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Charles Mims's Personal Humorscope
for Tuesday, December 2, 2003
What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind.
Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875 |
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don't
let it make those annoying "yip yip yip" sounds or pee on the lawn,
this time.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Beware! The Celestial Jade Emperor may banish you to the
Big Grumpy Place if you don't start paying more attention to the four
Winds. Obviously, this is a metaphor, somehow involving Cleveland.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Everyone around you will develop a strange fascination
with Vlad The Impaler. This could be bad news.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You'll need to find a present soon - you're almost out of
time. Try to find a good deal on a dibble. Everybody needs a dibble.
Some people even like a double dibble, but if you ask me, that's going
too far.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you will develop a type of rubber overshoe that
looks like dinosaur's feet. They will become wildly popular, after
your appearance on the Letterman show.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will snidely snicker at someone today. That's not
going to make you many friends, you know. Instead, you should
cheerfully chuckle.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You are playing with fire at work, and you're likely to
get burned. Why not strap a lot of fire extinguishers to yourself, and
wear oven mitts? You might get some odd looks, but at least that way
you'll be safe.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark,
chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it's hairy legs
together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else
will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Everyone you see will be "power walking" today. Ignore
them -- they're just trying to get on your nerves.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You are about to have an unfortunate episode involving
insects, grape Kool-Aide, and a revolving door.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Vlad The Impaler continues to come up in casual
conversation. You might want to consider wearing a silver cross,
despite your theological leanings.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Your feet will continue to trouble you today, although you
won't be quite able to put your finger on what's wrong. You haven't
been that flexible in years.
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