for those who listened to my interview with marty beckerman months a go we
discussed craigslist, you can find some really strange stuff
tj
----- Original Message -----
From: "Farhan Khan" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
To: "talk2" <[email protected]>
Sent: Wednesday, November 29, 2006 5:38 AM
Subject: The Talk2 List Funny crap from craigs list
Hello talk2,
Last night, then this morning I went to craigslist.org. This Website has
personal adds, help wanted, and even an Dell inspiron 2500 laptop that
someone is selling besides me.
Below are funny as hell best of craigslist post, I hope you find these make
you piss your pants like I almost did.
To My Sexually Satisfied Neighbour.
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Date: 2006-10-30, 11:18AM PST
Dear Sexually Satisfied Neighbour:
I'd like to express my gratitude that your life has taken a turn for the
better and you are once again getting some. You are in fact, getting a lot!
After experiencing the not so gradual deterioration in your personal and
domestic welfare, I'm grateful for the relief from the fallout of your
depression following the split with your last boyfriend.
It was extremely sad that the break up coincided with the last hot spell. In
your depression it seemed you were unable to dispose of your garbage
appropriately, and took to leaving the bags on your balcony where they
proceeded to ripen very nicely. The only thing, or in this case, things,
preventing the crows from ripping into the bags was the sight of your two
dog-sized cats, perched and waiting for the opportunity to pounce.
This brings me to another point of gratitude. Thank you for finally cleaning
out your cats litter box!. Combined with the smell of ripe garbage, it was
drifting into my window and in the heat of summer ... need I say more? I'm
shocked your cats did not express their lack of appreciation and reward you
with parcels in inappropriate places. Or did they?
It was more than a little shocking to see a hot and dazzling beautiful woman
transform and lose her sheen and joie de vie! Dont get me wrong, you look
hot in Lululemon, but it should be freshly laundered Lulelemon. You can
definitely do the no make up thing and look hotter than hot. But you do need
to shower and wash your hair at the very least. I'm glad your depression is
over and you are once again taking care of your self and have found some one
who is also happy to take care of you. Evidently you and your new man are
very compatible and he has no problem locating your g-spot for you are once
again your beautiful glorious happy regular orgasmic self. Yeah for you!
It appears the new man in your life goes by the name of Oh Baby and that he
like to hear you scream his name at least three times a night. I hope you
and Oh Baby are happy for a long time as I much prefer to see a clean
balcony with a few plants on it. I really like being able to open my window
without having to test the air to see which direction the wind is blowing. I
also like the fact the the crows are no longer circling the area trying to
land on your balcony without falling prey to your massive cats
While I am glad you are once again being ecstatically fucked into blissdom,
you may want to consider closing the windows to your bedroom. The vigorous
thrusting and rutting is Olympic grade and the sessions are marathon.
Really, I am truly glad for you. However, as I am not directly involved and
it is a very regular occurrence, the titillation factor is rapidly
diminishing. As our bedrooms are back to back, I have taken to sleeping on
my couch in the living room so that there is more than a wall between the
sound of your head board hitting the other side of said wall and my ears.
Thank god I didn't cheap out and invested in a good couch Truly it is no
hardship to sleep there, albeit alone.
I'm looking forward to the next month of night shifts as it means I will be
able to once again sleep in my own bed without the lusty sound effects
intruding on my zzzzz's and making me painfully aware of my current monkish
state. I might even volunteer for a second month of nights in the hope that
you and Oh Baby will have gotten past this wildly exuberant intoxicating
infatuation phase to something less hectic, more heart based and designed
for long term love. Don't get me wrong, I want you to continue having wild
passionate sex: just something more conducive to living beside neighbours
who are not deaf.
In the meantime, please continue to enjoy fucking Oh Baby's brains out It
makes your skin glow and the spring in your step is delightful. It also
provides some great visuals for my morning jerk off in the shower sessions.
Profile Pet Peeves
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Date: 2006-10-09, 5:49AM EDT
This applies to Myspace, Facebook, AIM profiles, and any other online medium
where narcissistic young people like me represent themselves. If you have
one or more of the following statements in your profile, I probably hate
you. In no particular order:
1) People who say "music is my life," but don't play an instrument or sing
at all. Kind of lazy, no? Let me clue you in: your only relation to music is
that you consume it. You are to TV on the Radio what a geek is to Star Wars:
a hobbyist. Don't pretend to understand music you have no idea how to
perform or analyze just because you have a humanities degree.
2) People who say they enjoy "eating, hanging out, movies, going out with
friends." EVERYONE DOES THESE THINGS. Do you like sleeping? Me too! We
should totally hang out!
3) People who say that they hate "fake people and liars." It doesn't help
that they usually spell it "liers." Who ARE all these fake people running
around that I keep hearing about? If everybody hates fake people, then how
can there be anyone left to be fake? Maybe the fake people just don't have
Myspace pages. Yeah, that must be it.
4) People with kids. I don't mean to sound like a prude, but when you bring
a life into the world, the part of your life that involved Myspace is over.
Or at least it should be. It pains me to think of the rearing your child
will receive when his mom's profile still lists "clubbing and going out" as
interests and has "riding dirty" as its embedded song. And enough with those
creepy calendars that tell us how big the kid you are expecting has grown
to. I try not to think about what is going on inside a person's body until
I've at least met them in person.
(Side note: I haven't seen any yet, but it is inevitable that there will
soon be baby Myspace pages, i.e. mothers setting up accounts for their
babies and writing crap like "my mommy is typing this for me" in the "about
me" section. These children will have all their relatives and playdates
added as friends and will keep their accounts as they grow up and get old
enough to use it themselves. They will never remember not having a Myspace
page. This makes me fear for our nation's future.)
5) "You either hate me or love me." My attitude towards 99% of the people I
meet is "don't give a shit." To presume that you could command either my
hatred or affection is incredibly arrogant. It also means you're a drama
queen who can't stand to be ignored for five seconds.
6) "wut's up" You goddamned fucking retard. One letter cannot possibly cost
you enough time that it's worth sacrificing your dignity.
7) "I believe in (veganism, atheism, satanism, whatever). If you can't
handle that, then you don't need to read any further." Pretty much the same
as number 5. Stop trying to make your hobby sound like your life's consuming
passion; I bet half your friends don't even know about your -ism and they
"handle" you just fine. In fact, you're probably writing about it so
confrontationally because you don't have the spine to say such things in
real life to real people.
8) Jailbait. If you're 15 or under, then do us all a favor and get the fuck
off of Myspace. Now. Unless you like long van rides with forty year old
Harry Potter enthusiasts, no good can come of it. It's not just concern for
your safety that makes me say this; you are going through the stupidest
years of your life, and broadcasting them into cyberspace. If there was a
google-cached copy of all the idiotic things I wrote in my friend's year
books, I'd probably want to hang myself. Which brings us to...
9) Dead kids. Wow. You died. That sucks, it really does. Now could one of
your surviving relatives have the decency to take your page down? I know it
gives your friends a place to type that they "miss u so much" (Jesus the
Jew, can't you even spell correctly for your friend's EULOGY??), but you're
giving me the creeps, smiling at me from that profile picture like you're
still among the living. Exactly how long is your grieving family going to
leave that page up? Forever? Forever-ever? Ever-ever? I guess your friends
will finally have some closure on your death when they move you out of their
top 8. I just really hope that when I die, there won't be an eternal
monument to all the terrible bands I liked right before I kicked.
Well, there are more of these, but you get the point. Please, people,
remember that these websites are just shrines we set up for ourselves. The
more effort you put in to showing the world how unique you are is probably
proportionate to your superficiality and egotism. Just tell me enough
information to let me know if we could hang out. And don't worry, I'm not a
fake person. Or a lier.
The Girls I Have Dated
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2006-09-06, 10:30AM PDT
Mindy - You were my first and you said I was yours(?). It was thrilling
probably because it was new. Truth be told, I was in such a rush. I just
wanted to do it with somebody. I never would date you today. You are smart,
but very needy. I don't know why I still stay in touch with you.
Claire Bear - You were very unattractive, but your sister was cute. And yet
I chose to sleep with you. A pattern was starting to develop. Sorry if I
caused a problem between the two of you. Hope things turned out OK.
Mrs. Hahn - I don't even know your first name. But I don't feel badly
because I don't think you even knew you slept with me after that New Year's
Eve party, you were so drunk. Although you did insist I cum inside you. You
know something funny, I ran into you a few years ago. I saw you down by the
waterfront with your husband. I started chatting with you but you didn't
recognize me. You just thought I was a kind stranger. You're screwed up.
There are laws out there you know. I regret the sex even if you don't. Guess
I've changed a lot since I was 17.
Beth - My first slut. How many guys in the dorm did you do? Don't get me
wrong, you were great in bed, but it was a little unnerving every week
seeing a different guy coming out of your room. You were smart and sassy -
you should have respected yourself more. But thanks for the great BJs.
Judith - You were very unattractive. I slept with you because I thought
that's the best I deserved. I see now that I was lacking in self esteem. But
still, you smelled wonderful and I think you are a good person. You could
lose some weight, but it wouldn't really matter because you would still be
ugly. Sorry about pissing in your mouth. I liked it, but I don't think you
did.
Kim - My fellow lab intern. You met me one day and came on to me. You asked
me over for dinner and we fucked. Can I tell you the truth, it was like a
Seinfeld episode - I didn't know your name. Yeah, you told me that
afternoon, but I had forgotten. I had to check your time card the next
morning in the lab. The sex was uneventful. I think you just wanted to
betray some boyfriend. I didn't really care.
Anabelle - You are one weird chick. You are the shyest person I've ever met.
Kinda odd seeing that your father is such a well-known bigshot. I don't
think you are a bad person, but so socially awkward. You need to read a
romance novel or rent a sexy movie or something. You know, it's OK to move
while having sex. I got the sense you stayed so still because you didn't
want me to notice I was fucking you, for fear that I'd run out of the room.
I dunno, maybe I would have. You're academically very smart, now apply those
brains to your personal life and stay away from people like me.
Jackie - I could write a book on you, but no one would believe it. You were
filled with conflict. You were an anorexic who became fat. You were
brilliant, yet flunking out of Grad School. You were a lesbian sleeping with
a man. Oh, you so hated men and tortured them in much the same way that I
began to realize that I hated women. Was that our bond? Anyway, the dialog
was incredible - Art History, Mathematics, speaking French all the time. The
sex was incredible too. You taught me everything. Unfortunately I later
found out that you were teaching the whole dorm everything. Great sex, but
such a bad person. Ug, the number of times I spontaneously showed up at your
room, only to find your diaphragm was already in place. Yeah right: "I
thought you might come over." Can you tell me how many times I ate your
pussy after a guy had creamed in it 2 hours earlier?
Carla - You were so vulnerable. You would do anything to have a man in your
life. You needed more self worth. Why would you sleep with me knowing Jackie
was in the room next door? Why did you let me finger you under the table
knowing she was sitting across from us. Yeah, I was beginning to realize
what a dog I was, but you still allowed me to get away with it. All these
years later, I looked you up on the interent and found you live with your
mother. Time's ticking. You gotta start standing up for yourself. BTW, the
sex was terrible!
Kessie - What God sent you to me? I was a rat-assed, foul smelling dog. And
you came along and believed in me. You were a virgin. You were the
Valedictorian. You were such a skilled debater and writer. Sex with you
started a little slow, but boy were you a good learner. I should have
married you back then. I blew it. All my fault. As you could see from my
history, I had a little problem respecting women. The undergrad psych major
in you pointed to my mother. I think the scientific term you used was
"psycho bitch". I'm so sorry Kessie that you got to see all that family
stuff. You were the one. And I let you go. I know you still care about me
because you'll always call me on my birthday to wish me well. Last time, I
heard you lie to your husband, telling him it was your brother on the phone.
Thank you.
Abby - You were Kessie's best friend since you were both 10 years old. Why
would you let me seduce you? Yes, I take most of the responsibility, but why
would you constantly come over and tell Kessie all the sordid details about
how you were cheating on your husband - all the details except the part
where you were doing all this cheating with me, Kessie's fiancee. You're as
twisted as me. Think about that. In the evenings, after you were gone,
Kessie would excitedly retell the story of your naughty adventures that day.
But she didn't know the punchline, that the male in the story was her own
boyfriend. Shakespeare couldn't have come up with a more ingenious plot
twist. BTW, the sex with you was the best ever. The dirty things you would
say still make me come today. You are brilliant. Sick, but brilliant.
Kira - You were a receptionist from Queens that I picked up at McSorelys. I
was so angry that day. And just wanted to fuck somebody. You should really
consider choosing better sex partners.
Paula - I'm just not ready to say anything here. I'll give this one sentence
and then move on. You are my s****r and that should never have happened.
Rebecca - You are low-life trailer trash, but with a sparkly edge. If you
had been born into privilege, you would have gone to Harvard and become a
bigshot CEO. I hope good things happen to you. BTW, I still fantasize about
that night we had sex in front of your friends. Wow!
Toni - All summer long you kept making a dumb joke about how the Hampton's
rule book says you must wait until after Labor Day. So the day after Labor
Day I banged you and never called you again. Kinda wasted my entire summer -
except that after I dropped you off each night and you'd give me that
ridiculous kiss on the cheek while wagging your finger, "No, no no. Not
until after Labor Day", I'd go over and fuck Rebecca's brains out. I'll bet
you're now married, living on Park Avenue and your husband hates you. Never
want to see you again. "No, no, no. Not until after I'm dead!"
? - For 3 nights in a row, during that week after Labor Day - after everyone
else had ended their season and gone back to New York City, I see you
hanging around outside that Hampton's bar at closing time, sitting on the
fence post. You tried to make it look like you were waiting for your ride,
but you fooled nobody. At first I thought you might be a hooker, but then I
realized you were too unattractive for anybody to pay. By the third time I
saw you there, I recognized the look - I knew you were just a desperate
woman wanting to hear something that no one was ever going to be able to
tell you. So I offered you a ride, spent about $5 at 7-11 to buy some beers
and fucked you doggie style because I didn't want to see your face. You were
in need. I was in need. I never even asked your name. After I gave you a
ride home, I went over the bridge and drove down Dune Road for maybe a mile.
The road was deserted and dark. I pulled over and just sat there. I didn't
want to go back to the beach house. I didn't want to go back to New York
City. So I just sat there. I think maybe I wanted to cry - I didn't - I
haven't cried since 3rd grade when my mother drove away. So no I didn't cry.
But I sat there until the sun came up.
Suzie - After that crazy Hampton's summer, I really began to hate myself. So
I kept myself in lockdown and spent the next two years taking my work very
seriously. No sex at all. Then out of the blue, I met you on a elevator.
That must have been fate. Think of how difficult it is to make a connection
on a 30 second elevator ride. But somehow it happened. You were a wonderful
person. You were beautiful, funny and kind. Your pubic hair was magically
soft. I just wasn't ready to start again. Sorry. Wish you well.
Ellen #1 - You were an annoying Jap. You were ugly. Your tits sagged. Sex
was atrocious! Hey, I know the saying is "Suck my dick" - but you took it
too literally. Don't just put it in your mouth and make a sucking sound.
Oh...never mind...go watch a porn movie. Can't believe I waited two years
for this? And the 2nd time you came over, you brought your contact lens
solution and 2 business suits! What? Who invited you to move in? I should
never have fucked Ashley, because it re-opened the flood gates and you
washed in.
Ellen #2 - You made me both excited and sad. You were constantly trying to
get in with the right crowd. Get it into your head already: You are not
attractive, they do not want you in their clique. You mother obviously drank
when she was pregnant because you have that classic scrunched fetal alcohol
symptom face. But you kept trying, to the point of desperation. My God! You
went to an Ivy League College, but you'd suck your doorman if he got you
into the right club. All that said, you did provide some wicked sex.. That
time in the sand dunes when we fucked and that total stranger came up to
watch and you started jerking him off. And that time in front of your
sister? What the fuck was that? I probably jerk off to your memories more
than anyone else.
Hanna - You were the most boring girl I've ever endured. Who goes shopping
for a pen? You want a pen, look between my couch pillows. There are a dozen
pens in there. What a painfully dull bitch you are. And the sex was
embarrassing. I cum on your face and you pat my back saying, "There, there.
That's OK. Accidents happen." News flash, I came on your face to degrade
you. And you react like a mother soothing a child with a scraped knee.
You're boring and you're an idiot!
Ina - I thought you were an exotic beauty from Turkey. But you were really
just a bitchy Staten Island girl hiding in the exotic body of a foreign
national. You had the most sexual look, but you had no idea how to use it.
It was like a Ferrari was given to a 12 year old without a driver's license.
And maybe it was a cultural thing, but do you realize that I can pick out my
own shirts? And I know how to choose an item from the menu. You were
constantly trying to dictate everything. You suffocated me. I could have
tolerated you more if the sex was better, but it wasn't. I'm not surprised
you are still single. Go back to Turkey and suffocate your own kind.
Chelsea - I met you at a party, two hours later, you stripped for me. You
seemed neurotic to the point of flaky. You called me 2 months later to say
you had an ovarian cyst and you wanted to know if I caused it? Yeah, I did -
just after I disrupted the Earth's magnetic field. Flake.
Karena - That was gross, you had more facial hair than me. And you were such
a whacko. Believing yourself to be an artist. Your art was shit. And your
meditation. And the vegetarian thing. You were much older than me. I thought
that could be fun. But you got off the bus in the '60s and stayed there. And
what's more, the sex was so dull and your apartment smelled like cat piss.
Meagan - You are the poster child of what can go wrong with long term use of
prescription drugs. You are destined to forever be medicated. Here are some
things you shouldn't do: Don't turn to the table next to us in a restaurant
and ask if the fellow is done with his cake. I don't know who was more
horrified when you ate it, me or him. And don't take a leak in a subway car.
Even the homeless know how to hold it better than you. I can only imagine
that was the drugs fucking up your frontal lobe. But I will say something
kind about you. You loved it in the ass, "Yes, fuck me in the ass! Fuck me
deep and make it hurt!" You were at least good for something.
Chrissie - All right, this is a bizarre one. You are smart. You are pretty.
You are successful. But never ever should you sleep with a guy and then tell
him the next morning that your last boyfriend died of AIDS. That was a
dickish thing to do. I never wanted to go near you again.
Wendy - Picked you up on an Amtrak train. You were dull, but I went along on
the ride for a while, mainly because I thought your mother was hot. I was
actually hoping for a chance to bang her. She certainly had more personality
than you. Hey, some sexual advice. It is not a lollipop. You don't hold it
by the stem and lick it. Go ask your mother.
Carol - I had a live-in girlfriend at the time, so I couldn't take you to my
place. You had roommates who knew my live-in girlfriend, so we couldn't go
to your place. So I took the spare key to my girlfriend's father's apartment
because I knew he only used it a few times a month. DAMN! That was so
embarrassing - to find his potential son-in-law in HIS bed with a woman who
wasn't his daughter. I'm sorry about that. You seemed nice, but after that
incident I just had to hide from everyone.
Tessa - You were on the cruise ship because you were afraid to take the
plane to Europe. You took me to your cabin, but you were afraid of catching
a disease, so we watched each other jerk off. That was hot. Too bad we never
met up again. My guess was that you were afraid of too many things in life.
But still, I loved that jerk off thing and have done it many times since. A
lot of girls get into it. Thanks.
Vivian - I met you at that party and we fucked later that night. And I got
the definite sense you were using me to get back at some boyfriend. Don't do
that. That kind of behavior is reserved for pricks like me.
Dr. Lara - You are a doctor. And on the first date, you asked me to fuck you
in the ass. Didn't you learn anything in Med School about Safe Sex? Other
than the ass part, you were dull. You kinda reminded we of someone who went
to Band Camp. And what's with the beret. You look like some 1970s graduate
of the Lycee Francaise. You are such a dork.
Holly - You were great. Smart. Good looking. Such a part of Grand New York,
with your cocktail parties and benefit dinners. Remember that time you
introduced me to your friend Anna? I talked to her for hours, exchanging
stories. As she was leaving, I told her she should be a writer. She laughed.
Later that night you told me her full name - Anna Quindlen. OK, I'm a jerk.
I'm not sure why it didn't work out with you. Maybe your family was too
rich. People might have called me a gold digger. So I walked away.
Irene - I lied to you. I just wanted to get into your pants and fuck you.
And as soon as I did, I dumped you and made you cry. I didn't really care.
But I've always wondered though, why did you insist that we fuck in your
roommate's bed? Why did you insist I use your roommate's vibrator on you? I
think you're a closet lesbian.
Nancy - You are a sexual weirdo. You take me home. I suck on your pussy til
you come. Then you ask me to leave. Next date, same thing. So I asked our
mutual friend, your ex. He said you did the same thing with him. I mentioned
to our other friend in Seattle, same thing. You have some sexual baggage
going on there, don't you. But no matter, I didn't really like you. I just
wanted to see your pussy so I could talk to my friends about you.
Uma - Skinny as can be, red pussy hair and enormous tits. I still have that
vision of you on all fours with me banging you from behind - your tits
swaying, the size of bowling balls. I jerk off to you sometimes. Too bad you
were a bitch.
Rosemary - You are that typical fat girl who over compensates by trying to
be too social. And to be 33 and still a virgin. That is fucked up. Thanks
for the BJ, but I just couldn't be the one to pop your cherry. I heard that
you lost the weight. That was good. Then I heard you died of cancer. That
was bad. Sorry.
Olivia - You were Rosemary all over again. Why do fat girls date me and then
when I dump them, they lose 50 lbs and try to turn their lives around. I
should market myself as a diet plan. But I loved the way you swallowed my
cum. You really knew how to play with it.
Sue - You were old, I was drunk. I should have just masturbated that night.
But my mother was in the hospital and I didn't want to be alone. I never
think about you.
Theresa - You were so sexy hot. We went on a hike and you took your shirt
off. And when we passed other hikers, you just smiled and said hello. So
hot. Sorry I came inside you. I know that freaked you out.
Ruthie - I think that car accident when you were 22 gave you brain damage.
You were a math major in college, but 10 years later you couldn't finish a
fucking sentence: "I can. I can finish a - hey, is it rain- I'm sleepy." I
dunno, you were like a character from a Simpsons episode, saying
off-the-wall things all the time, but not realizing how ridiculous they
sounded to the rest of us. "Starsky and Hutch, that's a kind of ice cream
isn't it?" And sex with you was like something from a bad tv sitcom. I'm
banging your pussy. I'm staring at your beautiful face. I'm about to come,
when you look deep into my eyes and say, "You know, tomorrow, I think I'll
wear that green dress with the brown belt." Externally you were beautiful.
Internally, I think your brain had turned to apple sauce.
Isabelle - Ug. You are not in my masturbation fantasies. You are not in
anyone's masturbation fantasies. I thought I'd feel guilty about being your
first. I knew when I popped you that I'd never see you again. But in the
end, I didn't care. Maybe you should get a tattoo or something. Anything
that might give you the sex appeal you so desperately need.
Ilyssa - I'm not sure what to say. I certainly can't get mad at you. It was
all my doing. You worked in the cafeteria in my office building. You had a
strangely deformed face. Your chin was too long. Your cheekbones weren't
symmetrical. And you were overweight. I saw you leaving the building that
day. I shouldn't even have been there, but I didn't want to go to the
hospital and I didn't want to go to the office. I took you home and we
fucked.
You know what I remember most about you? It wasn't your twisted face. It
wasn't your sickeningly artificial childish mind set - "So I said to him I
said, first of all, like ...whatever!" What I remember about you most was
the disturbing image of removing you pants and seeing the inches of curly
black pubic hair poking out in all directions from your hole-ridden panties.
I'm guessing you didn't have any visitors down there for a while and
certainly weren't expecting anyone that day.
Maybe when you were 16, you kept yourself well groomed, thinking you might
meet a nice man and have a relationship. But as the years went by and nobody
called, you let yourself go. And here you were at 35 years old. Deformed and
alone. Ug, you were so grotesque that I should have run away. But that was
it wasn't it? You were so grotesque I couldn't stop looking. You were my
goal - the most vile looking woman ever splayed out before me in all of your
naked glory. Wanting me. Needing me.
God, you remined me of all women. Like how could she fucking do that? I mean
what mother would drive off and as her final parting words say to a 10 year
old, "You know, it's your fault I'm leaving." I hated you so much that I
never wanted to see you again. Why did you have to show up again all those
years later? Why? You are my mother and what was I supposed to do? Fuck you
bitch! FUCK YOU BITCH!
***************
That's it. Well, at least those are the ones I can remember.
And now? Now, I don't sleep with anyone. It has been 4 years, cold turkey. I
dunno. Everytime some friend tries to set me up on a date, I have this
flashback to that no-name girl sitting on the fence post outside that
Hampton's bar. The one I fucked, but didn't want to see her face. I think of
that girl and then politely decline the offer of a date. It sounds hard not
to have sex, but actually, it's just easier.
You know what Kessie would say - my true love who I should have married all
those years ago - you know what she would say? She would wave her psych
degree in my face and say, "When was the last time you slept with a girl?
And when was it that your psycho-bitch mother died? Hmmm, what an
interesting coincidence."
Yeah, I dunno. It doesn't matter. I like my job. I like my friends. Maybe
one day I'll go on a date again, but no rush.
To The Creepy Guy At The Nude Beach...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2006-08-31, 12:16AM EDT
Ok so i guess its expected, you'll find some creepy people at the nude
beach...its a freaking NUDE beach right? Mostly perverts and old men. Ok
fine. My boyfriend and I were on a date before he left to work overseas. We
were riding our bikes along the trails on the island. The perfect date. ahh
the sun was shining, the sky was blue and i just washed my hair with that
new herbal shampoo. we notice a sign "nude beach" this way. we figure why
the fuck not? so we venture forth. we agree before hand, "we'll just stay
WAY off to the side we can swim in our undies and just leave, noone will bug
us" sweet zombie Jesus were we wrong. you my friend creeped us out far
before you said anything. Standing oddly close to us, though there was
plenty space for you to be away from the "action" and us as well. no no. you
had to be right there! so you proceeded to stretch and get limbered up for a
nice nude jog. *eww* so fine my bf and i exchange some uneasy looks but
decide to continue with our rock skipping. ahh we should have run. run far
and fast when we had the chance. Now we remain scarred for life. *Sigh* so
anyways we continue...ahh weird guy. So you decide to remove the already
"leaving-little-to-the-imagination" blue shorts. Well you were hard. But, no
that wasn't the worst. Naturally my bf became very uptight after several
stern looks we went to grab our jeans *we were in long t-shirts and undies*
you decided to exercise nude. Bending so youre uhh..."back button" was in
clear view. CLEAR view. Someone didn't wipe properly... so we went over to
our bikes and began to furiously unlock them. You, apparently oblivious to
our distress, began to talk to us,
Nude Guy- "Am I making you feel uncomfortable?"...
BF-"OH...NO...NOT AT ALL!"(My boyfriend replied sarcastically)
NG-"so you guys going to get nude?...
ME-"NO"...
NG-"oh you guys shy? Yeah me too, thats why Im over here"
(Yeah not because there are two young people *we look about 16* "talk about
a predator")
BF-*yeah we just didn't want to swim in our undies at the normal beach and
theres no way we arent getting naked, so yeah..."
NG-"yeah yeah...uhh so you guys adventurous or anything...?
ME- "adventurous?"
nude guy: "yeah like i know this girl, nice girl huge boobs, maybe we could
like swap?"
BF-"you wanna take my gf? What the-"
NG-"Well are you bi-sexual at all?"
(at this point let me just tell you his penis has been fluctuating in
hardness. its kind of pointing and then drooping, then kind of erect and
waiving about and then soft and twitching... at the mention of bi-sexual i
thought it was going to knock the wind out of him. Ive haven't seen
anything snap into action that fast since Valentines Day 2003...but thats
another story;) )
Bf: NO
NG: oh...
(His penis almost falls off, I havent seen anything die that fast since my
mom walked in on us...but thats another story)
NG: well how about if I give you my number and we hook up some other time?
ME: yeah I left my pen and paper over there, so uh, let me just
go...get
yeah
Grabbed the bikes and booked it, well Ill never be the same and my
boyfriend has been damaged, thoroughly
Id just like to thank you nude guy.
You fucking ruined the last time I got to see my boyfriend. Before he left.
And the best part? The best part you sick prick. I didnt even get good-bye
Sex! You bastard, you deprived me of my so long bang! your ogling him and
bending and gyrating just killed our sexual urges. Its been about 3 weeks
and only my vibraters are there to comfort me. I hope youre happy you sick
crusty fuck! I hope you get raped
TWICE. (but then again youd probably like
it)
--
Best regards,
Farhan mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]
