To say "that's amazingly funny," would be an understatement.
----- Original Message -----
From: Venison88a
To: talk2
Sent: Monday, January 05, 2009 6:07 PM
Subject: The Talk2 List Fw: A Christmas Giggle
This was too funny not to pass along.....
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel
contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.
As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose
over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to
fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true
because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed,
his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on
sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell
those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If
you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself.
I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding
me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a
passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many
different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could
do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable
Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a 'doll' took
a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump,
Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during
the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the
dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some
cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went
home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been
to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the
dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the
rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the
door.
'What the hell is that?' she asked.
My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'
'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped. I
kept my mouth shut.
'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.
'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer
her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was
Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang
on Granny, hang on!'
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight,
sidled up to me and said,
'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she
was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized
this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who
had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a
noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the
mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran
across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny
threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough
examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that
Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to
perfect health.
I can't wait until next Christmas.
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