UNIVERSAL SOLVENTS (a Tale of Sfstory!) Episode 23 "Plum" by Gary W. Olson
-~-_- Death had finally come for him, Norman Sassafras realized. Unlike many of his young peers, he had for quite some time understood that he was mortal, and that one day he would go the way of all mortal things. One could not watch Star Trek as much as he had, and hear Doctor McCoy say 'He's dead, Jim' for as many times as he had, without this sliding deep into the furrows of his consciousness. It was one of the immutable truths of the universe, as far as he was concerned-- sooner or later, no matter one's rank in life, one eventually had to put on the red shirt. What his many years of watching Trek and its sequels had not prepared him for, though, was the truth that one might come to welcome death--to regard the velour of security with relief. As the Arachno- Newton closest to him continued belting out the words to 'Danke Schoen,' the fear Norman felt at the sight of its razorblade legs was swiftly eclipsed by the gagging sensation brought on by the cloying sappiness of the song. Norman's ankle slid out from under him in the soft grass, and that was all that saved him. A massive blade breezed over him as he fell. What reflexes his heroic training from Interstellar University had instilled in him kept him from landing flat on his back--he caught his descent with his hands, scrambled back, and quickly got to his feet. Another blade slash cut into the red beets that made up his garment, though the tip did no more than graze the skin of his stomach. The others who were in the clearing with him fared no better. Kalvin Certain--the now-former casino manager and currently clad-in- bacon cad whose machinations had more-or-less resulted in Norman's current predicament--scrambled to avoid being scrambled by another Arachno-Newton's blades. Benjen--a onetime Renegade Anarchist whom Norman had met years ago and had, as a result of different machinations, been brought here to planet Zeta Ricola Beta and outfitted in lettuce--was trying to fly above the battle, only to discover that the aural assault of the Arachno-Newtons was interfering with his bioelectrical field. Shoon-Ma--the powerful ur-Bagel whose desire for revenge was one of the prime drivers of the current drama-- had no such problems, and equally no problem with hanging back and avoiding the battle. "Any last requests?" asked the Arachno-Newton trying to kill him. "'I'll Be With You in Apple Blossom Time,' maybe? Or shall I cover a song by my good pal Neil Diamond?" "Gurk," Norman replied, as he dodged another blade. "'Heartlight' it is," said the Arachno-Newton, sounding delighted. Immediately, all three of the Wayne Newton-emulating killer robo-arachnoids started emitting the syrupy orchestral music that was the start of the song. Norman started seriously considering leaping toward the slashing blades. Before he could do so, the Arachno-Newton's face exploded. "Yaaah!" exclaimed Norman, as he stumbled back. A massive form slammed into the Arachno-Newton, toppling it to the ground. Norman was alarmed to see that it was a six-foot-tall-at-the-shoulder black- furred mutant cat, and was further alarmed to see the cat sit on the remains of the robot, raise its leg, and start in on a dignity-free round of self-grooming. A flying metal skiff swooped low over Norman's head, and Norman saw multiple other figures--these all more bipedish--jump out. "Down!" a woman's voice ordered, and Norman hit the forest floor again. Further laser blasts echoed above and around him, and Norman realized he knew who had given the order. He looked up and saw Toni Williams, just as she plunged her laser sword into the neck of the Arachno-Newton that had been threatening to slice Kalvin Certain into kibble. "Norman!" a man's voice called, and Norman realized he knew who owned this voice as well. Forgetting Toni's order, he sprang to his feet and looked around. "Ronald!" he called, as he saw his best friend and fellow Star Trek fanatic running towards him. With Ronald were two heavily armed human Space Marines who were waving their guns around as if daring more killer robots to come out of the undergrowth. Before the reunion could take place, the air was split by an ear- rending shrill scream. Norman clutched his ears, even as he recognized this hearing-damaging noise as well. Sure enough, he saw Kissy Hitowers a moment later. She had somehow gotten between the last remaining Arachno-Newton and Benjen, in such a way that it kept Benjen's attempted rescuers--Jerriphrrt and Gham, two more former Renegade Anarchists--from having a clean shot at the machine while simultaneously blocking Benjen's escape path. There was no doubt about it, he realized with pride--Ronald and he had chosen a Space Ingenue who knew her stuff. Norman knew it was time to do something heroic. It was his and Ron's senior Space Heroing project that had led to their hiring Kissy to be their Ingenue, and she had set them up so that the only way they could save her from a messy death would be to do something so unlikely to succeed that the odds were massively against it. With that in mind, Norman picked up the severed blade-leg of the Arachno-Newton that had threatened him, hoisted it over his head, let out his most heroic bellow, and ran at the robot threatening Kissy. Both the Arachno-Newton and Kissy stopped emitting their competing noises, regarding him with what Norman felt sure was amazement at his heroic recklessness. The Newton recovered first, raising two of its bladed legs into a position that Norman belatedly realized would both parry his blade and relieve him of his aching feet by removing everything below his knees. This failed to happen, if only because the blade of a laser sword emerged from the mouth of the Arachno-Newton. The machine sparked and hissed, then collapsed. Toni Williams, who was now standing behind it, withdrew her sword. Norman swung his blade down at the Newton anyway, if only because his momentum had decided that action for him. It clanged against the Newton's metallic hair-helmet, left Norman's hands and went flying. "Hey!" Benjen exclaimed, as the blade embedded itself in a tree trunk, just inches above his head. He considered the blade, gulped, and said 'hey' again, just in case he had not been clear before. Norman stumbled to a halt. He breathed hard, then looked up at Toni. "I would've got him," said Norman. "I know," Toni replied. He searched her eyes and expression for signs of derision, but she seemed utterly sincere. She even seemed unfazed by the fact that he was clad in beets. He heard footsteps to his left, then felt a hand on his back. "Norman, you okay?" Ronald asked. "That was great--kind of like Kirk in 'Amok Time,' you know?" Norman straightened, and beamed at his friend's compliment. His reply was cut short by a snort from Kissy. "My heroic rescuers," she said. "Thanks for reminding me to fill out my organ donor card. Another rescue like that and it'll see some use." "Look, Little Miss Hearing Loss," said Toni, "we were doing *fine* until you got into a mess. Why don't you walk your little pert behind over to the skiff where you'll be safe?" "Er, Toni," said Ronald. "She's *our* Ingenue." Toni looked at Kissy, who shrugged and nodded. "Right," she said. "Sorry. Instinct. Go on." Norman wondered how often such an Ingenue-poaching situation came up in the annals of Space Heroics, and how it got resolved. He soon found out, as Kissy wheeled on him and Ronald. "My 'pert little behind,'" Kissy went on, as if it had been Ronald or Norman she was quoting, "is the only reason you even had a shot at that thing. If it wasn't for me, you'd have been run through!" "Um," said Norman. Suddenly, the pressure was on. He thought, frantically, trying to come up with a suitable heroic response. "That's because our behinds aren't pert!" Ronald declared. Kissy's brow furrowed. Ronald elbowed Norman, and Norman realized he was trying to prod a followup heroic zinger out of him. "Yeah!" Norman said. "They're... um... they're Pert Plus!" Toni winced. Kissy looked as if her retort had gotten caught at the 'make sense of the Space Hero's statement' stage of her train of thought. Norman wondered if he should find a bush to hide under. "Hey!" someone yelled. Norman realized it was Jerriphrrt. "Kalvin's getting away!" Norman looked past Toni and Kissy in time to see a bacon-wearing figure dashing madly into a very foliage-clogged area of forest. He was followed closely by the massive mutant black cat Norman had seen earlier. "What happened?" Toni demanded, sounding simultaneously angry that her quarry was escaping and relieved that she did not have to witness more of a train wreck of a heroic repartee session. "There was a bagel floating up in the trees," said Gham. "Kalvin saw it and was off before we could stop him." "It was Shoon-Ma the ur-Bagel," Benjen added. "He's---" "Lucky!" Toni called into the forest. "Get back here!" She waited, then sighed. "Stupid cat. Wasn't supposed to even be on the skiff. Hope Captain Vogel wasn't too attached to him. Kalvin Certain's not important right now... stopping universal apocalypse is." "What's been going on?" Norman asked. "You have more marines with you?" At this point, a large wad of exposition occurred. Toni started it off, explaining as succinctly as possible how she came to be on Zeta Ricola Beta, investigating the prophecies concerning it, Shoon- Ma, and the Breaking of the Fast at the Dawn of the Universe. Jerriphrrt, Gham, and Benjen added details about how they had been minding their own business, salvaging derelict spaceships and such, and had gotten drawn into the mess by boarding the wrong ship at the wrong time. Ronald, Norman, and Kissy explained how Ronald and Norman's Senior Space Heroics Project had gotten them crossed with Kalvin Certain's henchmen and thus to Zeta Ricola Beta. The six space marines told moving stories about their Facebook settings that had nothing to do with the adventure at hand. Somehow, between them all, they managed to summarize large parts of Universal Solvents #1-22 in under six minutes, something the Author has never managed to do, which is why he is Telling and not Showing in this paragraph. At the end of the exposition, Norman thought of a pertinent question. "What now?" he asked. "Now," said Toni, "we've got to split up. If, as I suspect, Zark Flyby has been maneuvered into being Zeta Ricola Beta's Champion and/or Chosen One, we have to find him and take him down, assuming he hasn't already come into his power. I'll head that team. Ron, Norman, Kissy, you're with me." She gestured at three of the six marines. "You three as well." "And the rest of us?" Gham asked. "Stay with the original mission," said Toni. "Get to the Daaksvong complex. It won't be far from here. Find Sark Flyby--he's Zark's father, and the guy pulling his strings. Disrupt whatever he's doing." "We'll try," Jerriphrrt promised. "Um... do we get marines, too?" "Yes," said Toni. "The other three." "And waffles?" Benjen asked. The others glared at him. "What?" he added. "I missed breakfast." "Fix your lettuce," Jerriphrrt suggested. Benjen looked down, saw what the lettuce was not covering, and slapped his forehead. Norman, Ronald, Kissy, and the remaining marines watched as Jerriphrrt, Gham, Benjen, and three Space Marines slipped into the forest, with all the stealth that comes naturally to ex-Renegade Anarchists and Space Marines. Once the torrent of disturbed birds, squirrels, and other small animals subsided, Toni shook her head. Norman thought of another question. "How are we going to find Zark?" Toni and Ronald winced. A second later, a large portion of the forest in the opposite direction from which the others had gone erupted. They gaped as massive trees flew overhead. "Right," said Norman. He checked again to be sure his beet-suit was still mostly intact, then followed the others into the woods. -~-_- It was not a good day for running away from cosmically violent maniacs, Dr. Bing Von Spleen decided. For one thing, the weather was awful, in that it was raining trees. For another, he was sober, and thus had no chemically-induced delusions regarding his chances for survival to give him the maniacal disregard for probability that sometimes allowed him *to* survive certain death. For a third, he was wearing--thanks to the ABPSARI that had brought him to Zeta Ricola Beta--a suit made of fruit roll-ups, which were by now very sticky in unpleasant places. For a fourth, instead of having with him a competent Space Hero such as 357, who might reliably think of a way to take on the cosmic menace, he was with his carrot-tutu-wearing ex- assistant Sajon, who was, just as reliably, way out of his depth. The aforementioned cosmic menace, Zark Flyby, growled 'KILL!' again, then let loose another blast of power. It sheared through the air above him, blasting away more of the forest's trees. Von Spleen knew that Zark, while generally ultrastupid, was extremely competent in his chosen specialty, which was violence and mayhem, and that any deficiency in areas such as 'aiming' would be--as they always were with Zark--compensated for by 'overkill.' "We should split up, Doc!" yelled Sajon, who was a bit behind him. "He can only get one of us that way!" Von Spleen had already thought of that, but had not suggested it, as he had not come up with a way to guarantee that the one being 'got' would not be him. Instead, he tried another gambit, one only someone unable to outwit an anvil might fall for. "Wallaby!" he yelled, pointing to his left. A long moment passed, then the air was rent with the sizzling sound of another power blast. Trees well to Von Spleen's left exploded into splinters and chunks. "KILL!" yelled Zark, who was veering left. Von Spleen dared to hope he would escape-- "No, over here!" called a high-pitched voice. "They're right here, Zark!" Von Spleen looked up and snarled. The tiny robot TH1K1 flew overhead, staying close with Von Spleen. Von Spleen knew what he had heard had not actually been English; rather, it was a high-pitched burst of beeps and squiggles, translated by some drug-mutated part of his brain. He also knew why TH1K1 was doing this--he was a would-be homicidal maniac who saw in Zark an opportunity to actually succeed in causing death and mayhem for once. "Wretched robot!" Von Spleen yelled. "I'll get you yet!" Another blast hit trees nearby, as Zark corrected course and came after them again. This time, a tree trunk slammed down right in front of Von Spleen and Sajon, barely missing crushing them. Unfortunately, Von Spleen and Sajon could not barely miss running into it at full speed. "Whunf!" said the tree trunk. "Splat," said their bodies, as they fell back into the dirt. "Ow," said Von Spleen, as he struggled to his feet. "KILL!" roared Zark. "Not yet!" exclaimed Von Spleen, as he attempted to cover most of his body with his arms while simultaneously hiding behind Sajon. Sajon, for his part, was trying to remove the carrots that formed the collar of his unusual outfit from his face. Von Spleen waited for the end. And waited. And waited. "WHY NOT?" Von Spleen opened his eyes and looked up at Zark Flyby. Incredibly menacing and promising of violence in ordinary times, Zark had grown even more dangerous-looking in these cosmic times. Heat and light shimmered from his skin like smoke, obscuring most of his sizeable body--just as well, as Zark's clothing had been vaporized a long time ago, and Von Spleen had little wish for his last mortal sight to be of Zark au natural. "Um... because!" said Von Spleen. His mind raced. Zark was ultrastupid, and thus easily fooled, but there was a danger. Anything he tried that seemed like trying to dissuade Zark from violence would not work, because violence was Zark's first--and usually only-- solution to most situations he encountered. How he had become Time Police Academy Commandant was beyond Von Spleen, although he imagined it was to keep Zark away from positions where he might do even more damage--i.e. anywhere else. On the other hand, any suggestion that encouraged violence would not work, because even if it was directed at anything other than Von Spleen, the power at Zark's fingertips would likely do considerable damage just from proximity. "Because of the prophecy!" Sajon declared. The lad, Von Spleen observed, had gotten to his feet, and amazingly had spoken to Zark as if the man could not obliterate them at any second. "PROPHECY?" Zark asked. He was not shouting; Von Spleen assumed it was cosmic power that caused him to talk in all capitals. "Right," said Sajon. "You're with the Time Police, so you know all about prophecy and stuff, right? How you can't go against it, and have to do whatever it says?" "UM..." Zark started. "And the prophecy from this world says you have to face off against Shoon-Ma's Champion," Sajon went on. "Only once you defeat him can you go on to... I dunno... blow up the universe and stuff." Zark broadly smiled. Von Spleen guessed it was the thought of blowing up the universe that made him so happy. "SO WHO IS THE CHAMPION?" Zark asked. "Someone who lives fa--" started Von Spleen. "I am!" Sajon declared. Von Spleen wondered if Zark's ultrastupidity was rubbing off. Certainly Sajon had to be wondering that, as Zark's eyes narrowed, and his power rose. "But only after I *get* that power," Sajon went on. "I don't have it yet. Until I do, you can't go blowing stuff up or killing anybody. Says so in the prophecy. Right, Doctor?" "Er, right," said Von Spleen. He wondered what Sajon was playing at. "Which is why Doctor Von Spleen is going to hand over that pill now," said Sajon. He held out his hand in Von Spleen's direction. Von Spleen regarded it as if it were the hand of a bill collector or a D.E.A. agent. "What pill?" Von Spleen asked. "GIVE," Zark ordered. His eyes flared with raw power. "Eepyesssir!" Von Spleen replied, producing the Altoids box that he had earlier stowed the pink pill in. He popped it open and deposited the pill into Sajon's hand. It was the pinnacle of Von Spleen's spamological know-how; a shell containing a small quantity of Spam engineered by Von Spleen to remove all barriers between a sentient being and the primordial Spam that was the ur-substance of the universe. It had been further engineered so that only contact with Sajon's saliva could unlock the pill's cosmic-power-bestowing properties; a safeguard Shoon-Ma had forced him to include so that, if Von Spleen's ABPSARI-enforced sobriety wore off, he could not just take the pill and the power himself. He had earlier tried to get Sajon to take it, knowing exactly what his next move would be. It was still possible now, though having an uberviolent ultracosmic idiot standing just feet away itching for a fight made the move he was contemplating much harder. But running away, his favorite other option, was not feasible. So, Von Spleen thought, the hell with it. He waited for Sajon to lift the pill to his lips... ...then cried out, as Sajon threw the pill into the forest with all his strength. (continued in part two, following...) -- Copyright (c) 2011 Gary W. Olson, All Rights Reserved. -- Gary W. Olson swede at garywolson dot com Sfstory Archives: http://sfstory.garywolson.com/ SG/SF LiveJournal: http://superguy-list.livejournal.com/ SG/SF Dreamwidth: http://superguy.dreamwidth.org/ SG/SF Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=47273370926