October 29, 2003
The Top 16 Signs a Radio Talk Show Host Is on Drugs
16> Takes phone calls only if the caller agrees to do a hit of
helium first.
15> Spent the last 15 minutes of yesterday's show clearing
his throat.
14> His response to every caller: "Dave's not here, man."
13> Cannot refer to Eli Lilly without adding the phrase "makers
of some mighty fine sh*t."
12> "Microphones! There are microphones everywhere!!"
11> Every call is screened through a rigorous "Are you a cop?
You sure? You gotta say so or else it's entrapment, man!"
line of questioning.
10> Claims he can do his show "with half my stash hidden under
my bed just to make it fair."
9> While interviewing Barbara Bush, constantly refers to her son
as George Washington and adds how much "you two dudes look
alike."
8> He's talking into an iced-tea spoon.
7> Ted Nugent cuts the interview short and advises the host to
"try decaf."
6> He's on a seven-second delay even when he's OFF the air.
5> Refuses to give out the show's telephone number because
"The Man can trace it, dude!"
4> Takes payola only in the form of Cool Ranch Doritos.
3> Calls for drastic retaliation against Arab states for their
nuking of Arizona and the poisoning of President Palmer.
2> Can't stop giggling long enough to hear what "Dick in Buffalo"
has to say.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Signs a
Radio Talk Show Host Is on Drugs...
1> Begins every news segment with: "First, let's go to my beeper
for a quick look at the traffic."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
==================================================================
"FCC'd Up!" and "Dildoheads"
The Runners Up and Honorable Mention submissions
for today's list come later in this message.
==================================================================
Selected from 109 submissions from 40 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
------------------------------------------------------------------
Brandon Muller, Las Vegas, NV -- 1, 10, 11 (6th #1/Hat trick!)
Larry Hollister, Concord, CA -- 2 (Hall of Famer)
Curtis Matthews, Kennesaw, GA -- 3, 7
Allen Lindsey, Cincinnati, OH -- 4
Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA -- 4 (Hall of Famer)
Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- 5 (Hall of Famer)
Bill Muse, Seattle, WA -- 6, HM name (Hall of Famer)
Pat Sajak, Los Angeles, CA -- 6
Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 8 (Hall of Famer)
Rex Meredith, Palm Springs, CA -- 9
Mark Niebuhr, Minneapolis, MN -- 11, 14
Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY -- 12, 16 (Hall of Famer)
Michael Cunningham, Woodridge, IL -- 13
Danny Gallagher, Austin, TX -- 14
David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO -- 15
Kathy Good, Scottsdale, AZ -- Topic
Jim Griffith, Sunnyvale, CA -- Banner Tag
Kevin Freels, Walnut Creek, CA -- RU list name (Hall of Famer)
Chris White, Los Angeles, CA -- List owner/editor
J.J. Johnson, Indianapolis, IN -- Ambience
Ambience explained: http://www.topfive.com/arcs_am/am102903.shtml
==================================================================
~~~~ The ClubTop5 Too Much Fun Links of the Day! ~~~~
Bad Designs
Everywhere you look, there they are!
http://www.baddesigns.com/examples.html
Thanks to Phillip Garding for the tip.
-=++=-
50 Cent and Lil' Kim Translated
For those of you who don't speak rap.
http://music-critic.com/breakdown/lilkim50cent_magicstick.htm
Thanks to Mary DeSuza for the tip.
-=++=-
Send submissions to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
==================================================================
--==++ Rumination of the Day ++==--
Sometimes, when I'm sure people can only see
the back of my head, I enjoy sneaking in a
quick catnap at work. They never last too
long, though, because invariably someone rings
the bell telling me they want to get off my bus.
(Brad Wilkerson)
Send submissions to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
==================================================================
--==++ TopFive's Comedy Cavalcade ++==--
Today: Current Events
The single pair of underwear David Blaine wore throughout his 44-day stunt
is now for sale on eBay. The successful bidder will most likely be a
resident of New York, as current laws forbid the transportation of certain
hazardous materials across state lines.
(Brad Osberg)
Responding to recent criticism of her too-sexy image, pop diva Britney
Spears said, "My family, we walked around the house naked, we really did. By
the time I was 13, my dad was like, 'Uh, Britney, it's time to start
covering yourself up.' I'm very free like that."
IRS Special Agent Micha Torvue commented, "Well, that explains the $24,000
'upholstery cleaning' expense on last year's return."
(Michael Cunningham)
The conditions of Egyptian twins Ahmed and Mohamed Ibrahim were upgraded
from serious to guarded Sunday as they continued to recover from surgery two
weeks ago to separate them. The news confirms earlier reports that the twins
are now separate but equal.
(J.J. Gertler)
Police in Japan arrested a man for stealing shoes, after which a search of
his home turned up 440 more stolen women's shoes, all for the left foot.
Experts say the man can expect harsh treatment by the legal system since he
has absolutely no rights.
(Andy Krakowski)
Send Current Events submissions to: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
==================================================================
The Runners Up & Honorable Mention submissions
----------------------------------------------
Runners up were almost good enough to make the main list,
but got edged out by other submissions. Honorable mentions
were good enough to still deserve some recognition.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Signs a Radio Talk Show Host Is on Drugs
RUNNERS UP list -- FCC'd Up!
------------------------------------------------------------------
"Hello, I'm Paul 'Captain Trips' Harvey."
(Allen Lindsey, Cincinnati, OH)
"Hi, is the dealer there?"
(Peg Warner, Exeter, NH)
Announces on-air that, from this point forward, he will be more open-minded,
considerate and humble... so long as everyone refers to him henceforth as
Funyun MacPhisto, Slayer of Munchies.
(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)
Asks the callers to please turn *up* their radios because "that feedback is
trippy."
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)
Claims that one more round of tax cuts oughta do it.
(Slick Sharkey, Miami, FL)
Every day, his show is nothing but fake lesbians and fart jokes.
(Yoram Puius, Bronx, NY)
Greets callers with, "Megakilos to you, too!"
(Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA)
Has given the tickets to the "ninth" caller 23 calls in a row.
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)
He always speaks respectfully of someone whose political beliefs differ from
his own.
(Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH)
(Mark Weiss, Austin, TX)
He replies to callers' comments in one of three ways: "Dude?"
"Dude!" and "Duuuuuuuuude...."
(David G. Scott, Kansas City, MO)
He swears that "Al Sharpton is the man to beat" in 2004.
(Amanda Paulette, Chester, VA)
(Mark Niebuhr, Minneapolis, MN)
He vehemently advocates mandatory prison sentences for drug offenders
through his mantra: "Harsh a Mellow, Go to Jail."
(Carl Knorr, Devo City, OH)
Hers is the only national call-in show sponsored exclusively by Twinkies and
Ring Dings.
(Dave Goudsward, Lake Worth, FL)
Keeps trying to get Marlee Matlin as a guest.
(Andrew Thomas, Omaha, NE)
Now includes an hour of telepathic communication during each show.
(Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA)
Refers to Robert Downey, Jr. as "the golden child."
(Rex Meredith, Palm Springs, CA)
Runner Up list name
(Kevin Freels, Walnut Creek, CA)
------------------------------------------------------------------
Signs a Radio Talk Show Host Is on Drugs
HONORABLE MENTION list -- Dildoheads
------------------------------------------------------------------
"And after this short commercial break, I have a hilarious list of funny
hurricane names to read to you."
(Andy Krakowski, Alexandria, VA)
"There's a reason Clinton didn't inhale -- he's a wuss!"
(Danny Gallagher, Austin, TX)
"We'll be right back after a time-warped inner reflection of my soul as it
relates to the cosmos and the atoms in my thumbnail from our sponsor."
(Kevin Freels, Walnut Creek, CA)
After you wait three hours to express your opinion on the Iraq War, he puts
you on the air and tries to order a pizza.
(Chris Urich, Poughkeepsie, NY)
All guests are asked if they would like to participate in a spontaneous
pharmaceutical clinical trial.
(Sue Lin Chong, Washington, DC)
Another Thursday, another interview with Aristotle.
(John Gephart IV, Harrisburg, PA)
Begins to make distinctions between penalties of possession of "street
drugs" and "legally prescribed painkillers."
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA)
Constantly claiming that prescription drugs are over-priced.
(Meg Silvern, Wiesbaden, Germany)
Giggles for a full 10 seconds every time he says "Bush."
(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)
Gives the station's call letters using the Swahili alphabet.
(Kevin Freels, Walnut Creek, CA)
Half the show consists of saying how he wishes the audience at home could
see the cool glow-sticks he has with him in the studio.
(Amanda Paulette, Chester, VA)
Hard to hear the host because his mouth is full of Chee-tos.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, VA)
He thinks those irritating "Boing!" sound effects are funny.
(Yoram Puius, Bronx, NY)
He's frequently heard to mumble incoherently, "Those damn Kennedys."
(Dennis Koho, Keizer, OR)
He's listed on Al Franken's tax return as a primary income source.
(Chris Urich, Poughkeepsie, NY)
Hums his own "News on the Hour" theme music and does his own typewriter
sound effects.
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)
Instead of being FTC-regulated, show is monitored by National Institutes of
Health.
(Sue Lin Chong, Washington, DC)
Keeps giggling about how no one knows he's not wearing pants.
(Peter Bauer, Rochester, NY)
Keeps saying how times are so much better now that George W. Bush is
president.
(Ed Brooksbank, Sacramento, CA)
Still thinks Clinton is president -- Roger Clinton.
(Dave Wesley, Pleasant Hill, CA)
Talk show? Check. Guests are political leaders? Check. Hitler, Lenin and
Mao? D'OH!
(Kevin Freels, Walnut Creek, CA)
Third time this show he's said, "See this?"
(Andrew Thomas, Omaha, NE)
Whatever the topic, his analysis always consists of cryptic lyrics from
"Dark Side of the Moon."
(Larry Hollister, Concord, CA)
When she discusses Democratic presidential hopefuls, she divides them into
the "did him" and "would do him" camps.
(Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA)
Honorable Mention list name
(Bill Muse, Seattle, WA)
==================================================================
TOP5 -- The Home of Original Humor http://www.topfive.com
------------------------------------------------------------------
The Top 5 List (original lists) [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Top5 Classic (greatest hits) [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Ruminations (odd thoughts) [EMAIL PROTECTED]
The Daily Probe (news satire) [EMAIL PROTECTED]
------------------------------------------------------------------
C L U B T O P 5
==================================================================
==================================================================
You are subscribed to clubtop5-list as: [EMAIL PROTECTED] To
unsubscribe, forward this message to
[EMAIL PROTECTED]
==================================================================
________________________________
Changes to your subscription (unsubs, nomail, digest) can be made by going to
http://sandboxmail.net/mailman/listinfo/sndbox_sandboxmail.net
