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Charles Mims's Personal Humorscope
for Saturday, January 24, 2004
"I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to
make me happy." -- J.D. Salinger |
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will become a card-carrying member of a new and
very exclusive organization named "Yeomen of the Carbuncle", although
you'll spend a lot of time at the first meeting debating whether it
should actually be called "Yeopersons of the Carbuncle."
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today,
your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley
accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are
simply the first two signs of a "spaz attack", which is more common
than most people realize, and usually non-fatal.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You've always felt, like Socrates, that the unexamined
life is not worth living. There's no need to use a microscope,
however.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
An eldrich fiend will hover at the edge of your sight,
tonight, as you look out your window. Not a particularly good day for
a midnight stroll.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will have an intellectual discussion with a potato,
soon. You'll be so caught up in whether it was Descartes or Voltaire
who first advocated empiricism, that it will fail to strike you as a
bit odd that the potato knows much of anything about 17th-century
French philosophers. In fact, it knows more about them than you do.
Later, that will irritate you.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Potato awareness day, today. Potatoes have had a
tremendous influence on society, since their introduction into Western
culture. Just think, for instance, of their effect on Dan Quayle's
career!
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Good day to start saving up for that electron microscope
you've always wanted. I hear Sears will be having a big sale on them
this fall.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
A man wearing two left shoes and a shirt with only one
sleeve will approach you today, and try to interest you in a no-load
mutual fund. Trust him -- he knows what he's doing.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically
speaking, that is.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will come up with a theory about people - that you can
learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their
name. For example, Ron -> On. That's why I'm on-line. That also
explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I'd
avoid Alice.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will banish fear. It will stomp off in a huff.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today you will discover the original version of the
nursery rhyme: "Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow
jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed to see such fun, because
he was mentally impaired."
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