That one always cracks me up.
David L.
Ben Franklin: "Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become corrupt, they have more need of masters."
-----Original Message-----
From: [EMAIL PROTECTED] [mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]On Behalf Of Angela
Sent: Wednesday, December 17, 2003 8:22 AM
To: truthpost
Subject: [Sndbox] Chili contestTexas Contest
A Texas Chili Contest - If you can read this whole
story without laughing then there's no hope for you.
**Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you
pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of
the third judge is even better. For those of you who
have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween
comes around. It takes up a major portion of the
parking lot at the city park. The notes are from an
inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Canada. Frank: "Recently, I was honored
to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The
original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table
asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when
the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
The scorecards from the event:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy crap, what the heck is this
stuff? You could remove dried paint from
your driveway. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. I hope that's the worst
one. These Texans are crazy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to
be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste
besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich
maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of
peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been
snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
by now. Get me more beer before I ignite.
Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest.
I'm getting crap-faced from all of the
beer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
dish for fish or other mild foods, not
much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it
possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills. That girl is starting to look
HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick.
Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers
make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off
my forehead and I can no longer focus my
eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder
if I'm burning my lips off. It really
makes me mad that the other judges asked
me to stop screaming. The heck with those
rednecks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I
crapped myself when I farted and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No
one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that girl Sally. She must be
crazier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a
snow cone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chilli peppers at the
last moment. **I should take note that I
am worried about
Judge # 3.-- He appears to be in a bit of distress as
he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've
lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water.
My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are
full of lava like stuff to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy,
they'll know what killed me. I've decided
to stop breathing, it's too painful. The
heck with it; I'm not getting any oxygen
anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it
in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili.
Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that
most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot
down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how
he'd have reacted to really hot chili.
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