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Charles Mims's Personal Humorscope
for Sunday, December 7, 2003
The other day I say a fly walking down the street with his man open.
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You've heard that when economists use the word "nice",
they're actually saying that something is homoscedastic and
nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they
say something is "like, totally kewl."
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
It will occur to you to wonder, what if Jesus had actually
said "The geek shall inherit the earth", but was just misquoted? Then
you'll think of Bill Gates. Then you'll start to worry.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will overhear people talking about you, and
realize that you're an incredible bore who nobody likes. Go to the
library and ask the librarian for advice.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often
happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike
with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you'll
realise that it isn't that likely someone would say "It may be cold,
so be sure to bring a goat."
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a
collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt
to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You
will title the collection "Yo Mama By The River."
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will make pizza from scratch today (dough and
everything), and will beam with pride. As well you should.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a
time/space anomaly caused by a localized anti-tachyon surge, and will
mainly occur in your neighborhood. Time-flow should return to normal
soon.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Fortune will smile upon you today! That's what it does
when it's just thought up a real corker.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Life will deal you an interesting hand soon. Which is OK,
although an interesting foot would have been better.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will find the word "impecunious" popping
unbidden into your mind, at regular intervals. Eventually, you'll go
look it up in the dictionary.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Someone you know will drone on and on about various
tentacled sea creatures today. The best thing to do is to pretend you
have one of those vibrating pagers in your pocket, and say "oh! that
must be the call I've been waiting for", and dash off.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Put all your eggs in three baskets, today - metaphorically
speaking, of course. You can kiss your first two baskets goodbye.
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