "Your letter pandering to idiots ... has left me livid," former state Rep. > Todd Smith wrote Abbott. "I am horrified that I have to choose between the > possibility that my Governor actually believes this stuff and the > possibility that my Governor doesn't have the backbone to stand up to those > who do." > > You call it horror, Mr. Smith. For those of us tasked with watching these > people on a daily basis, we call it a weekday. And bonus points for the > not-at-all genteel re-asking of that eternal question, when dealing with > staunchly conservative officeholders: Stupid, or just Evil? It may be, in > the end, unanswerable. Greg Abbott's mind may be the sound of one hand > clapping. > Even Another Presidential Candidate Rick Perry, former governor of the > state and man whose reputation as dimwit became so universal that he was > forced to don professorial eyewear in an attempt to look like he had gone > off and learn'd something, was humiliated by Abbott's implicit presumption > that our American troops, the ones we all promised to Support(TM) on > now-faded bumperstickers and imported Chinese-made magnets, were > untrustworthy and worthy of keeping an eye on. > > “It’s OK to question your government. I do it on a regular basis. But the > military is something else,” Perry, a potential 2016 contender, told the > Dallas Morning News on Tuesday. > > “Our military is quite trustworthy. The civilian leadership, you can always > question that, but not the men and women in uniform,” he added. > > There's the rub, of course. Top Republicans will eagerly give the > wink-and-nod to theories that posit the current president of the United > States to be a secret Muslim or secret Kenyan or just secretly black as > blackity black-black but this conspiracy theory revolves around the > American military doing wrong, and criticizing the American military is > right-the-hell-out. You do not do that, if you are a Republican on the > campaign trail. You do not do that if you are a Republican and wish to ever > campaign for anything ever again. Abbott's error, and one shared most > conspicuously by Ted Cruz, is forgetting the essential pretended-at > difference between those conservative thoughts you can confess to and > embracing the thoughts of an even farther-right contingent that is > distinctly and proudly un-American. > > It's not an easy line to walk, given that being un-American is considered a > pretty fine thing to be in certain conservative circles these days. Gov. > Rick Perry teased audiences with the thought of his state seceding from the > union rather than follow American laws that he might not personally be keen > on. Gov. Greg Abbott sent off a letter asking state forces to "monitor" > whether troops from that union were doing anything while traveling through > his state that might be construed as occupation. You can do both these > things while waving an American flag and carrying a pocket Constitution, > because patriots these days are pretty sure the nation they love and the > troops they support are all just one Walmart tunnel away from burrowing > into their basement, capturing them, and spiriting them away so that ISIS > can invade unimpeded. Being a Patriot comes with the requirement, in > certain circles, to be the stupidest person you yourself know or have ever > met. You are not a true "Patriot" unless you see secret plots behind even > the smallest shrubs, and can offer proof for each merely by reading the > expiration dates off the cans in your kitchen cupboards and piecing > together the narrative from there. So yes, that's right: Far-right > patriotism now consists not of Supporting the Troops(TM), but of suspecting > those troops are coming to enslave you. Because you, you little flag-waving > gun-toting coal-rolling beer-bellied guttersnipe, are the only thing > standing between the great forces of the United States military, all > branches, and their secret goal of turning over Texas to th' Muslims. > > So no, there are no words to properly convey just how bone-rattlingly > stupid the theory that 'Merican forces are coming to take the 'Merican > state of Texas away from 'Mericans and give it back to 'Merica because > Walmart, Mexico, Obama, ISIS, and 'Merica. It cannot be done. There is no > explanation for Texas Gov. Greg Abbott ordering his own "military" leaders > to keep tabs on the troops—because some collection of desert-dwelling > shitstains got it into their heads that Navy Walmart Mexico Obama ISIS > martial law—that does not revolve around the unanswerable question of > whether Abbott is so willing to pander to the paint-drinking fringe that he > is willing to insult every last troop, or whether he furrowed his brow, a > move that only narrowly avoided popping the top of his empty skull clean > off and sending it rolling across his office like a runaway china saucer, > and deemed that yes, this is just reasonable enough a concern to deserve a > good honest looking-into. There is no way to do it. A handful of the > stupidest people in America and Their Favorite Governor, and their Favorite > Senator besides, have managed to elevate just another one of the thousands > of stupidest fucking things on the internet into the stuff of executive > action and national news reports, and not one of those patriots appears to > have done the right thing and swallowed cyanide tablets rather than > foisting themselves and the stupidest thing anyone ever thought onto the > rest of us. > > Good show. No, really. I mean it when I say that we have now have a good > clue as to what the event horizon would look like, if a nation-state or > some ragged part thereof became so collectively, irredeemably stupid that > it could no longer form a coherent government and instead collapsed in on > itself in an armed-to-the-teeth orgy of masturbatory terror and > theory-having. It is the only logical endpoint to elected state officials > passing laws demanding that climate change not exist, or gritty-haired > yokels holding political summits to demand America teach the controversy > about whether God does or does not want you to believe in dinosaurs. It is > the culmination of all the other stupid theories collecting themselves and > achieving, via constant enablement by profoundly stupid or cowardly > politicians not willing to dismiss even the most lunatic premise if > dismissing it would lose the votes of stupid people, a sort of shambling > stupidity-enabled sentience of its own. It is a stupidity high water mark, > a stupidity tsunami—and just plain the stupidest thing the rest of us have > ever been exposed to. Whatever you were aiming for, you top-notch sleuths > of secret military planning, you have surpassed it. Surpassed means—never > mind, you will have to look it up. > > The Jade Helm 15 conspiracy theory, as embraced by Texas Gov. Greg Abbott > and Texas Actual Senator Ted Cruz, is the one stupid theory to bind them > all. It is stupidity elevated to such a sublime form that we all pray the > Green Berets really do take over Texas one tunnel-having Walmart at a time, > just because the rest of us don't think you people should be allowed to > keep going out in public anymore. > > ©2015 Kos Media > > -- > > ((Udhay Shankar N)) ((udhay @ pobox.com)) ((www.digeratus.com)) >
