Amen!!! Can we trade ³David from the Future² for our present-day ³David the well-meaning but compulsive OT Spammer²?
On 5/20/11 3:00 PM, "David Locklear 2035" <[email protected]> wrote: > David, > > It's me, David, from the future. > > It's taken the better part of a decade to do this, but I'm sending this from > the future to tell you... to tell me... that something awful has happened. > Things haven't been the same since Tzar Zuckerberg of Facebook merged Wal-Mart > with the Department of Defense, but aside from the general hardship of life in > the year 2035, sending an e-mail back in time is just not an easy task. I > won't go into all the details, but it took 1.21 jigalumens of LED light and a > 17th generation Facebook Blackberry to do it. > > You wouldn't believe the inaccurate treatment of caving in all the movies and > shows I watch on Facebook. I've compiled a spreadsheet of all the ones I've > encountered and will be sending that back in time also, once I can stockpile > enough AA batteries to do so. > > Getting back to the reason I'm sending this... It's me. I mean you. It's us, > David. I've seen the error of our ways. Ever since the exodus of 2012, Texans > don't cave anymore. Nobody knew about the trips anymore because everyone quit > the TexasCavers e-mail list. If only they'd switched to Facebook. Tzar > Zuckerberg's mandate of 2017 made it illegal to quit Facebook. They'd all > still be connected, and we'd be caving right now, or at least talking on > Facebook about caving trips a few of us went on in the 1970s. > > The point is that I ruined it. You ruined it. We spammed Facebook with the > most banal off topic minutia of our life and everyone left. Once everyone was > off the list, they all just forgot about caving all together. I, you, > collected thousands of flashlights and headlamps for the day when caving came > back, but it never did. It had been like a game figuring out how to make my > mundane passing thoughts tangentially related to caving in whatever irrelevant > manner possible. If I'd wanted to dispatch a manifesto on bathroom tissue, I > would have, because bowel movements do not stop for caving, and one time, > while caving, I thought I might need to make a burrito bag, but alas, I did > not. The threat was real, though, this I assure you. > > What the e-mail list should have been used for all along is simply dispatching > information about upcoming caving trips, sharing trip reports from recent > caving trips, and hosting the occasional meaty conversation about a cave > related topic such as cave geology, biology, safety, even a Werner Herzog film > about a cave. > > It's time to stop using this e-mail list as a vanity fueled megaphone for our > ramblings. Maybe our closest friends care about all we have to say, but those > people out there on the e-mail list aren't all our closest friends. Many of > them have never even met us. I see now that sending e-mails like that out just > damages the community because we're running people off who might otherwise > participate in this list if it weren't congested with our terrible posts. If > we stop now, in the year 2011, which the great exodus looming, maybe caving > can be saved. I really want to have a use for all these flashlights and > headlamps. > > Although, on the topic of bathroom tissue, if you ever need any, I highly > recommend Facebook Brand Bum Wipes. They're strong, and absorbent. I haven't > had any of them tear on me yet. They could be softer, but I'll take utility > over comfort any day. I've pushed the LIKE button on their Facebook page, and > I recommend that all of you do too. > > David Locklear > CEO of Natufest International, > A subsidiary of The People's Republic of Facebook > > P.S. You all should really go on Facebook and download the new Wu-Tang single > when it comes out in 2020. I listened to it the other day while looking at my > old caving photos on Facebook (which makes it on topic) and it's really > excellent. I never thought I'd like Classical Music, but the gunshot sound > effects on this one really are sublime. Also, in the early nineties they were > considered 'undgeround' and caving is an underground activity. So it's doubly > on topic. > > P.P.S. I'm going to go Facebook my Facebook Facebook. Facebook. >
