> If you bite the hand that feeds you, it won't taste as good as > the food you were fed. > > How to Give a Cat a Pill
> 1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as > if holding a baby. > > Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's > mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in > right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. > Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. > > 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle > cat in left arm and repeat process. > > 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. > > 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, > holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and > push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth > shut for a count of ten. > > 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of > wardrobe. Call spouse or significant other in from the garden. > > 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold > front and rear paws. > Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head > firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop > pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. > > 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. > Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and > repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases > from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. > > 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with > head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of > drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down > drinking straw. > > 9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and > drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's > forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. > > 10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. > > Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and > close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open > with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. > > 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on > hinges. > Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. > Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last > tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss > back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from > bedroom. > > 12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top > of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed > into fence while swerving to avoid cat. > > Take last pill from foil wrap. > > 13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little > *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind > tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by > large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head > vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill > down. > > 14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the > emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and > forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture > shop on way home to order new table. > > 15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call > local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. > > How To Give A Dog A Pill > > 1. Wrap it in bacon. > > 2. Toss it in the air.
