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Celebrities as good as their word | |||
By LIAM LACEY From Saturday's Globe and Mail |
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Another year older and deeper in debt to wire copy about J. Lo, Britney, and Paris Hilton and marriages and breakups and videotapes and a whole lot of what we will delicately call Talent and Accessories. A cynic (who? where?) might cite sometime political theorist and unabashedly stacked country music star Dolly Parton, who dubs her famous chest her "weapons of mass distraction." Remember superficial? That was so ..... some other time ago. We have moved way past that, right along to super-dee-duper-ficial. So don't get all stuffy about it. Get yourself an X-treme makeover and a fruit martini, don your seasonal gold-lam� thong and dive right into the shallow end: The good news is that J. Lo and Britney are both in talks to launch their own talk shows next season, and it's an open bet who will wear the least. The state of everything "Bleak is the new black." � Actor Ewan McGregor, while speaking of his forthcoming film, Young Adam, takes the temperature of the times. "Rich is the new gay." � A report on The Daily Show suggests reality shows about stupid rich people (The Simple Life) will now replace shows about gay people (Will & Grace, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy). "It is as it was." � The Pope reportedly offers a rave review for Mel Gibson's film about the life of Christ, Passion. The runaway wedding "When we found ourselves seriously contemplating hiring three separate 'decoy brides' at three different locations, we realized that something was awry." � Hollywood couple Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, announcing the postponement of their wedding due to a media frenzy that spoiled their plans for a private ceremony. "I know there's going to be a wedding. Love survives bad press." � Affleck insists accusations he cheated on his fianc�e have failed to rock their romance. "I'm Beni-fried out." � Affleck's friend, Christian Slater, expresses his disenchantment with the story of the year. Reality bites the dust "Reality. What an elusive and defiled concept. The stark reality about Reality � David Bowie's stunning and vital new album � is that there really isn't any concept. And according to Reality's legendary creator, there ultimately may not be any reality either." � The press release for David Bowie's new album puts it all out of focus. "Big Brother is not reality any more. You don't get 10 normal people to do it. You get 10 crap actors in the house." � American Idol judge Simon Cowell on the decline of reality television. "It may never come to this, but I won't do anything sexual. Especially with farm animals." � Lionel Richie's daughter, Nicole, on her new reality show, The Simple Life, in which she stars with Paris Hilton. "What's your favourite, like, restaurant chain? I like the Olive Garden." � Amber, making small talk during her one-on-one date, on The Bachelor. "What are your feelings about broccoli?" � Average Joe contestant and 21-year-old college professor Tareq Kabir tries to get cozy with sexy professional cheerleader Malena. Knights in a daze "I suppose people will call me Sir Mick. But Sir Michael has a nice ring to it." � Sir Mick Jagger accepts a knighthood at Her Majesty's request. "I don't want to step out on stage with someone wearing a f---ing coronet and sporting the old ermine." � Keith Richards expresses his disagreement with Sir Mick's new title. "I think he's a bit like a bawling child who hasn't got an ice cream." � Sir Mick rebuts his commoner bandmate. "I'm a big fan of Jerry Springer and Judge Judy. Jerry Springer is an interesting sociological cultural phenomenon." � Sir Anthony Hopkins, self-described "Malibu beach bum," declares his fondness for American culture. "To have a lot of dolls made of two characters that I have played or to find little representations of myself falling out of a cornflakes box or on a Burger King mug, these are not necessarily desirable things, but when they happen, you just sort of hug yourself with delight." � Sir Ian McKellen, on starring in both The Lord of the Rings and X-Men movies. And one game Dame "He's a perfect gentleman and a hunka hunka burnin' love." � Dame Judi Dench, on her co-star in The Chronicles of Riddick, Vin Diesel. A useful tip The Hokey Pokey, by William Shakespeare: O proud left foot, that ventures quick within Then soon upon a backward journey lithe. Anon, once more the gesture, then begin: Command sinistral pedestal to writhe. Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke, A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl. To spin! A wilde release from Heavens yoke. Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl. The Hoke, the poke � banish now thy doubt Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about. � Jeff Brechlin, of Potomac Falls, Va., winner of a Washington Post contest to write a series of instructions in the style of a famous writer. Talent and Accessories: Part 1 "Lucky that my breasts are small and humble/So you don't confuse them with mountains." � South American singer Shakira, of the gyroscopic hips and English-as-a-second-language lyrics, from her song Whenever, Wherever. "Everyone in L.A. is blond with big boobs. Even the men!" � American Idol winner Kelly Clarkson says she's a small-town girl at heart. "You felt her ..... bosom?!'' Barbara Walters, after Sharon Osbourne revealed that she'd grabbed Camilla Parker Bowles's "tits" on 20/20. Talent and Accessories: Part 2 "When I shake my butt, I feel it in my soul." � Bootylicious singer Beyonc� Knowles. "I have a very big bottom. But if I didn't have a bottom, I wouldn't have anything. I only look like a woman from the back." � The English Patient star Kristin Scott Thomas "I was followed around Heathrow by a guy who wanted to take a picture of my backside. I don't understand the obsession." � Ren�e Zellweger, on the weight she's gaining for the second Bridget Jones movie. "I'm very comfortable with my body. Still, I'm having my first bikini wax today, and I'm a wreck about it. Since my bikini line starts way down at my knees, I figure it's probably a good idea." � Alyssa Milano reveals too much about revealing more. The smooch heard 'round the world "I love how Madonna works two of America's most famous people to be her bitches!" Kelly Osbourne, on Madonna playing tonsil-hockey with Britney and Christina Aguilera. "I wouldn't tongue her. I'm not that kind of publicity, attention-grabber type of artist." � Reality-TV star Jessica Simpson wouldn't have switched places with Britney. "That kiss thing � I was as disgusted as you were." � Lesbian talk-show host Ellen DeGeneres to Britney's ex-boyfriend Justin Timberlake. Perks and price of fame "I always laugh when actors fight over trailers. I'm from Kentucky. We try to stay out of trailers. It's not a status symbol for us." � George Clooney, on film-set etiquette. "I could sit around with my thumb up my butt watching TV and my kids would still go to college." � Former Home Alone, current Party Monster star Macaulay Culkin. "I'll phone up and say, 'Hi, it's Paris Hilton,' and they'll say, 'Yes, this is the Paris Hilton.' So I'm like, 'Yes, I know, I'm Paris Hilton.' It can go on for hours like some bad comedy film." � Paris Hilton, on getting booked at the family hotel. "I have a house, but it's too crazy for me. It's got a bowling alley, a racquetball court, a tennis court, basketball and volleyball courts, an indoor shooting range, two guesthouses and a pool." � 16-year-old Malcolm in the Middle star Frankie Muniz. "I've been lucky because I do regard myself as a slightly aging character and I've been able to be in scenes with delightful women, like Kate Winslet, Cate Blanchett, Salma Hayek, Goldie Hawn. ..... It's been a perk of the job. And the prettiest of all, of course, was Johnny Depp." � Actor Geoffrey Rush, on beauties with whom he has starred. "I think I'm saying everything that people are just afraid to say." � Pop singer Jessica Simpson, who wondered if Chicken of the Sea contained chicken, and responded, "I don't eat buffalo meat" when offered Buffalo wings on her reality show. Reeling in the years "Looking back, I don't know why we needed it to be quite so loud all the time." � The Who star Pete Townshend, on his current problems with tinnitus. "Someone asked me the other day, 'What do you do?' And I said, 'Mainly interviews about things that I did more than 25 years ago.'." � Comedian John Cleese, on being a living legend. Cat calls "I've got three words for him: Am. A. Teur." � Charlie Sheen on his successor as Hollywood's latest bad boy, Colin Farrell. "In three years time, I can see him headlining at any Holiday Inn in America." � American Idol star Simon Cowell on Eminem. "There's a hooker in Trenton who wants her shoes back." � Carson, on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, reacts to the tough-looking girlfriend of one of the show's makeover subjects. "The recording artist once named Pink will be called Beige when people realize that that's the colour you get when you mix her name with the crap she records." � Jack Black's comic prediction for the future. "Monica Lewinsky has agreed to host a new Fox reality show called Mr. Personality. Lewinsky says this way, when people ask her the most degrading thing she's ever done, she'll have a new answer." � Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live. "Yesterday, the World Health Organization said the spread of SARS has been stopped dead in its tracks. That means the biggest health threat in Toronto is, once again, acute boredom." � Conan O'Brien on Late Night. "I wish him all the luck and I'd really like him to grope me." � One of Schwarzenegger's many political rivals in the race, porn star Mary Carey. From their own mouths "I have slept in a bed with many children. Why can't you share your bed? The most loving thing to do is to share your bed with someone." � Michael Jackson in the documentary Living With Michael Jackson, aired months before the singer was charged with child molestation. "I am loud and I do curse." � Rosie O'Donnell, on court testimony that she turned into an "uberbitch" when working for Rosie magazine. "I dumb down for my audience and double my dollars/ They criticize me for it but they all yell 'Holla!'." � Jay-Z on his new The Black Album. "It starts with something violent right away. Then after that there's a big, violent scene. Then there's a conversation scene, with a little more violence at the end. Then there's a little segue and there's some more violence. It's very violent." � Uma Thurman, on her starring role in Quentin Tarantino's Kill Bill. "If you are a 12-year-old girl or boy, you must go and see Kill Bill and you will have a damn good time." � Director Quentin Tarantino on, apparently, the same film. "There's an old Texas _expression_, 'If you don't have anything nice to say, go to London and say it in front of 2,000 people.'." � Dixie Chicks star Natalie Maines on her anti-George Bush comments that landed the act in trouble. "It's got three million people and 60 million sheep, so it kind of creates some odd dynamics in society. I mean, when I lost my virginity the mother was standing about five metres away. She said, 'You baaa-stard.'." � Actor Russell Crowe on growing up Down Under. "It was hard watching myself get killed, but my mother would have been proud." � Talk-show star Jerry Springer on watching his murder in the stage production of Jerry Springer: The Opera. "Don't tell anyone. I'm supposed to be dumb." � Former supermodel Helena Christensen admits she can speak six languages. |
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