Title: The Daily Humorscope
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Charles Mims's Personal Humorscope
for Tuesday, January 20, 2004
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car." |
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Hide.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Good day to buy a stereo microscope, and examine that
stuff under your toenail. Well, as good a day as any.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and
to refer to the different sides of your building as "port" and
"starboard."
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will combine a therapeutic technique based on rapid
eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks
so silly, passers by will actually fall over laughing.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
This will be a very musical day for you, today. Next time,
try to remember the Beano(tm)?
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Excellent day to dig a very big hole. If you pile the dirt
up around the sides, and make huge "paw prints" around it, you can
have some fun by phoning a TV station and telling them about the
gigantic gopher you saw.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
There will be a great disturbance in the force, today.
Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping
through the Universe, so there's no reason for you to worry.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Noticing a picture on a colleague's desk, you will comment
"I've never cared for those hairless cats." That might not be a good
thing to say. Newborns can be a bit blotchy, and new parents can be a
bit touchy...
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
The mountain will be happy to come to Mohammed, but
Mohammed should be prepared for a brief (in geologic terms) delay.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You need to do something about that nervous laugh.
Practice an "evil laugh" and use that instead. Then at least, you'll
be able to hear everyone else's nervous laughter.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream.
In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge
clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines,
who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light. The
extra point isn't worth it.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will give your lawyer a retainer today, which will
only irritate her. She will patiently explain that that isn't the sort
of retainer she'd meant.
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The Daily Humorscope
[>>Charles<<]
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