Leno
The big story today not the war, not Howard Dean, not the presidential
election, no the big story today Ben and Jennifer have broken up.
The final straw was when Ben told her "Yes, your ass does look big in those
pants.”
I tell you I had a nightmare last night, oh man. I dreamed that Howard Dean
had somehow gotten a hold of some weapons of mass destruction.
Well let's see what's new with Dr. Dean and Mr. Hyde on the campaign trail…
Howard Dean’s campaign is doing everything they can to mellow him out after
that shouting incident in Iowa. In fact today, they gave him an old tennis ball
to chew on.
What was that odd noise dean made? "Yowwwwww”. At least Clinton had the
decency to make those kind of noises in the privacy of the Oval Office.
In a huge turn around, Senator John Kerry has taken a 10 point lead in the
polls in New Hampshire. Aides to Howard Dean are still trying to figure out
who’s going to tell him. "I’m not going to tell him, you tell him.” "I’m not
going to tell him, you tell him.”
Howard Dean’s wife, Judith Steinberg, made her first appearance in Iowa.
She’s a doctor, so I think she was brought in to try and stop the hemorrhaging
in his campaign.
John Kerry apologized last night for saying that when he returned from
Vietnam in ‘69 John Edwards was still in diapers. Edwards said in 1969 that he
was sitting around the kitchen table with his parents trying to figure out how
they would pay for his college. And George Bush said in 1969 he was trying to
figure out where the hell he parked his car.
The presidential candidate John Edwards keeps saying there are two Americas.
And today Bush said that’s wrong, there’s only one America. And then he repeated
that in Spanish…you know for the other America.
We’re learning more about Senator John Edwards – turns out he is a
multimillionaire personal injury attorney. That’s how he’ll solve the deficit -
he’s going to trip on the capitol steps, fake a back injury and collect
billions.
Democratic candidate General Wesley Clark revealed this week that he got a
half a million dollars last year lobbying the Bush administration for securities
software. You know what you call a democrat who makes half a million bucks
lobbying the Bush administration? A Republican.
The Ohio legislature approved a ban on same sex marriage. And I understand
the Kentucky legislation is thinking of a ban on same sibling marriage.
Mitsubishi has a new slogan "Wake up and drive.” We don’t need people to
wake up and drive…we need people to hang up and drive! Put the phone down and
just drive moron.
According to a new study, caviar can help relieve depression. Sounds like a
Republican health care plan, doesn’t it? Caviar is loaded with omega 3 fatty
acids, which improve mood. That’s until you get the bill for the caviar. Then
you are really depressed again.
Charles Mims
The more corrupt the state, the more numerous
the laws. - Cornelius Tacitus
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