Aries (March 21 - April 19)
A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark,
chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it's hairy legs together in a
chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before
you, and will squish it without a second thought.
Taurus (April 20 -
May 20)
You need to work harder on your friendships. Why,
you sometimes don't even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself
this week - buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting
yourself of having an ulterior motive!
Gemini (May 21 -
June 20)
Excellent day to study entomology -- particularly
the order hymenoptera. Be
prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs.
Cancer (June 21 -
July 22)
You would be ill-advised to try to shoot kidney
beans out your nose, today. (Yes, I know you were thinking of it.)
Leo (July 23 -
August 22)
Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch
someone underlining words in a library book. It's just one of those signs,
you know? Before the Apocalypse.
Virgo (August 23 -
September 22)
Today you will develop a type of rubber overshoe
that looks like dinosaur's feet. They will become wildly popular, after your
appearance on the Letterman show.
Libra (September 22
- October 22)
Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you,
today. It's just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you
that you are furniture.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will combine a therapeutic technique based on
rapid eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks so silly, passers by will actually fall
over laughing.
Sagittarius (November
22 - December 21)
Bad hair day today. In fact, it's quite likely that
your hair will actually be arrested.
Capricorn (December
22 - January 20)
Dispite having a brilliant mind and a lot of
terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with
financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however,
making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother's recipe, and will become
rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.
Aquarius (January 21
- February 18)
You will find that if you deliberately mispronounce
"sir" as "sair", you can answer a lot of questions with
either "yes air" or "nose hair."
Pisces (February 19
- March 20)
What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you
will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself!
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