Ahoy!
I think this whole submarine idea is part of a North Atlantic plot to start
Underwater Non-Native (aka, Invasive Species) Gaming.
As a Steambloater and an Overnighter In Manyhopeless (btw, their Mary Tyler
Moore is just as grotesque as our Herb; these sculptors must be rounded up
and incarcerated), I would like to be able to go on the Boat For Change
Tour. This would be a 20 hour booze cruise down to the Croix and back.
"HMS Bottle Of Hastings." I could walk to the St. Paul landing with my
bedding and cash, board a DQ-like steamer, settle into my cabin, hit the
buffet, enjoy live rock 'n' roll, then some blues, then at lights out, some
acoustic stuff, and from 3-4 am, some laid-back jazz to wrap things up.
I'd wobble up to my cabin, and if I am seasick or if my friends have had
too much to drink, we could just hurl overboard and the carp and gulls
would deal with it. (This is something that wouldn't "go over" in a
submarine.) Also, this would be a smoking vessel, outdoors only, and no
butts in the River. Farm-raised meat, shellfish, and peanuts will also be
allowed. to keep insurance costs down, all passengers would sign a waiver.
People not paying attention during the pre-launch evacuation drill would be
stunned to discover they have been tazed and confused and sent ashore.
I'd sleep from 4 'til 11am, have a good fry-up, and disembowel back in St.
Paul at noon. (By this time, St. Paul will have shown Stillwater how real
river towns provide public lavatories, not just shoddy green and blue
plastic boxes everywhere.) The Boat People would have four hours to hose
The Bottle down and be ready for the next load-ons. I would be a season
ticket holder, as long as the artists don't try to extort too much money
from me, and I would pay $300 for one night a year in a double-occupancy
cabin. The DQ has about 86 cabins; at $300 each, that's $25,800. Is that
enough - I have no idea... But the Boat For Change would be more of a
hostel environment - cheap, just the bare bones. Hose-downable. Since
there would be considerable value in keeping my fellow passengers off the
road, MADD could donate to the cause. None of those snoots from Irvine
Park would be able to complain about the noise. (I'd play a quick "Smoke
On The Water" on the calliope as we left the Head House, just to piss 'em
off!)
Steambloatin' is a very geriatric pursuit*, believe you me, and unless your
grandparents-in-law take you, you are not likely to do it. BUT, if you
knew you could see The Suburbs or Eric Clapton or somebody up close with a
bunch of other middle-agers, you just might. And sure, you can bring your
dog, too.
There would be Singles Nights, of course, and GLBT Nyght (inc. the Shania
and/or Mark Twain Costume Ball), The June Jammin' Jew Jaunt (a bottle of
Mad Dog 20/20 in every cabin), Ye Christian Funkamenta-List (they probably
wouldn't need an overnight), Parents Of Murdered Somali Lutheran Pop
Stars, Talk Like A Pirate P-AARRRGGGH-ty, and Noche de Spanish Armada for
the winos in Uppertown. You can probably come up with your own demography
of music-lovers. Drumming Clubs could have mulit-deck jam sessions and by
the time any police came, we'd be a mile down river. Ha ha, Copper! I
blow my nose in your di-rection! It's pretty environmentally friendly, too
- when we went to St. Louis, the birds didn't seem to mind our blaring
Victrolae or all the shouts of "Turn on your damn hearing aid, Henry!"
"'D'YOU SAY SOMETHIN', MILDRED?"
So, who's on board? Submarines are boring, not to mention stuffy and prone
to depth charges and terroristic scubajadeen. Now if they dropped an
open-to-the-air plexiglass box into the marina, I'd pay to go in that and
look for gar and appliances and stuff. But the cruise would be way more
fun!
AMH
Left Condescending Bank
* Of N'Orleans' DQ fleet, the DQ itself hosts the hippest guests, with the
AQ hosting the most hip replacements. The MQ is somewhere in between.
They are very expensive, in part, because of the gajillotons of food they
prepare (poorly) and all the diamonds they give to repeat customers. Yes,
people have been on them FIFTY times, so they're treated like rock stars.
We don't need no stinking brooches!
Andrew M. Hine
Corporate Research Materials Laboratory
3M Center 201-1W-28
St. Paul MN
55144-1000
USA
[EMAIL PROTECTED]
Tel: (651) 733-1070
Fax: (651) 737-5335
Lab 201-W110
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