From the Honorable Minister of Delicate Instruments
TO MISS LANTERN
My dear friend,
Believe me that I was sincerely afflicted when I learned of the
loss you have suffered: a steam powered urinal is not easily replaced.
Yours, which
had among other peculiarities, the ability to sing the Marseillaise when
in use, was certainly worthy of the esteem you bestowed upon it. So, it
is easy
for me to understand the despair that your sister felt when it became
evident that the urinal was definitely lost. Nevertheless, from that to
suicide is
quite a step! And, although I know that many fond memories were
associated with its possession, I cannot but condemn such a fatal
resolve. But this censure
does not prevent me from profoundly deploring her sad end. A suicide is
always, for those close to the deceased, a tragic and agonising event;
but when
it is accomplished by the means of jam, one cannot be less than
terrified. Never would I have believed that your sister could resolve to
die embedded in
a vat of jam! And yet, all those unlucky enough to befriend her knew of
her most morbid attraction to jam, even in jars. Do you remember how she
could
not contain herself when she saw it with desserts, how she had to
caress it before even serving herself? Numerous incidents of this nature
should have
aroused our suspicions; but, blind that we were, we never understood
their profound significance. Nonetheless, I shiver at the thought of how
her last
moments must have been.
Please believe me that I share your pain and approve of your
descision to banish jam from your life. This is a healthy reaction and I
can only commend
it from the bottom of my heart. It demonstrates both your determination,
and your courage in overcoming pain as well as your instinct for
self-preservation.
I am truly glad, that without jam, you do not, indeed, risk letting
yourself be compelled to follow the example of your sister.
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