Celebrity Knuckleheads 2003: Their stupidity knows no bounds
Welcome to the second annual Celebrity Knucklehead Awards.
It's been a busy year, friends, and we've been keeping tabs on the famous and stupid -- practically a full-time job. Like last year, we only considered celebrities, no politicians or meddling Chicago baseball fans. This year seems to be a bad one for the fellas ...
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| David Wheeler / P-I | ||
Michael Jackson -- Yes, ladies and gentlemen, M.J. is taking top prize for the second year in a row. And we're not even saying that he's guilty of child molestation, because if we did, we'd only be guessing. No, he wins the Knucklehead of the Year award because after being accused of a similar crime in 1993, he failed to take steps to make sure he's never suspected of anything so heinous again. Dude, enough with the kiddie sleepovers and the Peter Pan stuff.
R. Kelly -- Speaking of repeat winners ... or is that losers? ... this guy is also claiming his second Knucklehead Award. Kelly, who is married with two kids, has been on the hook for improper/lewd/just plain wrong conduct with teenage girls at least four times in the past nine years. Only two years ago, a tape of (allegedly) him having sex with a 14-year-old girl surfaced and he could face 15 years in prison on 21 charges of child pornography. This year, he got busted, yet again, as photos emerged of a guy who looks like him engaged in sexual activities with underage girls.
His defense? He says his former managers were framing him and that they'd used digital morphing technology to make the guy pictured look like him.
Rick Salomon -- The online gambling entrepreneur filmed himself having sex with hotel heiress Paris Hilton and then somehow "lost" the tape, setting off an online porn bidding war and a series of lawsuits. What, did he just leave the tape next to the Cheerios? In the odds 'n' ends drawer in the kitchen? How do you not know exactly where videotaped footage of your schmeckel is? This isn't a library card or a spare key, ya dingbat. Stop suing people and take responsibility.
Tie: Liza Minnelli and David Gest -- He accuses her of being an abusive, raging drunk, and she lashes back calling him a liar and a thief. Ain't love grand?
Life is strange, and love is even more so. We know that. But there's got to be a classier way than this to get out of a 16-month marriage. Minnelli is seeking a cool $2 million in damages while Gest is haggling over some verbal business deal he says they had. Bet you're glad you didn't rush to buy them any of the stuff they registered for at Tiffany's -- but if you think the marriage can be saved by a $195 Elsa Peretti serving fork, then by all means, go ahead.
Courtney Love -- For failing to take care of business regarding her addictions and general low-grade madness in time to prevent having daughter Francis Bean taken away from her (that'll happen when you get busted while trying to break into someone's home and then get hauled in on drug charges). Love's a tortured soul, to be sure, but the second she decided to have a baby all of her self-indulgent, depressive rock-star hooey should have gone out the window. We're still waiting for that to happen.
Kobe Bryant -- For not only cheating on his (gorgeous) young wife, Vanessa, but for possibly committing rape to get what he wanted. And it doesn't stop there. The Los Angeles Lakers star then bought a giant ring to prove his love to his wounded wife. Hey Kobe -- you know what else is proof of love? Fidelity.
Michael Savage -- For crossing the line from shock-jock bad taste to hateful jerk by saying "Oh, you're one of the sodomites. You should get AIDS and die, you pig," to a gay caller. His MSNBC show, "Savage Nation," is no more, though he can still be heard on the radio.
Steve-O -- True, he starred on a show called "Jackass," but one would hope there's a difference between the TV personality and real life Stephen Glover. One would be wrong. Last spring, Glover told a Swedish paper he was going to swallow a condom packed with marijuana and hashish and smuggle it into Sweden. He had pot and ecstasy with him, but he told a Swedish court that he didn't smuggle them into the country (therefore doing the fine touristic deed of giving business to local drug dealer). This clarification came after he'd already spent six days in the clink.
Honorable mention
Paris Hilton -- While the leggy brainiac should have known better than to let her boyfriend tape the two of them while having sex, we'll chalk that one up to simple naivete. But she gets an honorable mention for knowing about the sex tape being shopped around for an online distributor and still not pulling the trigger on a court order to prevent it from happening.
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