Subject: FW: A bold senior citizen
A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought
it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.
Dear Sir,
j
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to
pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have
elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the
funds needed to honour it.. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for
only thirty eight years.You are to be commended for seizing that brief window
of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in
which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters,
when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
>From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person..
>My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
>automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and
>confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware
>that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such
>an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen
employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I
know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial
situation (income, debts, assets & liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number
which he/she must quote in dealings with
me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account
balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as
follows :
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is
required. (The password will be communicated to you at a later date to the
Authorized Contact.)
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play
for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I
must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new
arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client,
[Remember : This was written by a 98 year old
woman)
DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!
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