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Charles Mims's Personal Humorscope
for Sunday, January 4, 2004
For coats made for ladies from their own skin.
In the window of a Sweddish furrier
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Terrific day to saunter. Don't let it turn into a mosey,
though.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Remember: people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw
stones. It's ok to throw mashed potatoes, however.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will have a sudden, somewhat irrational desire
to drive to Camden, New Jersey, and visit the Soup Tureen Museum.
Fortunately, you will restrain yourself.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today is the 1,750,000-year aniversary of the invention of
hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly
made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman
label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks
together!
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Excellent day to visit a bookstore. Try to find a book
named "Make Money With Your Own Worm Farm." You don't need to read it,
but it'll be fun to leave around where people will notice it.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim
towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will
be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political
career will be forever dashed.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Focus on financial issues today. It's OK to keep putting
your money in your mattress, but you might want to switch to paper
money. (It's less jingley.)
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Due to minor lymph-node infection, several dangerous
toxins will shortly be released into your bloodstream. Not to worry.
You'll survive, and the only permanent brain damage will involve an
enthusiasm for polka music.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will be pestered by a small fluffy animal today. Don't
be taken in by appearances -- it's actually a mutant from outer space.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl
of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your
sandwich. You never tire of the wild life, do you?
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Noodle day #2! "The Revenge Of The Noodle." Today you will
learn to make a really killer recipe for szechuan noodles, which will
contain both chili-garlic paste and whole peanuts.
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