November 6, 2003
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
The pope recently inducted 31 new
members to the College of Cardinals.
So why weren't YOU among the chosen few?
The Top 16 Reasons You Weren't
Inducted Into the College of Cardinals
16> That fancy hat didn't fully cover your horns or the "666"
on your scalp.
15> You never bothered to get your GED after dropping out of
the High School of Cardinals.
14> "Cardinal Liebowitz" has a funny ring to it.
13> The long sleeves of the Cardinal's vestments couldn't quite
hide the "OZZY" and "RULZ" tattoos on your knuckles.
12> The ceremony was scheduled at the same time as an all-new
episode of "Punk'd."
11> Your proposed "Sacrament of Oral Reciprocation" didn't go
over very well.
10> They found andro in your locker and there are rumors that
you cork your crucifix.
9> Maybe it was that entrance essay entitled "Straight Popin':
Tales of a Vatican Hustla."
8> Evidently, your mass in Pig Latin wasn't as amusing as you'd
hoped.
7> You couldn't help but mention how ironic it is that Jesus
Christ was born on Santa Claus' birthday.
6> Your novel suggestion that communion include salsa: "I'm
just saying that the body of Christ can be a little dry,
Your Holiness."
5> Somebody must have done a whois on IHateMotherTeresa.com.
4> You showed up for Sunday mass festooned in Mardi Gras beads.
Meanwhile, on Bourbon Street, a half-naked girl puking behind
a Dumpster was sporting a lovely rosary.
3> Your advocacy of the canonization of O.J. Simpson as the
"patron saint of getting away with sh*t."
2> The cardinal's duties would have interfered with
Gay Bingo Night.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Reason You Weren't
Inducted Into the College of Cardinals...
1> Your open-mouth kiss of Cardinal O'Connor at the 2003 Popey
awards.
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