good ones but sadly the way we handled the evidence related to mumbai terror we have become the laughing stock of the world.
--- On Fri, 17/4/09, Raman K <[email protected]> wrote: From: Raman K <[email protected]> Subject: Pak jokes.....enjoy.... To: Date: Friday, 17 April, 2009, 1:29 AM Paki Jokes How do you stop a Pakistani tank ? >Shoot the men who are pushing it. How do you disable Pakistani missiles ? >Cut the rubber band. Have you ever seen Pakistani war heroes ? >Neither has Pakistan. Did you hear about the other latest Pakistani invention ? >The new automatic parachutes. They open on impact. How do you sink a Pakistani battleship? >Put it in water. Did you hear about the 747 jet which Crashed into a cemetery in Karachi ? >The Pakistani officials have so far recovered 3000 bodies. Did you hear about the Pakistani admiral who had asked to be buried at sea? >Five Pakistani sailors died digging his grave. Did you hear about the shutdown of the Karachi National Library ? >Somebody stole the book. You're locked in a room with Saddam Hussein, Adolf Hitler, and a Pakistani. You have a gun with ONLY two bullets.What do you do? >Shoot the Pakistani twice to make sure he's dead. What's brown and black and looks great on a Pakistani? >A Doberman. How can you tell when a Pakistani is lying? >His lips are moving. What do you have when a Pakistani is buried up to his neck in sand? >Not enough sand. Did you Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of Pakistanis? >He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met!!!!!!! *** A small plane is flying with an american pilot and has three passengers - Atal Bihari, a Paki and a schoolboy with his backpack. Mid way the plane catches fire and the american says -" Hello, this is ur captain speaking, the plane is on fire. Don't panic because there is good news and bad news. Good news is that there are parachutes but the bad news is that there are only three and iam taking one" so he picks up a parachute and he jumps. Paki says to ABV and the schoolboy- " I need to bring the joy of jihad to this infidel world. And iam taking this one." so he picks and jumps. ABV says to the schoolboy - " Allright son, I am old and I did the service for my motherland. U r young and have pletny of life ahead. So why don't u take the other parachute and jump?" Schoolboy says: " Don't worry Atalji, we still have 2 parachutes. That Paki grabbed my backpack and jumped off." *** In order to develop friendly relationship between the two countries, Vajpayee and Parwez Musharraf decided to visit each other`s country regularly. The first visit was by Vajpayee to Pakistan. Musharraf showed him Pakistan`s modern Tele-communication system. It was so good that Vajpayee made a call to an old friend in hell and talked to him for 5 minutes! The bill for the call came to only 5 Rupees. When Vajpayee returned, he too wanted India`s Tele-communication systems to be at their best when Musharraf visited India. Suitable arrangements were made for the same. Musharraf came to India, visited the telecom department and then spoke with an old friend in hell for 5 minutes. However, this time, the bill was 500 Rupees! Musharraf asked with a sarcastic smile, "Why are telephone calls to hell so costly in India?" A High level diplomat gave a cool reply, "From Pakistan to hell, it is a local call, Sir, while from India it is long distance!" *** So once three scientists american, japanese, and pakistani are discussing their nation's scientific capability, and the american says, "In our country there was this boy who lost his legs in an accident, and we put artificial ones, and today u know hes an olympic gold medalist!" so the japnese laughs and says, "This is nothing.in our nation there was this boy who lost his hands and legs in accident and we put artifical ones, and today u know, hes karate champion!" so the paki laughs and says, "These are nothing, in our nation there was this boy who had no brains, and so we put a coconut in his head, and today u know......hes the 'Military rule of pakistan!" *** There's an Indian cricket fan, a Pakistani cricket fan and a beautiful woman sitting next to each other on a train. The train goes through a tunnel and everything gets dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!! The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Indian fan are sitting there looking perplexed. The Pakistani fan is bent over holding his which is red from an apparent slap. The Pakistani fan is thinking "Oh God, that Indian must have tried to kiss this lady, she though it was me and slapped me." The lady is thinking, " That Pakistani fan must have moved to kiss me and kissed the Indian fan instead and got slapped." The Indian fan was thinking to himself...."If the train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Pakistani again." *** Scene: trench warfare on Pakistan border, Sikh regiment on one side, suddenly Kartar Singh gets a bright idea, shouts! "Oye Abdul!" Guy pops up from other trench "Kya hai be" BANG shot dead! "Oye Karim" 2 guys stand up, "Kya hai saala" BANG BANG both khalaas. "Oye Mustafa!" 2 more, BANG-BANG! dono saale khalaas! Pakis get worried, they think saala Sardarji log, when did they get so smart? Decide to try it themselves. "Abe Gurdev Singh".... silence. "Oye Gurdev Singh!!".... silence. "O bhai, Gurdev Singh!" "Oye Gurdev Singh ko kaun bula raha hai re?" Paki gets up, "Mein" BANG! *** Three women - a Hindu from India, a Pakistani and an Afghani (obviously Muslims)- all gave birth to seven-pound baby boys at the same time. The nurses got the babies mixed up somehow and couldn't tell which baby belonged to which mother. After an hour of mass confusion the father of the Hindu baby decided he'd settle the problem. He walked into the nursery and lined up the three infants in a row, and raised the war cry "Har har Mahadev." The Hindu baby snapped to attention, the Pakistani baby @#%$ , and the Afghani baby played in it. *** A white man walks into a pub in Oldham, totally shattered, screaming "All Muslims are sh*theads". A man sitting in the corner shouts, "I take serious offense to that ! It's a bl**dy lie !" The white guy asks, "Why? Are you a Muslim?" He replies proudly, "No. I'm a sh*thead." Q : How do you save a drowning Pakistani? A : Take your foot off his head! Pakistan just got their new Chineses fighter planes and sent a squadron of pilots there for training. "Ok, this one is easy to fly", said the Chinese trainer, "Even you fools should be able to operate it! You press this button to go up, this one to go left and this one for turning right!" "But how do we come down?" asked Capt. Arfath Pasha. "Oh," said the Chinese "leave that to the Indian Air Force!" This Sardar taxi driver in New York would amuse himself by running over Pakistanis he saw walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a Pakistani walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back onto the road. (At this point some of you are probably wondering how the Sardar could distinguish the Pakistanis from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left...) One day, as the taxi driver was driving along he saw a priest looking for a ride. He pulled the taxi over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll get you there. Get in." The happy priest climbed in and the taxi driver continued down the road. Suddenly the Sardar saw a Pakistani walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the car with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the Paki. However even though he was certain he missed the Paki, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that Pakistani" "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!" A brain tumor patient with end-stage disease was informed that he needed an immediate brain transplant operation. The surgeon told him, "You can have an Indian brain for $10,000 dollars or an American's for $25,000 dollars or I can give you 10 gms. of a Paki's brain for $100,000 dollars." The patient asked,"Why is the Paki's brain so much more expensive than the others?" "Well," replied the surgeon, "We have to go through a lot of Pakistanis to find 10 gms of brain." What do Pakistanis in London use for contracepives? Their personalities! A big Sardar walked into a bar with his pet tiger on a leash and asked the bartender, "Do you serve Pakistanis here?". "Sure we do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the Sardar. "Give me a beer, and one Pakistani for my tiger." A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a Pakistani and an intelligent man." Ashraf, the Pakistani went to London's Heathrow airport to buy his ticket back home to Rawalpindi. At the counter he found that he was 10 pence short of the fare. Having no other way out, he turned to all the other passengers and begged.." Will someone please give me 10 pence? I badly want to go back and meet my Abba and Ammi again!" "Here" said a Sardar, reaching into his wallet and handing him one Pound"..Keep the change and take nine of your country men with you!" For three years, the young Pakistani had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried."I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "When my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a Pakistani." At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from rats to Pakistanis for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found that Pakistanis are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to exterpolate our test results to human beings." A Russian, a Cuban, an Britisher and a Pakistani are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have most of the cigars of the world: Havana, nowhere in the world there is so many cigars and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed. At this time, the Britisher just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Pakistani through it... Pakistani military researchers have recently ordered for the enlargement of the hatches on tanks and other armoured vehicles. This is so they can be more easily abandoned in enemy territory. Have you ever seen Pakistani war heroes ? Neither has Pakistan. Did you hear about the Fighter jet which crashed into a cemetery in Karachi ? The Pakistani officials have so far recovered 3000 bodies. The body of the pilot is yet to be found. Did you hear about the shutdown of the Karachi National Library ? Somebody stole the book. A Paki news editor got 20 years in prison for calling the Prime Minister a fool. 5 years for the scandal and 15 for revealing a state secret ! An insect falls into a mug of beer.... Englishman : Throws his mug away and w alks out American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away Indian : Sells the beer to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets a new mug of beer.. Pakistani : Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his beer. Relates the issue to Kashmir. Asks the Chinese for Military aid. Takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer. How do you stop a Pakistani tank ? Shoot the men who are pushing it. How do you disable a Pakistani tank ? Hide the wind-up key. How do you disable Pakistani missiles ? Cut the rubber band A Pakistani US citizen goes to the doctor because he just simply doesn't feel good. He's tired, his stomach is upset, & he has a headache. Just feels terrible. The doctor checks him over and can't find any medical reason for him to feel the way he does. He offers a Naturotherepy approach that he has seen work before. The Pakistani man is stunned, though, that the treatment means he has to go home, ++++ and piss into a bucket and leave it in his basement for a week. Trust me," the doctor says, "I have seen this work." The man goes home and follows through on the instructions. Within a day, though his house smells terrible and by the end of the week, it is an overwhelming stench. His eyes water every time he walks in the door, but he feels no better. He calls to yell at the doctor who calmly says," Go down and take three big deep breaths directly from the bucket and you will be cured." "You're crazy!" comes the reply. "Trust me." says the doctor. Down he goes into the basement and he takes the first breath. Gagging and choking, he does it again. Then, on the third breath, he feels the headache leave. His stomach settles and he feels amazingly well. The stench is even tolerable. He calls the doctor to tell him the good news. "I told you I've seen this work with people from Pakistan before," says the doctor. "YOU WERE JUST HOMESICK"!!! Vajpayee and Musharraf meet up in Islamabad for talks on nuclear arms. When Vajpayee sits down he notices Musharraf 's chair has three buttons on the armrest. They begin talking but after 5 minutes Musharraf presses a button and a boxing gloves pops out of Vajpayee chair and bashes him on his face. Vajpayee, barely believing it, carries on talking but after another few minutes Musharraf presses a second button and out comes a large boot and kicks him in the butt. Vajpayee is kicked off but still remains ++++++dly calm. They resume the talk, but after 5 minutes Musharraf presses the final button, and from under the table another boxing glove hits Vajpayee. The Indian PM is really fed up by it now and stands up to leave. "We'll continue this talk Next week in the New Delhi" says the Prime Minister. Musharraf, choking from laughing, is too proud to say no. So the appointment stands. A week later Vajpayee receives Musharraf in the Prime Minister's Office. As Musharraf sits down, he sees three buttons in the arm-rest of Vajpayees chair. As the 20 min meeting goes on, Musharraf sees Vajpayee press the first button, and ducks really fast, but nothing seems to happen. This doesn't stop Vajpayee from laughing...really loudly. After this, Indian PM continues where he left off, until he presses another button. Musharraf reacts really quickly, and jumps up. Absolutely nothing happens, and this time Vajpayee falls out of his chair laughing. Musharraf doesn 't get it - what the hell is happening here? But he hasn't been harmed yet, so he sits down again to talk further. After A few minutes Indian PM presses the final button. This time, Musharraf stays sitting, but Vajpayee isn't, he's rolling on the floor, doubled up from laughing. Musharraf is really annoyed by now, so he stands up from his chair and shouts: "I've had enough of this, I'm going back to Pakistan " Vajpayee: (Through tears of laughter from the floor) - " PAKISTAN?? WHAT PAKISTAN??? DO YOU THINK IT'S STILL THERE?? 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