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Charles Mims's Personal Humorscope
for Monday, January 19, 2004
"Cynicism is an unpleasant way of saying the truth." -- Lillian Hellman
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Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Tomorrow when you wake up, you'll make an unpleasant
discovery. Sometime during the night, you'll have been visited by the
nostril hair fairy.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
If you keep going the way you are, you'll soon be fit as a
fiddle! (And as you know, a fiddle is very buff, for a stringed
instrument.)
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Job interview today, eh? Good show! Eat a bunch of oreos
just before, and smile a lot. They'll spend their time staring at your
teeth, that way. (Not at your resume.)
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will have a hunch, today. Perhaps you should try a
firmer mattress?
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The
police will do nothing.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Good day to make sure you are prepared for a big
earthquake. Get bottled water, a first-aid kit, canned food,
flashlights, transistor radio, sturdy hiking boots, and a feather boa.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You'll have a freakish number of plumbing difficulties,
today. This is due in part to the age of your plumbing fixtures, but
mostly it's because Neckna, Queen of the Undines, has taken a
strong dislike towards you, due to some rather harsh words you've had
to say about the weather lately.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will spend this week trying to get to the bottom of
things. The good news is, you will succeed! The bad news is, the
bottom of things is sometimes ugly, and often smells bad.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will use the phrase "hep-cat daddy-o" one too
many times, and your friends will tie you to a chair, and gag you.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you,
today. It's just their way of showing their appreciation, and of
telling you that you are furniture.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the
people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage
Cheese.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You'll find more, and very "interesting", uses for
cocktail umbrellas today.
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[>>Charles<<]
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