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Charles Mims
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Charles Mims's Personal Humorscope
for Tuesday, January 13, 2004
The chicken came first - God would look silly sitting on an egg.
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Bring extra. You'll need it.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
So, you've decided to have children. Congratulations! You,
er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably
compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought
I'd mention that.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Beware of lightning, today! Either stay indoors, or leave
your aluminum foil hat behind. (I know, I know. It's hard. But I've
learned to live without mine, most of the time.)
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will discover that you are capable of
"channelling", when you start spouting ancient sumerian curses at a
short little dweeb who cuts you off in traffic. You will start taking
notes in cuneiform.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Excellent day to pretend to have various infirmities.
Pretending to have a hunchback is my personal favorite, and is often
favorably combined with a drooling problem.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will be hit on the head by a carton of yogurt today,
which will not strike you as being the least bit funny at the time.
Later, of course, you'll all have a good laugh about it.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
To your vast embarrassment, you will be unable to describe
the differences between halibut, sole, and flounder. It's easy to
remember, though -- they are (in order) "big", "small", and "clumsy."
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will decide to have a bit of illicit fun, and
will slip bits of dry pasta into other people's pockets, shoes, etc.,
when they're not looking. My advice: don't get caught.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Good time to wear WAY too much cologne. Well actually,
that's generally not a problem for people who wear cologne. Usually,
they have no sense of smell. (Oh come on - you think they'd do that on
purpose??)
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Good day to appreciate the beauty and wonder of life, and
to see how far you can spit. Other people may find that incongrous,
but you'll see the inner truth, and it will set you free.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
In an attempt to simplify your life, you will discard all
of your footwear. Later you will regret this, but will be too proud to
admit it.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today you will suddenly realise how sensuous
pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life.
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