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Thank You For All Of The E-Mail
Forwards...
1.
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one
about rat poop in the glue on envelopes
because I now have to use a wet towel with every
envelope that needs sealing.
2.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I
open for the same reason.
3.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a
sick girl (Penny Brown) who is
about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th
time.
4.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will
change once I receive the $15,000
that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me
for participating in their special
e-mail program.
5.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have
363,214 angels looking out for me,
and St.Theresa's novena has granted my every
wish.
6.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are
actually horrible mutant freaks with
no eyes or feathers.
7.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even
though I smell like a water buffalo
on a hot day.
8.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only
get answered if I forward an email
to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.
9.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola
because it can remove toilet
stains.
10.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man
along to watch the car so a serial
killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping
gas.
11.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the
people who make these products are
atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their
cans.
12.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because
it causes cancer.
13.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup
water in the microwave anymore
because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me
for life.
14.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS.
15.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone
will drug me with a perfume sample
and rob me.
16.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx
since they are actually Al Qaeda in
disguise.
17.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French
and don't support our American troops
or the Salvation Army.
18.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will
ask me to dial a number for which
I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
19.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will
change once I receive my free replacement
pair from Nike.
20.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman
Marcus since I now have their recipe.
21.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine
because a big brown African spider
is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death
when it bites my butt.
22.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy
Rooney has given us. I can live a better
life now because he's told us how to fix
everything.
23.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick
up $5.00 I dropped in the parking
lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting underneath my
car to grab my leg.
24.
Don't forget this one either...I can no longer
drive my car because I can't buy gas
from certain gas companies!
25.
And the one I love best!.... Don't go out to night
clubs because organ harvesters
will drug you and steal your kidneys
26.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000
people in the next 70 minutes,
a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head
at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the
fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing
you to grow a hairy hump. I know
this will occur because it actually happened to a
friend of mine's next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician...
Have a wonderful day....
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