Christmas with Louise
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest
To find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first
prize.
Christmas with Louise
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
Fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to
fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true
because
Every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were
overflowed,
his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses
And went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell
those
Things at Walmart.
I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in
an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was
there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're
kidding
me!" and "Who would buy that?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy
a
standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a
passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush
hour. Finding
what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different
models. The
top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things
I'd
only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable
Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a
"doll"
took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came
to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during
the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled
the
dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate
some
cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby
tray.
I went
home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to
his
House and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left
the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and
bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the
rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the
traditional
Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
"What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained,
"It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I
had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to
steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and
no one
Wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on
Granny!
Hang
on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up
to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"
I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed
Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but
actually
flirting.
It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas
at
home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had
died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise
made a
noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the
morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room
twice, and fell in
a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and
Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began
administering
mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair
and wet his
pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room,
and
sat
in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my
brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the
cause of
Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a
hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a
wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
Louise went on
to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still
calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
