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Charles Mims's Personal Humorscope
for Tuesday, October 14, 2003
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Samuel Goldwyn |
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Another one of those excrutiatingly boring meetings today.
Try to liven things up by summoning one of the people back from the
dead.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
This is a good time to start becoming a connosieur. You
have to take that one thing at a time, though - e.g. nobody is going
to become a wine connosier overnight. Start with something that's fun
to say. Pumpernickel, for example.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today, by practicing for hours in the mirror, you will
finally be able to keep a "stiff upper lip." Much to everyone's
surprise, it will prove to be an excellent boost to your career.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Bide your time, and don't do anything rash or in anger.
Remember: Revenge is a dish best served cold, with a light bearnaise
sauce.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an
idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever
you like. I'm sure it's quite nice.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl
of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your
sandwich. You never tire of the wild life, do you?
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon,
which you might consider fairly obvious - such as "Blows to the head
are a common cause of brain damage." The best reply to this is "Huh?"
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Excellent day to visit a bookstore. Try to find a book
named "Make Money With Your Own Worm Farm." You don't need to read it,
but it'll be fun to leave around where people will notice it.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and
will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to
parties.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
A hexapod robot will run away from its laboratory today,
change its name to "Bob", and take up residence with you. Eventually,
you'll become best friends.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realise
that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese's
informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time
you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one
another.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Good day to review what you know about hamsters. I think
that's all I should really say, except possibly that it's often
considered impolite to see how much food you can pack into your
cheeks, when dining out.
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