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Charles Mims's Personal Humorscope
for Saturday, October 11, 2003
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law
and drove into the river." |
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Yogurt day today. Did you know that some "natural
remedies" books recommend squishing yogurt (the kind with active
cultures) in your hair, to relieve dandruff? You should give it a try.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new
government position, such as "Regional Manager, Dept. of The
Posterior", and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck,
it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such
job.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be
successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a
St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody's guess.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Not an especially good day to play with crossbows, guns,
machetes, flame throwers, mortars, heavy artillery, knives, ninja
throwing stars, spears, maces, or nuclear weaponry. At least not all
at once. Why not go out and putter about in the garden?
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you will bolt up from your bed, grinning like a
maniac, and shout "labor omnia vincit!" (the motto of Oklahoma) in
ringing heroic tones. This could be the start of something
interesting...
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever
you fall asleep you'll return to the same nightmare of being
transformed into a chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very
high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way).
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will find happiness. It will look a lot like
tranquility, only a bit fluffier.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Beware of bubonic plague today. Other than that, things
will be fairly normal.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Try to be logical, today. It's your only hope. (Which is
considerably better than it would be if your "only hope" was some old
geezer on the desert planet Falderol and you had to send a robot
shaped like an underarm roller-type deodorant off to find him. But not
as fun.)
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you'll start a new rock group, named "SPAM
Catapult", and kick things off with a really smokin' number combining
the best aspects of reggae, rap, and polka.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today is the 1,750,000-year aniversary of the invention of
hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly
made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman
label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks
together!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today you will use the phrase "hep-cat daddy-o" one too
many times, and your friends will tie you to a chair, and gag you.
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