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Charles Mims's Personal Humorscope
for Saturday, October 4, 2003
"The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to
be when you kill them." -- William Clayton |
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
A huge spacecraft will hover over your dwelling structure
today, and secretly analyze you down to the last parasitic microbe in
your epidermal layers. They will be on the point of making contact
with humans, and offering us technology to cure all illness, let us
live indefinately while looking like healthy 20-year-olds, and give us
the ability to travel interstellar distances in an eyeblink...when
they spot you making something with SPAM. After a bit of horrified
bleeping at each other, they will zoom off, never to return.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will be plagued by theological doubts today, and will
flirt with the idea of changing your religion. Subconsciously, this is
because you're envious of the really cool hats some of the people in
other religions get to wear.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will
spontaneously combust, today, and you'll become an instant celebrity
when you put him out with a Slurpee (tm). Eventually, they'll make a
prime-time TV drama about the incident.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Your relatives may try to have you committed, today.
Luckily, through a series of amusing misadventures, they will fail.
You and your large invisible friend will simply shrug it off, of
course, since it's not in your disposition to hold a grudge.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will need two torches, a sword, leather armor, and a
significant amount of courage today. And for heaven's sake, don't
forget the twine.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing.
Unlike the average person, however, you will be "strictly bass." One
must have standards, after all.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will find a many-legged creature under the fridge.
Unfortunately, it will be the size of a small horse, and actually will
be making off with the fridge, when you spot it. My advice? Let him
have it.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Family problems again. It'll be just like that Rolling
Stones song, about how you "Can't Always Get What You Wa-ant", except
that in your case, you can replace one of the words with "Ever." Try
being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don't speak
English.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The
police will do nothing.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Your neighbors will have a wild party, which you'll catch
glimpses of through the open window. You'll know you shouldn't watch,
but it's just hard to imagine how people can do that,
especially on a trampoline.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Beware of short people.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making
something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you'll
need a lot of twine.
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