John L. PerryJust because the Supreme Court agreed to review a goofus lower court’s decision banning God from the pledge of allegiance doesn’t mean that’ll settle that.
Wednesday October 15, 2003
Should the Supremes overturn the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals’ ruling that "one nation under God" is unconstitutional, it’s a cinch the lunatic left, which seems to think the Founding Fathers didn’t have opposable thumbs, will find it necessary to declare not only the highest court but also the Constitution unconstitutional.
After all, it’s the same Constitution that the same Supreme Court was guided by in finding the Electoral College still constitutional, thus giving the 2000 presidential election to George W. Bush. Well! As everyone knows, we can’t have that.
There’ll Be No Charge
So, as a public service and in anticipation of the thunderous applause of a grateful nation, what follows below is a pledge tailor-made for American Civil Liberties Union aficionados and allied leftists who can’t stomach allegiance to the flag of the United States of America any more than they can stomach the United States of America.
Children, it’s OK to recite this pledge in school. Don’t you worry your addled little heads. The ACLU political-correctness police won’t arrest you. Why, fanatically busy as they are, they might even find time to join in and pledge along.
You may wish to write down this cool new pledge, kiddos. So stuff your pencil in your fist.
No Strain, No Gain
Now, understand, this has to be in long-hand writing, not block-letter printing. That’s because unaccustomed strenuous effort often aids the memory muscle, an exercise taught in ancient times but long since dumbed down and out of the curricula.
Ready? ... That’s all right, we’ll wait. We all need a little time to discover ourselves.
Ready now? Everybody’s fool’s cap on backwards? Good on you.
Then here it is:
“I pledge allegiance to no flag but that of the United Nations and to the Global Village for which Our Hillary stands, One World, disavowing god, devoid of national sovereignty, with license for all and accountability by none.”
(No, dear, that’s wrong. We don’t spell god with a capital G anymore. That would be anti-diversity discrimination. OK? OK.)
But Wait, There’s More
Now, class, that was the shorty-short version of our new pledge. For the full monty, tack on the following:
“I further pledge to protest, picket, claim victimhood, pierce my body, tie-dye my hair, dress like I fell off the turnip truck, slouch along, do without deodorant, go limp, fall prostrate, kick the heels of my designer sandals on the pavement of the public streets and otherwise make an ass of myself if those who do not conform to my cultural icon’s agenda should dare attempt to express their own principles, especially allegiance to the United States of America, the very nation that makes it possible for me to behave outrageously, even when not hiding in the camouflaged anonymity of a non-profit subsidized 501(c)3 tax-exempt front group, and all without having to get out of bed before noon or hold down a real job.”
There, don’t we all feel ever so much better? Is this a sweet country or what?
Sorry About That
Granted, this full new pledge is a whole, entire paragraph longer than the fuddy-duddy politically incorrect pledge to that obsolete American flag so despised by true washed-out-blue globalists.
And our apologies for all those long words of more than four letters. We feel your pain, for we know how tired your lips become when you attempt to read. But let’s put all that behind us – shall we? – and move on.
Do make an effort, if that’s all right with you, to remember to attempt to commit this neat pledge to memory.
Obligatory Optionality
Then, resolve to recite it – but only if you feel in the mood like doing at the moment, which is all we should ever be expected to do about anything – without getting stressed of course, in or out of your weekly shower.
Otherwise, we’ll drag you, your parents and every last one of Betsy Ross’ non-diverse descendants into the courts, which have long enough backlogs of legitimate cases on their dockets as it is.
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