Title: The Daily Humorscope
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Charles Mims's Personal Humorscope
for Monday, October 6, 2003
Indecision is the key to flexibility. |
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will find that if you deliberately mispronounce "sir"
as "sair", you can answer a lot of questions with either "yes air" or
"nose hair."
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Excellent day for standing barefoot on the lawn and
wiggling your toes. Under no circumstance should you stand
barefoot on the lawn and wiggle your nose. It simply isn't done.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Someone you don't like will make repeated attempts to talk
to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely
crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble
"What?" while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will dredge something up from the collective
unconscious, but after a moment's reflection, you will toss it back.
Also, you will make an embarrassing sound in mixed company.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Everyone you work with will start spending a lot of time
balancing things on their nose. This could be bad. You may have a
renegade seal trainer lurking in your midst!
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Someone you've never met will come up and nudge you today.
You don't have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge
them right back.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Thirteen short bearded men will invade your living
quarters soon, eat all your food, and drag you off on an ill-advised
adventure, much to the amusement of an elderly gentleman of your
acquaintance.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Someone will stop you today, to ask directions. Tell them
to take the second star to the right, and go straight on till morning.
(I personally never ask for directions, since I find it's always much
more effective to find someone who looks like they know where they're
going, and follow them. I also always tell people that my name is
"Svlad." It's something to do.)
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Excellent time to hum popular songs, just slightly off
key. If you do that long enough, the people around you will change in
appearance. You'll be able to see the veins in their neck, for one
thing.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the
uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a
gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and
carry some Immodium.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today you will be seized by inspiration, and shaken like a
rat in the jaws of a terrier. You will wax poetic, assuming that
"poetic" is the name of your car.
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