Title: The Daily Humorscope
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Charles Mims's Personal Humorscope
for Tuesday, December 16, 2003
"No matter where you go, there you are." -- Buckaroo Banzai
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Aries (March 21 -
April 19)
You will insist on being called "El
Magnifico", today. There will be some grumbling among the peasants.
Taurus (April 20
- May 20)
You will find that if you deliberately mispronounce
"sir" as "sair", you can answer a lot of questions with
either "yes air" or "nose hair."
Gemini (May 21 -
June 20)
Good day for a nice nap.
Cancer (June 21
- July 22)
You'll feel like you can't do anything right today.
Unfortunately, it turns out you're right...
Leo (July 23 -
August 22)
Good day to doodle.
Virgo (August 23
- September 22)
This will be "one of those days", I'm
afraid. The person next to you on the bus will have taken one of those
nitroglycerin capsules for his heart condition, and will be bending over to
pick up a newspaper, just as the bus hits a big pothole...
Libra (September
22 - October 22)
Good day to make a face like a rodent, and hold your
paws up in front of your chest. When someone asks what you are doing, chitter
at them and scurry away.
Scorpio (October 23
- November 21)
This week you will angrily tell someone that you are
more than just a name and a number! You are also punctuation!
Sagittarius
(November 22 - December 21)
In a strange form of protest against the new trends
in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone
with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say "Hay!"
Capricorn
(December 22 - January 20)
Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch
someone underlining words in a library book. It's just one of those signs,
you know? Before the Apocalypse.
Aquarius
(January 21 - February 18)
Today you will rescue several hostages from a
life-or-death situation, using only a banana milkshake and a length of twine.
Film at 11.
Pisces (February
19 - March 20)
You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining
today -- your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who
you gonna call?
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