A little girl and her mother go to church. Halfway
through, the little
girl tells her mother she's going to be sick. Her mother tells her to go
in the bushes behind the church. The girl leaves and comes back after
about five minutes. Her mother asks her if she threw up. "Yes, " the
girl says. "But I didn't have to go all the way 'round the back. There
was a box near the front door that said 'For the Sick."'
- - - - - - - - - -
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging
their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other
knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other
points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."
- - - - - - - - - -
What's grosser than gross?
Two Siamese twins connected at the tongue. What's even grosser than
that?
When one of them throws up.
- - - - - - - - - -
TWO REASONS WHY IT'S REALLY HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records
- - - - - - - - - -
"A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until
they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn't answer
the phone."
- - - - - - - - - -
Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and
Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes
the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Bill
says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." 2 hours
later, he comes back carrying a 6 pack. Charlie says, "Where did you get
that, Bill?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me."
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you the beer."
Bill says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her,
'You must be Steve's widow.'"
She said, "'No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "Wanna bet me a six pack?"
- - - - - - - - - -
I used to hate going to weddings where family was present. Each time
uncles and aunts came to me and slapped me on the shoulder and asked:
"When it's your turn?"
They stopped doing that when I started doing the same with them at
funerals.
- - - - - - - - - -
"Ten Things You Should Never Say To a Woman During an Argument..."
1. Don't you have some laundry to do or something?
2. Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.
3. You're just upset because your butt is beginning to spread.
4. Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?
5. You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?
6. Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.
7. Whoa, time out. Football is on.
8. Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning!
9. Is there any way we can do this via e-mail? AND...
10. Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.
girl tells her mother she's going to be sick. Her mother tells her to go
in the bushes behind the church. The girl leaves and comes back after
about five minutes. Her mother asks her if she threw up. "Yes, " the
girl says. "But I didn't have to go all the way 'round the back. There
was a box near the front door that said 'For the Sick."'
- - - - - - - - - -
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging
their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other
knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other
points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."
- - - - - - - - - -
What's grosser than gross?
Two Siamese twins connected at the tongue. What's even grosser than
that?
When one of them throws up.
- - - - - - - - - -
TWO REASONS WHY IT'S REALLY HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records
- - - - - - - - - -
"A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until
they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn't answer
the phone."
- - - - - - - - - -
Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and
Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes
the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Bill
says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." 2 hours
later, he comes back carrying a 6 pack. Charlie says, "Where did you get
that, Bill?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me."
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you the beer."
Bill says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her,
'You must be Steve's widow.'"
She said, "'No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "Wanna bet me a six pack?"
- - - - - - - - - -
I used to hate going to weddings where family was present. Each time
uncles and aunts came to me and slapped me on the shoulder and asked:
"When it's your turn?"
They stopped doing that when I started doing the same with them at
funerals.
- - - - - - - - - -
"Ten Things You Should Never Say To a Woman During an Argument..."
1. Don't you have some laundry to do or something?
2. Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.
3. You're just upset because your butt is beginning to spread.
4. Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?
5. You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?
6. Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.
7. Whoa, time out. Football is on.
8. Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning!
9. Is there any way we can do this via e-mail? AND...
10. Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.
Charles Mims
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