Microsoft Purchases Evil From Satan
Redmond, WA - Microsoft in a recent all cash deal has purchased evil
from Satan for $2.7 billion. "We've been after Satan for some time,"
said CEO Steve Ballmer. "Negotiations were tough but I think both
Microsoft and the Prince of Darkness are happy with this deal."
Before the purchase, Microsoft already had 15% of the evil market, now
that number is closer to 100%. The Department of Justice has voiced
concerns over one corporation controlling so much evil, and has begun
investigations into the deal.
"We feel that there are real opportunities with evil, and that when
evil is integrated it into our next generation of Windows products
consumers will appreciate evil on their desktop," said Microsoft
Chairman Bill Gates. "Businesses haven't been able to fully realize
their evil potential. With evil integrated into Office 2001,
corporations big and small will begin to see enhanced evil
productivity."
"Evil is a real growing market," market strategist Frank Dresgan of
Merrill Lynch said today. "Microsoft is a little late in the game, but
even when they enter a market late they still tend to dominate. I
think we'll see the same with evil."
"I've been dealing with Microsoft for some time," Lucifer
said. "I've been at this evil thing for millions of years, and wanted
a way out. I considered an IPO, but then Steve-O and Billy came along
and told me about their "Evil Everywhere" plan and that was an offer I
couldn't refuse."
Evil was founded by Satan close to the beginning of time. It has been
growing steadily ever since, although most of the growth has come in
the past five years with the development of the internet. Satan plans
to retire to a small island in the Bahamas and write a column for the
local newpaper.
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