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Subject: The Office Christmas Party
Date: October 01, 2003
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will
take
place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room
at
the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!
We'll
have a small band playing
traditional carols...feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised
if
our CEO
shows up dressed as
Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at
1:00PM.
Exchange of
gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no
gift should be
over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy
for
everyone's
pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! Our
CEO will make a special
announcement
at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our
Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday,
which
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The
same
policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or
those
still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas
tree
present. No Christmas carols sung. We will
have other
types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 03, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your
name. I'm
happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a
table that
reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I
supposed
to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since
the
union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives
believe
$10.00 is a little chintzy.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 04, 2003
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins
the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during
daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can
appreciate how a luncheon at
this
time
of year does not accommodate our
Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps
the
Grill House can hold off on
serving your meal until the end of the
party or
else
package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy
baggy.
Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight
Watchers
to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each
other. Lesbians do not have to sit
with
Gay men,
each will have
their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement
for
the
Gay
men's table. To the person asking permission to crossdress,
no
crossdressing
allowed though. We will have booster seats for
short people. Low-fat
food
will be
available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt
used in the
food
we suggest
for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There
will be
fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No
Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Damn Employees
DATE: October 05, 2003
RE: The Damn Holiday Party
Vegetarian pricks, I've had it with you people!!! We're going to
keep
this
party at the
Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the
table
furthest from
the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll
get your
damn salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes
have
feelings, too. They
scream
when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm
hearing them scream
right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
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FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 06, 2003
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery
and
I'll
continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime,
management has
decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of
the
23rd off
with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
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