| Learn To Say
"POB"!
Three businessmen got into an elevator in New York City. Two of them began to discuss a topic in Japanese. "Hey, hey, hey!" interrupted the third man. "Don't forget where you are. This is America, buddy. Speak Spanish." The above is only a joke, but it is true that after two weeks in Eastern Europe on a business trip, the first words I heard from the American ground crew at Dulles International in Washington, D.C., were in Spanish. I don't get uptight about languages the way some folks do. I only speak one - Southern. I've found that Southern will take you just about anywhere you wish to go, provided you have fingers with which to point and lips with which to smile or frown, as might be appropriate. In case you do get lost, you should also learn to look puzzled. I know there are bigots, like the fellow who says, "Hey, guys, dis country is America, and da official lingo is Brooklyn." And I agree. The official language of the U.S. government, that language with which it communicates with its citizens, should be one of our English dialects. Whether the bureaucrat wishes to say "Youse guys" or "You all" or "Hey, dude" is not important. Government tax forms are difficult enough to understand in what passes for English in Washington without trying to figure out what they might be saying in Polish or Mandarin Chinese. But the advice we ought to give to all our new citizens from overseas is: "Don't forget, it's an American custom never to communicate with the government except as a last resort. So learn just enough English to talk to the government when you have no choice, and speak otherwise in whatever language you choose." We should all remember how lucky we are that Thomas Edison didn't have to fill out government forms to get permission to invent the electric light bulb. If he had, we'd still be filling out forms by candlelight or whale-oil lamps. Personally, I think communication is oversold and overblown in this country anyway. Computerization was supposed to have created the paperless office. What a joke that turned out to be. Copiers and printers have gotten bigger and easier to use, so thousands of people who have no interest in or reason to be interested in some document get copies of it anyway. Besides, nearly all computer software comes with one disk and one manual the size of a big-city telephone book. Don't forget that the American divorce rate shot up terribly when women got the crazy notion that men were suppose to communicate their "feelings." My ex-wife was always nagging me to tell her what my true feelings were. "I do that all the time," I used to argue (vainly). "How many times have I told you that I hate brussels sprouts?" So if you're interested in communicating with me, you'll have to try pen and paper. Or owl, pigeon or smoke. I and the Internet have filed for divorce on the grounds that our differences are irreconcilable. One of the advantages of surviving a few decades is the realization that a lot of what is annoying, irritating and more trouble than it's worth is also unnecessary, and you don't have to put up with it. If you're addicted to jargon, try this: Instead of writing "Charles E. Reese," write "CER." That's pronounced "sir" or "cur," depending on whether you favor the soft or hard "C." Instead of "Post Office Box," just write "POB 2446, Orlando, FL (pronounced "pob" as in "cob," and "fluh") 32802." That's just as easy as remembering something like [EMAIL PROTECTED] | ||
|
© 2002 by King Features Syndicate, Inc. |
Title: Message
http://reese.king-online.com/Reese_20020715/index.php
