Title: The Daily Humorscope
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Charles Mims's Personal Humorscope
for Saturday, December 27, 2003
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already
tomorrow in Australia.
Charles Schultz |
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
A good day to start getting your affairs in order. You
shouldn't be having affairs anyway, so the least you can do is
tidy them up.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Try to be logical, today. It's your only hope. (Which is
considerably better than it would be if your "only hope" was some old
geezer on the desert planet Falderol and you had to send a robot
shaped like an underarm roller-type deodorant off to find him. But not
as fun.)
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
People will stare at you today. Unknown to you, you are
starting to look more and more like a large frog. A career in
basketball may be in your future.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Try to put things in perspective, today. Basically, that
means that things appear closer together, the farther away they are.
That means that your problems are either big, or close together. Cool,
huh?
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since
that incessant pounding from your new neighbor's place is driving you
nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad
news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making
something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you'll
need a lot of twine.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a
"horsepower" is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but
which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550
foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can
borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will stumble across conclusive proof that
cilantro is actually the main ingredient in detergents and soaps, and
that its culinary use started as a joke -- it's just that most people
are too shy to admit that they'd rather spray Lysol on their burrito
than put cilantro on it.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Good day to bring donuts to a meeting. Later, ask people
how their diets are going.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will
have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don't let it get you
down!
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the
financial kind.)
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If
you answer, you'll be blamed. Pretend you don't know anything about
it. |
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