Their love life has a little too much spice
DEAR HARRIETTE: My rather conservative girlfriend and I have enjoyed
watching pornographic movies from time to time to add to our love life. I
was excited that she was open to this possibility. Now I'm worried. It turns
out that, independent of me, she looks at pornography on the Internet. I
recently noticed when I was using her computer that she had viewed a
pornographic Web site. Should I be worried about what she does in her
private time? -- Richard, Dallas, Texas
Richard: If you had said that your girlfriend had participated in some type
of extracurricular sexual activity with another person, you would have cause
to worry. That she is continuing what the two of you enjoy together -- only
by herself -- is not unusual or necessarily dangerous to the exclusivity of
your relationship. It does bring up the fact that you cannot control
people's thoughts or actions. You lit a fire that is now burning. Rather
than trying to put it out, do some investigating.
Instead of worrying, bring up the subject. Tell your girlfriend you noticed
what she had been viewing, and ask her if she would like to share it with
you. You may turn your concern into a new level of intimacy for the two of
you. Now is not the time to jump to conclusions. Use this opportunity to
learn more about your partner's interests and desires to see how you can
grow your relationship rather than allowing your insecurities to tear it
apart.
For those readers who find pornography perverse, exploitive and otherwise
unhealthy, know that in this couple's case it has served as a viable form of
excitement. Still, it definitely is not for everyone. Like anything else, it
requires openness and honesty for the inclusion of such explicit material to
be a useful sexual aid.
DEAR HARRIETTE: Concerning the woman whose friend's dog had passed away,
another way to acknowledge this is to make a donation in the pet's name to
an animal organization such as the Humane Society or the SPCA. The
organization will send the deceased pet's owner an acknowledgement. I have
given and received a few of these and the organizations do a great job of
putting into words the feelings of having had and lost a pet. My vet does
this and receiving the acknowledgement meant a great deal to me. Hope that
helps. -- Maggie, no city given, Utah
Maggie: Thank you for your suggestion. What is apparent is that many people
care for their pets with the same love, affection and commitment as they do
members of their family. Finding ways to support your loved ones during
their time of grief -- even if you don't fully understand what they're
feeling -- is thoughtful and generous. It's great to know that leading
animal organizations have identified ways to support people who have lost
pets.
For those who must say something and are still at a loss for words, know
that what your loved ones want most is your support and concern, without
judgment. Listen and offer your love.
<http://members.comics.com/mycomics/images/clear_dot.gif>
<http://members.comics.com/mycomics/images/clear_dot.gif> (Harriette
Cole is the co-author of the new book, "Coming Together: Celebrations for
African-American Families" (Jump at the Sun/Hyperion Books for Children).
You can send questions to [EMAIL PROTECTED] or c/o United
Feature Syndicate, 200 Madison Ave., New York, N.Y. 10016.)
Copyright 2004, Harriette Cole
Distributed by United Feature Syndicate, Inc.
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