CIA
Monitors Saddam’s Away Message
by:
Daniel Riehs WASHINGTON, DC—CIA spokesperson Luke
Mayorson announced Wednesday that the CIA has been monitoring Saddam
Hussein’s away message and buddy profile for the last seven months. “We’re starting to get a good
picture of his daily routine,” said Mayorson. “Saddam usually gets
up around eleven and goes to his political science and philosophy classes.
Sometimes he eats lunch with Jimmy, but we believe he prefers to lunch with Susie
and Frank.”
Mayorson then went on to explain that while
Saddam hates writing papers, he really likes taking naps. “This guy
really likes to sleep, but it seems like he usually stays up till about 3
o’clock in the morning,” Mayorson said at a recent press
conference. “What’s even stranger is that Saddam frequently wakes
up to complete assignments between the hours of 5 and 8 AM. Come to think of
it, I’m not even sure why he bothers to sign onto Instant Messenger
during these work periods. It’s not as if an away message that says
‘Do not disturb’ will prevent people from knocking on his
door.” Information gathered from Saddam’s away
messages will most likely be used to plan an assassination attempt on the Iraqi
dictator. Since Saddam’s weekend away message frequently just reads
“out and about” it is expected that President Bush will schedule
the assassination attempt for a weekday. Critics claim that away messages can be
unreliable and misleading. They cite the 1999 incident when Sally was really
just washing her hair instead of “Shopping for clothes at the
mall;” and more recently, Osama Bin Ladin’s away message that read
“Not planning terrorist actions against the United States.” Mayorson responded with the following
statement. “I have faith in our program. . . .
I’m just a little confused as to why Saddam’s been in the shower
for seven hours.” Charles Mims |
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