Definitely off topic but so funny I could not see through my tears from laughing. Fritz
Sent from my iPhone Begin forwarded message: > From: June Levy <[email protected]> > Date: March 7, 2014 10:02:51 PM CST > To: Fritz Holt <[email protected]> > Subject: Fwd: You will be crying at the end! > > > > Sent from my iPhone > > Begin forwarded message: > >> From: Gracie Terrill <[email protected]> >> Date: March 7, 2014 7:08:02 PM CST >> Subject: Fwd: You will be crying at the end! >> >> >> I was crying at the end. Too funny. >> Sent from my iPad >> >> Begin forwarded message: >> >>> >>> For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. We >>> actually have a Chili Cook-Off about the time Halloween comes around. It >>> takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. >>> >>> Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting >>> from Springfield, IL. >>> >>> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili >>> cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I >>> happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to >>> the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other >>> two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, >>> besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so >>> I accepted." >>> >>> Here are the scorecard notes from the event: >>> >>> CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI >>> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. >>> Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. >>> Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could >>> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames >>> out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. >>> >>> CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI >>> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. >>> Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. >>> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm >>> supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to >>> give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw >>> the look on my face. >>> >>> CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI >>> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. >>> Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. >>> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels >>> like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get >>> me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my >>> back-bone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from >>> all the beer. >>> >>> CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC >>> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. >>> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or >>> other mild foods, not much of a chili. >>> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to >>> taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was >>> standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to >>> look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? >>> >>> CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER >>> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding >>> considerable kick. Very impressive. >>> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit >>> the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. >>> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I >>> can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed >>> paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her >>> chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by >>> pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my >>> lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop >>> screaming. Screw those rednecks. >>> >>> CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY >>> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of >>> spices and peppers. >>> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. >>> Superb. >>> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, >>> sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will >>> eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except >>> that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass >>> with a snow cone. >>> >>> CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI >>> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. >>> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of >>> chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried >>> about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing >>> uncontrollably. >>> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I >>> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds >>> like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which >>> slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my >>> shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've >>> decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any >>> oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole >>> in my stomach. >>> >>> CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI >>> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold >>> but spicy enough to declare its existence. >>> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor >>> hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed >>> out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure >>> if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to >>> really hot chili? >>> Judge # 3 - No Report >>> >>> >>> >>> >>> >>> >>> >>> >>>
